I’ve been on this forum for a few weeks now, and I see all these “My Story” posts and I realize I never really introduced myself or my story just jumped in and asked for advice. So I thought I’d give my story. I should say at the outset that I have always been different. I had (and still have) trouble learning especially mathematics (I have Dyscalculia a math related learning disability) and when I was 14 I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Spectrum Disorder (ASD). So social interaction is very, very hard for me. I knew I was gay since age 12. I never related to boys or did boy things growing up and any friends I did have were girls who were friends with my sister. So being gay was natural to me, at that age I didn’t really struggle with it I just accepted it as fact. When I was 14 I went to a catholic school and had one of the most traumatic experiences of life which lead to me being closeted and hating myself for 20 years. One day in class I wrote “I am Gay” on my notebook which my teacher saw and subsequently took the notebook to the assistant principal who called my parents and basically outted me. Their excuse was that I might have been abused and was “Crying out for help” My parent’s reaction was not great. They were visually upset told me I hurt them, I can’t do this, I’m destroying my life. Also if I have these feelings its best not to act on them. I told them “it was just a joke, I’m not gay” (which was cover for a lot of suspect behavior in next few years). What was worse the next day the teacher told the class “There is a student here who is gay and if they need help in dealing with and repelling this sinful behavior I am here to talk” It was a special education class of only 12 students all male so it wasn’t hard to figure out who she was talking about, especially since I was slightly effeminate then. After that the bulling started and I constantly heard the “f-word”, and had viscous rumors started about me. Never had any physical bullying but I was chased home a few times by some boys on bikes (I used to walk home) who threatened they were going to hurt me. By 16 I did not want to be gay and spent most of the rest of my high school years desperately trying not to be. I constantly tried to watch straight porn and do "guy things" in the hopes it would change my desires. I tried to ask out a few girls to hopefully “change” me but was rejected (probably since I was 17 and asking them out by note). When I was 18, I just gave up on having any type of life and focused on school. I told myself I’ll be alone forever or until I “changed”. I then quit caring about how I looked (and gained a bunch of weight) and totally isolated myself. I got a college degree, plus a graduate certificate and have some graduate work. I have a good job and make a decent living (decent not great) but I’m totally unhappy. I now realize I am about to turn 35 and I wasted most of my life due to hating myself, and that I am hopeless lonely (even though I keep telling myself I’m not). So I started seeing a therapist, to hopefully work through this and be happy. I'm starting to make other positive changes like loosing weight (I've lost 26 pounds in 4 months), starting a regular exercise regimen, eating healthier etc. I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone I am totally clueless on how to go about it. I tried using apps but I either come on too strong or misinterpret things. It’s been painful. Like I said in earlier posts I had an OK date with a guy an app, but I was hoping for a lot more than just OK. I guess that’s it (or at least all I care to write at this point).
Thanks for sharing your story! This site has been great to learn about other people's lives and realize although we were alone in the past, we are not alone now. And today we can make a difference in each other's lives. I'm so proud of you for bravely sharing with us!
We have all been on our own journeys and while each one has their own attributes, there are always similar threads that weave through them all. Thanks for sharing your story, it's great to hear how your working through it all and doing something proactively to find fulfilment. Good job on the weight loss as well. Like you, my original discontentment lead me to massive weight gain. As I came to terms with myself, I managed to lose about 50 pounds. You will feel so much healthier with the weight you lost - sleep better, have more energy, etc.
Thank you for sharing parts of your life with us. I'm so upset that person acted in such a way to devastate you in front of your peers. I'm very proud of you, you have accomplished overcoming your obstacles and have accomplished much! Are there any any LGBT groups etc. locally where you could meet others in a comfortable way for you? Take care and I look forward to hearing from you again.
Congrats on the weight loss! You are in your journey to self acceptance but it is a journey. And it takes time. I know as I went through the same thing at roughly the same age. As for dating, it truly is a numbers game- you have to keep trying. You will meet people you want to date, people you want to be friends with and people you never want to see again. I would steer away from apps - which have the hook up stigma and maybe try true dating siyes. Good luck.
Dear Geoworld, Thank you for sharing your story. Regardless of how it may feel, you are in a good place. You are acknowledging and beginning to accept an important part of who you are. Like you, I was bullied as a child and as a teen, for the perception that I was gay. I was terrified of the thought that I might be gay. I wanted a normal life. I was told it was a choice, and I believed it. Ultimately I married, even have a son, and did everything in my power to 'be' straight. But it did not change who I am inside, and now much later in life, I am beginning to face it. As painful as the process is, I am feeling more alive than I ever have. One of the things that helped me to face myself, and get the help I needed is my son. He is also on the Spectrum, and over the years, as he has received help to be able to function and thrive in the world, I have been utterly amazed. He has overcome so many obstacles to do what others take for granted. He has shown such courage and perseverance, and is growing daily. The beauty of this process is not that he is becoming like everyone else, he is becoming fully himself, with all of his gifts, and he is being equipped to be himself and find his place in the world.Seeing him get the help he needed has given me the courage to face myself and get help, and to step out into the world. If he can be fully himself, I wish to be myself. Geo, you have already faced so many obstacles in your life, and have found a level of success, and a sense of your place in the world. You have the courage within you. It shows. The process of coming out is the same. It is accepting that this part of who you are is also a gift. I hope that as you take these steps, you will find many people who can help you and encourage you to be yourself fully, and to know that you are good, and that it is good. Earnest
geoworld24... Oh man, I think we have some similarities. I had Catholic schooling. I have Tourette Syndrome which wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30's so I didn't understand why people hated me, walked around me, why mothers would grab their children and pull them behind themselves to save them from whatever I was doing as my tics did their thing without my knowledge. Many people throughout my teens called me out as gay and yes, it's bloody hard in the Catholic system. Bloody hard indeed. Welcome to EC, mate. You're with good people here.
Thank you all for the responses, It does mean a lot to me, I probably would have started on this path much sooner if I had realized what a warm, welcoming and supportive community there is out there. I have made a decision to come out to my parents on my birthday in about a month and half and just deal with any consequences. I am pretty certain they already know but I just want it out in the open. So far I have only came out to my therapist and a friend at work, and their responses were mostly positive. I have had a few ups and downs since I started this journey but I now am starting to become at peace with everything in my life. I know this is going to be hard (and painful at times) and there is sooo much to learn about sex, sexuality and dating/relationships but I finally want to learn it and live it.
Thank you so much. Its nice to hear about a father loving his son and accepting his disabilities when I was younger my father wasn't as accepting of it and thought I had a character flaw or was just immature. Later in life he accepted it and tried to repair the relationship, but he was never there for me as a father when I really needed him.
