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For my trigger crush friends

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DancingGirl, Oct 17, 2014.

  1. DancingGirl

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    I just wanted to check in on everyone who has posted to the "this has never happened before" thread.
    Counseling is going great. I am doing weekly seesions and figuring some stuff out. I have been able to put quite a distance between my trigger crush and myself. I am currently working on my feelings of my husband and if I ever really was in love with him and what my trigger crush meant towards all that. I am working towards just being a healthier person both mentally and phsycally. It feels good.
    So ladies I want to hear how all of you are doing. Thought it would be good to start a new thread. Hope all is well with you.(*hug*)
     
  2. BiPenguin

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    I'm not a lady but hi. :slight_smile:
     
  3. DancingGirl

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    Hi. Thats ok. So since you replied and I have been curious but haven't done any research. Can I ask what pansexual means?
     
  4. Tallu

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    I'm blue, blue, blue!

    Glad you are on the mend! You sound so positive! Yay!
     
  5. DancingGirl

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    Thx Tallu. Why so glum chum? Can't have ya being blue. What can I do to help?
     
  6. Tallu

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    Oh, last Saturday I cut all contact with my crush. It was all online, only talked to her twice on phone, texted twice. Our relationships was largely about writing but we shared a lot of personal info and I got very attached. So I decided if she couldn't do even the basic friendship things like calling, texting, meeting a couple times a year, then I should not be expected to spend hours editing her work and coddling her emotionally. She is bisexual so it isn't like she was put off by my crush. She is just odd and stand-offish for some reason and I'd had enough. It's sad, though. We are still logging on to the creative writng site every day and can tell if the other has been online. It's not spying. I think we both just want to know the other is still alive and well and the stupid internet is the only way to do that. I know eventually I'll stop this nonsense and stop checking the damn site. I'm too old to act this silly over someone, lol.

    I'm also just exhausted from work. I need a good ol' cry but there is just no time to have a nervous breakdown, lol.
     
  7. Tallu

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    (I know you already knew most of that, but just put it out there in Reader's Digest form for those that don't, lol.) Let's chat soon!
     
  8. jay777

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    This is from urbandictionary:
    They're attracted to ALL genders. This means the pansexual person is attracted to, or can be attracted to, males, females, intersexes, androgynes, agenders, genderqueers, bigenders and many more. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 jay777, Oct 17, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2014
  9. FortunateSally

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    So glad therapy is going well for you. I feel like that should be my next step. Just hard to find childcare for just a random hour a week. I'm doing ok. I was feeling pretty good for a while therr with going back to school and such but I went to a lesbian karaoke night in Manhattan (I live in brooklyn.) it went ok but I felt painfully awkward and found myself overindulging to get over my nerves. I barely drink at all normally so that was unusual for me. I met some nice people but I felt like such a doofus. I was talking to this woman who was a little younger and a lot thinner than me. I wasn't actually even really interested in her but we were having a great time being some of the bolder singers in the bar and about an hour in to it sort of politely but clearly let me know she wasn't interested in me and then went off to dance with some other lady. It was so painful. I know I shouldn't care since I wasn't even really looking at her that way but I guess I have all this internalized self hatred and I'm always worried that I'll come off like I'm being agressive. I realize this is is ridiculous since if anything I'm sort of shy and self conscious but there's this voice inside me that thinks flirting with women will creep them out and I guess it just triggered that for me. I think I need to just wait all this out until I'm publically out and have divorced my husband. I think I just socially deal with one on one encounters like online dating a lot better than these group things. I never liked those much when I was dating in the straight world either. It just stresses me out and then I drink too much. I do have to say I liked being amongst women and having everyone just assume I was gay. I liked being able to dance in the club later on and such. I guess I should've known this first time getting my feet wet would be awakward, I just wasn't ready for it. I started a diet and exercise program a few weeks ago. It's coming off slow but I guess that's the best way to do it. I feel very self conscious in New York. I gained a lot of weight after I had my kid and never took it off. I think my body anxiety adds to everything else. I've never dated or socialized in a singles situation as a a plus size woman either.

    Gah. At least I'm doing well in school so far, so there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
     
    #9 FortunateSally, Oct 17, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2014
  10. waterfall

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    DancingGirl- so good to hear you are doing so well. I know it is hard to break ties and put some distance between you and "trigger" but I truly believe it's the only way to becoming a healthier you. I am still struggling, have good days and bad but I came out to two of my co-workers that are gay and it has really helped me! To have someone to talk to, that actually understands is "priceless". Not ready to even think about the future yet…a lot of healing to do and self esteem building, so that I don't make the same mistakes again. Meanwhile my sweet husband just keeps on keepin' on. No pressure, supportive. I do feel he deserves so much more than I can give. I wish I had a crystal ball!

    Sally- You go girl! I would have never had the guts to try a lesbian bar! I'll bet even though it wasn't dream night, you gained a ton of experience. We aren't born with what we need to navigate these major life altering changes in our lives, we have to learn them all over again. Think 8th grade dance…that's about where I feel I'm at right now :icon_wink
     
  11. CyclingFan

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    I had a recent experience where I got a but way past drunk but it freed me up a little bit to dance and be free. Went out a few days later and tried to focus on feeling that free and I didn't have anywhere near as much to drink to get there. Almost like a muscle that I've worked out just a little but it's easier to find now.

    Going out again in a few hours. Let's see how much I can retain now.
     
  12. Really

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    FortunateSally. You spent a fun hour with a stranger and feel a bit deflated?!? No way! That's a win. You're obviously attractive/interesting/fun enough for her not to have buggered off sooner than that. You had a few laughs, met a friendly girl and survived a night amongst your new peeps. What more could you ask for? Maybe next time you'll meet 2 girls!

    Congrats on starting the exercise/diet plan. I've also been working on that stuff and I feel marvellous! I'm jogging and I swear that "runner's high" is a real thing. I have it even when I'm not running! (Actually, mostly when I'm not running. Hmmm.) Don't do any crazy diets. Just do the ol' boring eat more fruit and veg and less other stuff. Works for me, anyway. Good luck.
     
  13. HTBO

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    FortunateSally, I have to agree with the others. Good for you for taking that step. I'm sure you won't forget it. I'm also dieting and exercising. For the first time in I don't know how long I want to look my best. And slow is the way to go, if you do something to lose quickly it will only come back and be worse than before. Try not to let your extra weight discourage you now. If you focus on it, so will others. Be confident and other people will feel that and your weight won't matter.
    My update: things are progressing slowly, but still progressing. My birthday was on Oct. 10 and my friend knew what day it was, but she thought it was the 9th. When she realized it, she already had the kids for the night, but wanted to take me out. So she took me out for dinner with her kids. I couldn't ask for a better birthday, I was able to meet her children who are adorable and spend time with her. After dinner she held my coat for me to put on. It felt strange to have a woman do this. I used to hate when my ex or any man did something like that, I would think I'm capable of dressing myself. Yet, when she did it, it felt so right :slight_smile: She is also beginning to make future references referring to 'us' more often. So, I will continue to be patient because I do see progress, we are getting closer and I enjoy talking to her. She really does bring out the best in me. Hope everyone else is doing well :slight_smile:
     
  14. CyclingFan

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    Yes! I think a lot of us here can be very self critical. Sounds like you had a good night and pushed your boundaries a little? That's awesome. :slight_smile:

    Oh and runners high is totally a thing. It usually kicks in around the 6th mile for me. :slight_smile:
     
  15. jay777

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    I second that. A healthy variety of more vegetables and fruits, and cutting out high sugar drinks. Helped me have a steady weight for years.
     
  16. FortunateSally

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    Well I'm already a vegan (and not the french fry and cereal kind) so I think it would be hard to eat more fruit veggies than I already was eating. lol Thanks for the support though, evwryone.
     
  17. Snever2late

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    Great Idea, Dancing Girl. You sound really positive, and I'm glad therapy is helping you.

    FortunateSally, I think it's great you went to the bar, and I think if you keep going you will feel more and more comfortable. It sounds like you really have a lot on your plate, a lot of which I can relate with (child, divorcing husband, weight gain....) Be merciful with yourself, and keep moving forward. Reach out if you need to talk!

    HTBO, I'm so happy for you! It seems like your patience and persistence is paying off! Keep with it, and I'm so glad you are both able to make each other happy and enjoy one another. I hope someday I'll be able to be in that place as well!

    My Update: I finally had the opportunity to talk to my husband while he was more sober than not, and got it through his head that 1. Yes, I want him to move out and 2. No one is moving in and 3. He can't talk me out of it.

    At the same time, I've realized my trigger cannot be the person I need her to be for me right now. It doesn't mean I love her any less, it just means that for now we are at different places and trying to keep our relationship afloat in the midst of all this other stuff is too draining. I told her that she can't support me the way I need her to, and she decided to stop talking to me. Which sucks. We've spent the last 6 moths texting 24/7 and it's hard to go cold turkey. But I've realized it's for the best. Though I'm curious what will happen when we have to work together the next 2 days... I still believe we are meant for one another and we both still love one another. But it's not okay for me to obsess about it as much as I am, and it's not okay for her to play both sides. I don't want to play games anymore, I want a real relationship with her. She's going to have to either choose to be with me or to give up being in constant contact. Either way, she can't have her cake and eat it too...

    I'm meeting with daycare Monday and setting things up so I don't have to rely on my husband for ANYTHING, just in case he flakes out. He's already drinking enough that I don't really want him to be alone in charge of our son. I'm worried that will escalate.

    I've decided to take some time to get to know myself and make some new friends. My relationship has isolated me from a lot of my old friends, and I feel like they just wouldn't get me. I am dating myself, lol, going out alone to do things that I want to do. I'm also going to my first LGBT support group next weekend. And my son said "Momma love" for the first time today, which is the coolest thing ever. All-in-all things are crappy, relationship wise, but I'm feeling strong enough to be alone and do it just my son and I!
     
    #17 Snever2late, Oct 18, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2014
  18. stella99

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    Hi dancing girl. Glad you are moving forward. Keep up the good work.

    I'm starting to see sense instead of what I want to see. So thats an improvement. Still have good days and bad days but I'm getting stronger all the time.

    Snever2late - sounds like you have an awful lot going on at the moment. Thinking of you (*hug*). Im coming to terms with letting my crush go without the added complication of a young family to take care of, and that's hard enough.