Having a hard time...

I am so sorry to hear you are going through so much pain and struggling with it. I am single so even though, I don't know how you feel about all of this and I could never pretend to know how it feels, I can see how it's tearing you apart inside with all the emotions and feelings you are going through. It has to be hard to want one thing and yet feel you need to do something which is opposite of what you want.

I think you can try to shove the feelings for her aside and try to hide the fact you are interested in her all you like, but ultimately.. That is not going to make you feel better. It will get worse for you as it is a hard thing to shut out and just live life as she feel you should. Let me ask you.. Do you really want to live that way or is your mind and heart just telling you it is too hard and too scary to think outside the box of what most people consider 'normal' to be. Normal is really a relative word and in this day and age, it is becoming normal for same sex couples to be together. Yes it is still a lot harder and we still face a lot more challenges, but normal isn't really a word you can use for just a heterosexual couple anymore.

I know sometimes the opinions of family and friends and what they might think of you is really hard to even think about and it is the fear of everyone's reaction as to why a lot of LGBT people stay closeted.. So I can understand your concerns and your worries with that. I haven't come out to really anymore apart from a couple of close people to me. I am sure my family and friends will be fine with it, but it is still a scary thought.

Moving on to your husband.. I think you need to really look deep into your heart and you need to decide if you think he is a deserving man.. Does he deserve to be loved? Does he deserved to be respected and treated like he is someone's everything? If you say yes to those things, then think about if you can truly give him all he is deserving and all of what he needs and wants. Also you need to realize that you yourself are deserving of love and of being treated like someone's everything too. I am not saying any of this to pick or judge, but I just feel you need to really think if you and him can give each other all that you deserve, all that you both want and need out of a marriage and a partnership. If you don't believe you can, then I think perhaps it is time to think what that means for you both. Do you both struggle on, not getting your needs met? Or do you both decide to start over and find other people you can truly give all you can to. Hiding your emotions and feelings from him is not protecting him, he will feel something is different even if you say nothing is wrong and you will both begin to feel distant and pull away from each other.

I think reading your last part, your heart and mind have made their decision and I think you need to think about what that really means for you and your family. I am sorry again you are going through all of this and I hope my words haven't been felt too harshly, but if feel I owe it to you to be honest as you have taken the time to be honest in your post.

 

Terre, Blossom makes all very great points. May I ask where do you live? (country and general area). Reason why I am asking because you raised concerns about how others perceive you. At the end of the day, you need to do what works for you without regard for what others think. If, however, you live in an area where you are putting yourself at risk, then that is another matter entirely.

 

Hi,

Are you saying you are locked into a problem and will continue to pursue a solution that has failed multple times, while ignoring an alternative that may work?

Curious... does your best friend deserve to be loved deeply and passionately and honestly ? What about you, do you deserve that?

Have you talked to a therapist?

Tom

 

Quite the dilemma. I am in the same boat. I fell in love with a girl. Two years now. Her and I have since parted ways but I still love her and miss her dearly.
I have started counseling to help me through my feelings of all this. I of course do not want to hurt my husand. He does not derserve this. But I am still not sure what to do. So hence the counseling. I have only had four sessions but it has already helped tremendously.
Know that this is a safe place where many are feeling the same things.
I agree with alot of what others have said above. You have to look deeper than just what others will think. Think about what you are doing to him. Would you want to be married to a man who wasnt completely in love with you? Would the thought of him being scared to have sex with make you want to be there. This isnt just about you it is about him too.
We are here. I also posted to your wall. Keep in touch and keep talking it helps.
be well.

 

Oh this is hard. From an outsiders point of view, your husband is a friend and the girl is who you should be with. As difficult as this is it is what it is. What makes me sad is you have let the girl go. I myself fell in love with a woman and there is no way I can ever be with her as the feeling isn't mutual. If you have met someone who feels the same way and your marriage isn't right then it's such a shame. At the same time I admire you for trying to save your marriage and only you can make the decision. I just think life is too short to be forcing yourself to be with someone. You can't change your sexuality as we all know its not a choice. It's all very well me giving you my opinion but I'm not brave at all when it comes down to telling people about my sexuality so please don't think I'm judging you. I have recently separated from my husband and have 2 children, I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I'm terrified people will find out. However if the woman I love was to turn round and want to be with me, I think it would be worth losing people that if they had a bad reaction to it couldn't have been my friend in the first place. Good luck and keep posting. Counselling is very good to get your head together.

 

I don't know. It seems based on your post you could do either, but that ultimately the husband kids straight friends aren't where your heart is.

Lots of married/formerly married people here that know what it's like to live the life without the passion. It just seems like you have the advantage of being able to even put living your life out with a woman on the table. It wasn't for me, and here I am at 53 with a handful of failed relationships with years of battering myself for screwing them all up. Having to live in denial was the problem for me.

I truly hope you think long and hard over which would be most difficult : living as a straight woman when you may not be, or living with someone you feel passionate love for. I wish you all the best.

 

It broke my heart when I read your post! I am one of those married women that is married to my best friend. Believe me when I say that it doesn't ever get any easier. I have been married for 30+ years. I got married as a teenager and knew then that there was no passion in my heart. My both parents were alcoholics and he gave me a safe haven. A life that he spent loving me and never got the love he should have had in return. I never even knew what it felt like to feel passion…. until I fell in love with a woman.
Think about what Melanie said in the quote above. You can exist in the closet but you will never be truly happy and fulfilled. I truly wish you the best also!

 

*Hands you a box of Kleenex*

Aw hunny, come sit by me!

Your mileage will certainly vary because of the children, but I can tell you without doubt the best thing I ever did for my lovely ex husband was divorce him. That was 2001 and we remain very good friends. He even tells me about his silly dating escapades during his on again/off again relationship with a woman who DOES see him as desirable and rocks his world. I admit if they ever marry and he moves away (she is in Ol' Virginny and we are in Alabammy) I will be jealous to lose my friend. I still love him that much.

But jumpin' Jehoshaphat our sex life was terrible. I fell in love with his sweetness and devotion. I fell in love with the idea that he fell in love with me. But once the newness of having a companion wore off I realized the sex was just some long, drawn out ordeal where I stared at the ceiling while he huffed and puffed foreverrrrrr. Oh lord, how I hated sex with him. I didn't even like to kiss him because a tongue thrusting saliva bath is not my idea of a walk in the park. The irony was I full throttle loved (and still love) the guy. He is a tremendously good person, takes care of his elderly mama, is kind to animals, works hard, all that jazz. So setting him free to be completely valued on all levels (and trust me, sex is very important to most men) was the best thing I could do.

My heart hearts for you, especially that you could not have your sweetheart. I've never made love to a woman. The idea terrifies me. I might open some Pandora's Box and I honestly don't know how I could deal with that. But you know...we don't get any repeat rides. Even if you believe in reincarnation you might come back an asexual liverwort or something. That's my fear.

I'm thinking about you. I could read so much pain in your post. Please rely on the good folks here. They've helped me so much.

 

Oh terre, I feel your pain. I could write those things about my home life too. I dont want to hurt him, I feel so sorry for him, but ive fallen in love with a woman. I dont have a relationship with this woman but shes shown me the true me. Im now in the process of trying to decide the way forward. It may be a long process, but its not a race. Dont make any rash decisions. Thinking of you(*hug*)

 

I'm feeling for you... I can hear so much pain in your "voice," and I'm so sorry that you are going through so much turmoil. I hope that you will be able to find a solution that works for you and your husband as much as possible. That might mean staying married but finding passion in other relationships, getting divorced, staying married and unhappy (at least in sex), or another solution. You are in my thoughts...

 

I'm both grateful this discussion is here to join in, and saddened that some of us have such huge conflicts to deal with. I guess matters of the heart are like that...

Over the years, my path has let me see both sides of this kind of situation. First I was a (deeply-closeted) husband entering a marriage with a bisexual woman with the understanding that she could have a girlfriend if she needed/wanted to. Now I am entering another marriage to a wonderful man who has given me that same permission - to have a girlfriend to experience the limited intimacy I'm capable of having with women. Life sure gets complicated sometimes... and facing uncertain outcomes can be very scary.

I've been through difficult letting-go times before, with a special-needs child. If someone had told me at the time how well that child would do later in life, I would not have dared to believe them. But things did turn out well, as painful as it was to walk through at the time.

There may not be much comfort in hearing that, but at least this community reminds us that we don't have to go through these things alone...

 

I'm sorry you have to go through all this, especially after you're married to what seems like a wonderful man. What I suggest you do is introduce this girl to your family as a friend and soon enough she'll be part of the family. Later on, when everyones comfortable with having her around, talk to your husband. And really talk to him, tell him your feelings. If he has a good heart, he'll accept you for who you are. I hope this helps. And remember, this is EC. Helping people out with problems like this is what we'Re here for.
Your friend,
B

 

I am sorry to hear about Terre's dilemma, but happy to see there are so many bright people here that can shed lights on the different angles of the problem. So much sympathy and so much genuine kindness! EC is an amazing place. I truly appreciate your well-thought opinions guys. Some times I read them a few times and learn from them and enjoy

I feel proud to be a part of this, although I can see so many of us have to struggle hard, but we are all together making this clear to one another that there is a hope. And this hope is REAL.

Dear Terre, you will find your way out of this turmoil (I would say this "journey" or even "pilgrimage" instead), maybe slowly, but surely. And when you win your battle, you will be a much more integrated person.

 

You may find some comfort in checking this thread. It's really, really long (like more than a dozen pages), but a lot of us with similar stories have posted there.

 

Terre,
I divorced my husband after 15 years of marriage for the same reason. He is still one of my best friends and everything worked in the relationship, except for our sex life. I really had to come to terms with what I wanted for him. He does deserve someone who is really in love and totally turned on by him. I deserve the same.

The toughest part for me was my children. Coming from a broken home, I always wanted my children to grow up with two loving parents who stayed together and we had that, but it was a farce.

I became a way better mom once I got to live with integrity. When I was able to be honest with myself and others. I became a better best friend to my ex. There are challenges though too. My son who is 20, finally accepted my relationship with a woman after his adolescence. My daughter who is 15, still has trouble, accepts that I'm a lesbian, but doesn't want me to be in relationship.

In my experience, when you deny who you are, life has a way of reminding you. I knew I would keep being attracted to women and sometimes violate my marriage vow, which wasn't like me. I am a loyal and faithful person and cheating was not me. It was a wake up call to see who I really was. I am a loyal and faithful lesbian and cannot be both straight and faithful and loyal.

Still it is a hard decision to face. You have my best wishes. It is a journey, one step at a time.