Something's been on my mind, and it's not necessarily a BAD thing, it's just me over thinking I guess. I was thinking about when I first came out, and I was towards the end of the relationship with my first partner. We worked with this sweet woman, who we ended up being good friends with...well I, more than my partner, because this woman and I had more occasion to work together. Her fiance had cancer and had six months to a year to live, and so we talked a lot about her life with him, and I was there to listen when she needed a friend. She even had my partner and I over for dinner to meet him. I found myself looking forward to when she would come in to work. It made me feel good to be able to be a support to someone, especially when my partner was starting to act like she didn't need me anymore. Fast forward a bit, to the time when she was finally alone, with just her and her kids. She still came to work, but was busy adjusting to life without her fiance, which I understood, so I didn't bother her much. One day, I got a call from her, out of the blue. She talked of a plan she had, to pick me up one day, on the pretense of going shopping, and her and I would go to a nice hotel...wine...and spend time together. She mentioned how she had always felt comfortable with me...said she knew that she could please me, and wanted this time together. I was both flattered, and floored. I had an attraction to this woman, but I also knew what she had just gone through. She herself had said, 'don't read too much into it'. I knew I also needed to consider that while my relationship wasn't going well at all, I couldn't just violate that. Although I was burning to do what I had sometimes thought about with her, I had to put her off. After that time, she changed shifts to be more available for her kids, and I never heard from her again. Sometimes I think...'what if'. Oh MAN, do I ever. She was indeed a beautiful woman, inside and out, and I would have welcomed the opportunity to know her intimately. I wonder where she is today. It does me no good to return to these thoughts, but I do just the same. If only...
Hi, You are over thinking. Romaticizing what might have been. What about the dark side of that offer? Heartache, heartbreak, loneliness, regret, and depression when possibly a straight woman could not be gay in time... If we want to over think we must look at both sides of the coin. I have a straight best friend, perfect in every way, but he is straight. When I start going down "what if" lane I remind myself I could not force myself to be straight with a woman I loved, so how could a straight guy force himself gay. Then I remind myself that even if he became bi-curious would I risk losing a best friend... that is a tough nut to crack... heart says both yes/no. Tom
I am sorry you are feeling like this.. I know thinking of what could have been etc is not a good game to play. It is never a good idea because it does leave you emotionally drained and exhausted. I have been there before in a few different situations, one which involved a extremely drunk person running into the side of my car. He was fine apart from a few minor injuries, however even though the police didn't charge me and told me it wasn't my fault and not to think of of all the what ifs, I still did and I was not able to sleep for many many nights afterwards. I thought of all the worse case scenarios as well as the best case ones and it didn't go me any good.. What happened happened and thinking of the what ifs was impeding my recovery. I know that is a little different then this, but it is the same kind of thing.. Thinking of the what could have been or what might have happened is not healthy for you.. It is what it is.. And thinking of all the different situations which could have played out is only going to make you feel worse then you already do. I think it is a little over thinking and over romanticizing as well. You made a decision at the time that you felt was in yours and her best interest and I think deciding to just let that sit as what is, is the best thing for you..just concentrate on your current friendships and relationships with others if you are missing the emotional connection you think you could have had from that woman. Maybe allow yourself to think of the possibility of beginning to date or go to online dating sites to find someone or even go out there and go to LGBT events and you never know what might come your way. Focus on other things that fulfill you in a way that you don't feel yourself thinking about the what could have been situations. Just know you aren't alone and we are all here for you whenever you need support or advice. I hope you are able to sort through these emotions and feelings you are going through right now.
You're so right, Tom! Even if this event had occurred, it would mean that I sacrifice everything that once was for something that would never be. That would end up being a pretty sad scenario for sure. Thank you for helping to put this in perspective! ---------- Post added 22nd Oct 2014 at 07:06 PM ---------- Blossom85, you brought up a good point...all this is making me feel exhausted! I need to just remember that I did the right thing at the time, and it's best to let my thoughts turn to edifying myself and finding things to lift me when I get into these over thinking moods. Thanks for being here. (*hug*)
