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Father hunger?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Oct 21, 2014.

  1. nerdbrain

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    So I came across this article by Joe Kort recently:

    'Father Hunger' Doesn't Mean You're Gay | Joe Kort, Ph.D.

    He happens to be gay and the author of a book that is widely recommended here on EC: 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love: Joe Kort: 9781936833313: Amazon.com: Books

    I was struck by how much I identify with his composite case study of Paul, right down to the kinds of fantasies he's having (although I've never been able to act on them).

    I guess it would be easier to dismiss this if Kort wasn't such an obviously gay-positive therapist, and if this was a single, isolated case rather than a composite of hundreds of people he has treated.

    I'd be curious if anyone here has any thoughts on this...
     
  2. greatwhale

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    From my reading of it, there are very clear and specific criteria that allow him to work with the client in order to determine sexual orientation.

    Do your fantasies include sexual and emotional attraction to women?

    I believe this part of Kort's work is more controversial, but I am not as familiar with it as others may be.
     
  3. nerdbrain

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    Honestly I don't even know what my fantasies are anymore, it's such a jumble in there.

    I do know that for most of my life I've been consistently attracted to women. Just that there is this other part that seems very split off/dissociated, where I crave sexual intimacy with a man. It feels like two separate parts, in some ways complementary.

    As in the article, I've considered whether I may have been abused but the answer is no. Just two sides of me that are working at cross-purposes, and it hurts to try to kill either one.
     
  4. Perplexed1979

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    I thought this was really interesting "I train therapists who work with the population of men who have sex with men to follow their clients' leads. The work is as much about education as it is about psychotherapy."

    Nerdbrain, would you not consider showing these articles to your wife. It may help both of you and perhaps save your marriage.

    My therapist is currently working with me around some of these issues that are mentioned in this article. She has strongly suggested that I focus on these issues before i move onto thinking about exploration with a man.

    For me this is what i'm trying to work towards. "it's about helping them discover their orientation and their sexual preferences, feel positive about that discovery, and experience their sexuality without shame."
     
  5. nerdbrain

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    Yes, I've thought about showing her some of this stuff. But it feels really weird to pull her into my own psychodrama. And I don't know how helpful it will be in answering the question, "So what about our marriage?"

    How long will it take to sort this shit out? And doesn't it seem likely that I'll still be gay or bi in the end? I really, really don't want to end the marriage. But I can't live with my wife with the constant pressure to resolve this definitively -- I'm close to my breaking point already.
     
  6. Perplexed1979

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    It could be seen as weird that you are keeping her out of your "psychodrama". She is your wife and you should be able to tell her. She needs to know what is going on, so she can decide what she wants to do.

    Sitting down and telling her what your going through may relieve some of the constant pressure. If your marriage does end at least you will have been open and honest, and that will be important for both of you.

    This is what is going on for you right now. This is who you are.
     
  7. skiff

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    Hi,

    I disagree. The wife needs to know when he is prepared to tell her. Why add gasoline to a fire.

    Take the example of Paul in the article. Would he still have his fiancee if he saw a therapist sooner and waited to disclose to her until he understood the issue? Maybe...

    Tom