I'm married to a man. I'm 22 and we've been married since we were 18. I didn't suddenly discover that I had romantic/sexual feelings for women. Even when I was just a kid I never really had an interest in boys. In middle school I knew I was at least bisexual. I still felt the same in high school, but when you're deep in the Bible Belt it's harder to come out or talk to someone. I really wanted to be with a woman, but I kept my feelings to myself. I told myself that it was just some stupid, confusing phase that resulted from childhood abuse. I tried my hardest to suppress any homosexual feelings I had. I married my best friend and genuinely thought that's what I wanted. For a while things were okay, but then those feelings for women would pop up out of nowhere. I'd fantasize about being intimate with another woman. I'd wonder what it'd be like if I wasn't married to a man, but instead a woman. Again, I'd suppress it and it'd go away for a bit, then it comes roaring back worse than before. Here I am at 22 and it's only getting worse. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but he's so worried about losing me that I don't think he realizes that I don't want to keep lying to him. It's not the least bit fair to him if I can't commit 100%. He suggested having an open marriage where I could see women, but I don't think that's going to work like he hopes it will. It's still not fair to him. I don't feel physically or sexually attracted to him or any male really. It was there for a time when it was easier to suppress the fantasies, but now all I can think about are women. I love him, but I'm not in love with him if that makes sense. I'm in therapy for anxiety and major depression. I even tried talking to my therapist about my feelings, but she never addresses them directly. Her idea is to sweep it under the rug and "fake it 'til I make it". I've been trying that and it doesn't work! I only recently talked to my mom about it and she's clueless as to what I can do or should do. I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to about this. I need help. There has to be someone out there who can offer help.
I agree that the open relationship is a bad idea in general, because even if it doesn't bother him It's not really going to 'save the relationship' if you really don't want to be with him in general. And you might find a girl to fall in love with and want to be with instead. Have you considered divorce or do you really want to stay with him? I'm sorry your therapist gave you such bad advice, because it really isn't going to help you.
Hey CatsnUnicycles, welcome to EC! Having been where you are now, I know your confusion quite thoroughly. All I can say at this point is that "faking it until you make it" has to be the worst advice I have heard of a "therapist" saying to anyone when it comes to desire and sexual orientation. Believe me, and believe those here whose marriages lasted much longer than yours; it doesn't go away, and the more you try to repress, the more it comes back with a vengeance. He obviously loves you very much, so much so that he would be willing to tolerate an open relationship, but you're right, it isn't fair to either of you. You are both quite young, it is not too late at all to start again, and to live an authentic life. This is not to say there won't be pain and loss, there will be a lot of that, but time has a way of healing, and you both have a lot of time left to find your true selves and an even truer love.
I think both of us are afraid of divorce with the way things are right now. We have a joint bank account, our vehicle has both of our names on it, he doesn't want me to end up with no insurance benefits, etc. I'm also trying to finish up school. We thought about separating and that might be more ideal for now.
CatsnUnicycles , Hello and Welcome! I have to say this to you I have to agree that letting it go on only makes it harder trust me I am in a 20 year marriage and I can't see a way out either without hurting her and the kids .Thanks to the great people here I now understand that I have to make me happy and they will make it to . Also the open relationship thing may work for a little while but it won' t last one or both of you will feel guilty and it will cause a problem that you don't want trust me I have a friend that just went threw it they are now divorced and hate each other . If you leave the marriage now you can still be friends maybe even best friends who knows . I wish you the best of luck !
If it is a strategic delay, as in you need to finish your studies, etc. then it makes sense to wait while separated. Believe me when I tell you that your joint arrangements are relatively trivial compared to when you have kids and must separate or divorce...
Everyone has given pretty sound advice here IMO, what I'd chip in here is to change your therapist often until you feel like you're getting the help you need. I had this experience with my therapists and nothing was working until I found better ones.
I agree with sek. If your therapist is not hearing you then there is a problem. If you are being encouraged to repress feelings then there is a problem. It sounds like she is being guided by her values and beliefs, not yours. It took me a long time to find someone I could work with. Now I see the difference the right person can make.
It makes a lot of sense to me.. I'm 39 and went into my marriage knowing I wasn't attracted to men. Suppressing it doesn't work long term...I have learned that the hard way. I am currently separated, while we figure out the details... Since we have a child, it is a bit more complicated, but in the end I believe it will be worth it. Good luck to you!
