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I can remember as a child...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by pitabread514, Oct 24, 2014.

  1. pitabread514

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    having crushes on girls. I remember looking at Playboys. I can remember my first sexual experience with a girl at 14- which was successful. I can also remember first looking at gay pornography at 14 or 15. I remember being turned off by a womans *private*, it never turned me on at that age. I remember first seeing that in an explicit form in Penthouse, a magazine I did not like. By 17, it was my 2nd experience w/ a girl. I do not remember being overly sexual attracted. I couldn't stay erect. I remember going to the strip joint in Quebec, which would be classified as a very good one by those attracted to girls and not sensing anything motivating, if it were not for the alcohol, I'd had gotten bored. I don't remember any connection sexually to touching the girls. I thought there was something wrong with me. after this, i had a few other girlfriends, though not long lasting relationships except the one I used levitra with, she still loves me, though she never realized i had to use levitra to have sex with her. i don't want to tell her.

    so for many years i thought i had ED, until I was 27 (Im 30 now) and I had my first real experience with a gay guy, at a Montreal massage parlor (at 18 I flirted with someone who hit on me at the gym, felt each other, but too nervous to go further...) I've since realized after being with a guy, I believe I am totally sexually gay. something in my head keeps telling me to try to get with girls, though I dont feel the same with them. i feel a sense of shame after being with a guy- even though i enjoy it immensely. i have a feeling of discomfort in being in public with another guy who is gay, i dont' know why, it feels repulsive. perhaps because its not accepted.

    well my major question here is: does anyone believe that at the early teenage years, one could experience what i did and a few years after that, become gay? i had a pretty tough childhood, watching divorces and physical abuses. unhappy relationships. does anyone think that could have altered me? i believe im gay but that lingering thought i had as a 13, 14 year old, over half my life ago, still makes me wonder if a life event turned me into a gay (most science claims homo is biological).

    any feedback would be appreciated.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I personally believe sexuality is quite dynamic and evolutionary, while certainly being biological. I am not sure there is a clear answer to your question. My experience was a bit similar to yours. When I was younger, I was involved with both guys and girls. I never did find much satisfaction being with a girl, but I always felt a heightened sense of energy when I was with guys. I thought I could swear off guys after a bad relationship while a teenager, but as I got much older, it became crystal clear that guys were all that I was interested in.
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    To answer your major question very simply.. no, those experiences had no bearing on your sexual orientation. All credible research has failed to prove any link between life experience and sexuality. Whatever happened in your early teens did not cause or turn you gay. There are things that happen during our lives that may help to confirm our sexuality, but there is a difference between confirm and cause.

    Overcoming feelings of shame is part of the process that so many gay people have to go through, so you are far from alone. I've been there and many others will tell you the same. It's not easy, but it can be done and we can support you as you negotiate that road, but please try to put aside any ideas that something has caused you to be attracted to other men.
     
    #3 PatrickUK, Oct 24, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2014
  4. bi2me

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    I think many people have experimental sexual experiences as teens. The question is: which ones resonated into your adult life? For some people one same sex experience doesn't ultimately mean anything. For another person, the opposite sex experiences don't mean they are straight.
     
  5. pitabread514

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    Hey guys, thanks for your replies and comparing your experience. I can remember having gay thoughts as early as 13 or 14, but I can also remember at that time being attracted to girls. But as an adult I don't remember feeling naturally attracted to girls though I still find them pretty. Those thoughts of "prettiness" don't resonate well for me in the bedroom. Sex becomes boring, I prefer to play solitaire on my computer. I feel empty.

    I never could resonate with other guys when they make comments about girls or talk about them, these thoughts were totally alien to me and I had to pretend to accept and discuss them.

    Being with a girl seems more like a chore then enjoyable. I enjoy her company but its not the same feeling with a man, I can say that after experiencing with men (gay massage, and a couple guys i met online, though I haven't had actual sex sex out of fears...) These experiences with guys are the ones I think about, the ones I envy and the ones I look forward to next.

    About the shame, I think youre totally right. I feel dirty, though not as much as I did my first encounter. In some ways, I feel like an outcast, but when we are together in our secluded apartment I feel like I'm in our own free world. Step outside, we have to evade who we are, hide any affection, pretend to be normal guy friends. Negative stereotypes and such, growing up around homophobia and homophobic remarks. Stigmas about sexual perversion.

    I read so much psychology, I read so many threads on here- which has helped greatly, still at times I tell myself I can be normal, but its these times I find myself slipping into unhappiness, falsehood and depression. Those other times I admit to myself that I am gay, will remain gay and should pursue that lifestyle as it can't be changed I find these times are the good moments of life.

    Thanks for your help again gentlemen, I will continue to try to overcome those fears, negative stigmas about homosexuality, shame, and such......
     
  6. quietman702

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    pitabread514 you are not alone, I had those similar feelings but did come to the point to realize that I'm ok and I have every reason to accept myself. I know it sounds trite but it does get better. Thank you so much for sharing with us!