I've been on the forums for almost two weeks now, and I'm really encouraged to see how everyone is side by side with each other. That's a plus in my book! Now for something that's really bugging me.. I grew up with abuse, perpetrated by different people, so much so that I've blocked out a lot of my young life so I could just keep going. I had an attraction to my best friend when I was 13, and a crush on an older woman when I was 14. At 16, I came out to mother dearest, who promptly told me that it was a 'phase' and that everyone goes through it. When this 'phase' didn't go away, even after a pregnancy, a marriage and divorce from an abusive man...I followed my heart and have been following it ever since, even after so much heartache which I can't even begin to cover here. Since coming out, I've begun to deal with the injustices that were brought upon me, through counseling and therapy. I've been on disability due to the remnants of these issues, both physical and mental, for the past few years, now. Currently, I'm staying with mother dearest temporarily, mainly because I have limited options right now. While I appreciate that I have somewhere to stay, this also means that I have to tolerate her opinions of things, however misguided, which is to say, we butt heads from time to time, because in 'her' world, things are a certain way, and THAT'S how things are. Plus, she's religious, so everything in her head is backwards, because whatever she thinks she learned comes out of her mouth when it shouldn't. Recently, we had one of these head butt sessions, and during the 'cooling off' part, she just HAD to follow me when I walked away. Somehow, my past got brought up, and she told me that she understood why I was 'this way', as she put it. In her eyes, it was because of all those things that happened to me..somehow, that turned me against men, and THAT'S why...I'm a lesbian. She's praying that one day, I'll be healed. I felt sick to my stomach after that. I've been trying NOT TO ASSOCIATE myself with these nightmarish events anymore...and basically, mother dearest just told me that...THE PERSON I AM RIGHT NOW..was created from those..things. I already have trouble dealing with myself as a person, and she HAD to say that. I guess in order for HER to deal with my 'choices' as she always calls things..she felt she had to put the story together like that??? I'm a lesbian because of these ugly, disgusting things that happened to me? That kind of thinking makes me doubt myself, puts me in a state of self-loathing. I KNOW the truth, don't get me wrong, but I'm still working through a lot of stuff...it just messes with my head, is all. Glad to have a place to sort this all out...
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of this. How awful. Have a big one of these... (*hug*) The science behind gender and sexuality is still developing, but it is suggesting that both gender and sexual orientation are determined in the womb. Environment has nothing to do with it. Sexual fetishes like bondage can result from sexual abuse suffered in childhood, but who you are biologically attracted to is wired in and unchangeable. Also, you're post made me think of these memes. I'm so glad that you are choosing the difficult path (but righteous path!) of truth! You're doing your part to make the world a better place. All of those nightmarish things that happened to you, they don't define you at all, but they do implicate your mother in her role as your protector.
I'm sorry that you're going through this tough situation. You are not alone in asking this question as it is often claimed as a reason for people being gay. There are many people that were abused and it didn't change their sexual orientation. It may seem like an explanation (I believed that for a while myself) but it actually doesn't hold up. Straight women who have been abused do not become gay afterwards. There have been threads about this question earlier, like these two, with many answers and explanations: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/134397-what-your-thoughts-these-reasons-someone-lgbtq.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...n/147055-i-feel-like-its-my-fault-im-gay.html They explain why the logic behind that idea doesn't hold up at all.
I've had to go through these same questions too. Cause the last thing that I wanted was to express something that was put into me from abuse. It doesn't work that way. It does stir it all up though cause it gets associated in ones head.
Thank you Holly82 for your much needed clarification and support! Indeed, you're right about my mother's protective instincts. To this day...'she didn't know' what was happening to me. Nice to be able to live guilt free, huh? (*hug*) Kate, tysm for the links to the other threads! It helps to know that other people feel this same way, and that there's such a great support system to fall back on here. CyclingFan, yes, it's had my brain in a blender for a bit, that's for sure! I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in dealing with these things.
That's utterly disgraceful. If she says something similar again, tell her, "You're wrong. Don't say that again. It's extremely hurtful and I don't accept it." I know it's hard to stand up for ourselves, especially when we're in shock about what has just been said. I managed to "match" the indignanty (for want if a better word and minus the emotion) of someone once and they backed right down. I hate conflict but I keep this experience in the back of my mind to remind myself that I can stand up for myself and not lose anything. Here's a video that might help. It's about standing up to parents when coming out. Not exactly the same but might have some good points for you. Coming Out To Your Parents | Dan Savage: American Savage | TakePart TV - YouTube
Wow! that whole issue of failure to protect... Spent the weekend with my sister just now and she had no idea how badly abused I was by our stepfather... It awoke a lot of the feelings of betrayal on the part of our mother who should've protected me and didn't do that nearly enough. The only thing that can be done now, is to acknowledge that it existed, to come to terms with the fact that she didn't do what she was supposed to do, and ultimately to forgive. The forgiveness isn't for the one who wronged you, it's for you so that you can live in peace at last.
You're very welcome, sweetheart. One of the things that is really repulsive about someone who does not take responsibility for their past evils is that they try and take responsibility for others' merits and successes. My father was very emotionally abusive and a drunk. He never took responsibility for that, but then tried to say that I turned out well because of him. Only when I finally started assigning him the appropriate amount of responsibility for evils that I experienced was I able to begin to move past them. This is not a popular perspective, but it has helped me immensely. I do not believe in forced forgiveness or forgiveness in order to move on. I believe in anger and in confronting those that have wronged you. When you are completely upfront and honest about what someone has done to you they will show you exactly who they really are inside. This makes it much easier to determine whether they should remain in your life and to what extent. It's scary as hell, but it has drastically increased my level of happiness in just a short time. Anger is the white blood cells of the brain/heart. It rids us of the disease of abuse.
The argument that people try to make of some correlation between abuse and orientation is one of the things that makes me the most angry in the world. Simple logic shows that plenty of abuse victims are straight. Most victims have asked themselves the question (repeatedly) in an attempt to understand while eventually just learning to accept/embrace who they are. People often want to understand or want a reason for why people are who they are unfortunately these questions are shrouded in ignorance. There is far to much shame associated with being an abusive victim-shame that we need not carry. There is also far to much shame hoisted upon people for their orientation-again shame that needn't be carried. Comments like that only lead to hoist more shame upon ones shoulders-dont carry it. We can't change others ignorance but we can refuse to allow it to weigh us down.
You're right, I was sitting there in shock, listening, and really in disbelief. I usually have GREAT comebacks, but in that instance..not so much. THAT video..definitely a great help, thank you! ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2014 at 05:07 PM ---------- Forgiving for my own benefit...that makes sense. I suppose it's not really a FEELING, it's more like an ACTION. Realizing that those who have done harm to me aren't hurt by me not forgiving them, it only hurts ME. I definitely have to keep remembering that, because I want to be able to get past this. Thank you! (*hug*) ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2014 at 05:10 PM ---------- Anger is the white blood cells of the brain/heart. It rids us of the disease of abuse. You're so right, Holly! ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2014 at 05:23 PM ---------- I'm starting to understand that mother dearest NEEDS to see things the way she does in order to make sense of the things in HER life. That doesn't make her view of things TRUE. I have to try to remember that while I try to slosh through the things I'M dealing with.
Sure thing. My therapist has been very adamant about this with me when it's come up, and I've asked very directly. I believe her. Also, now that ivd experienced a few things, it's clear to me that this isn't somethinh that came from there. Rather, it's just unfortunately colored how I feel about my sexuality etc. The abuse made it harder to understand myself, to be comfortable expressing myself, but it's not what made me "me".
You're welcome! It does help a lot to find others with similar questions and also people with answers. I've had these kind of reasons for people being gay instilled in me since childhood and it's good to find antidotes against it! I love what you say all new to me: all this shame that isn't ours to carry and yet it gets thrown unto us...
