Its time to give up on this

Aw Pete, I also feel like I don't have time to date...and I am single! I just don't want to put the emotional energy into it right now. If you'd like to message me, feel free. I know how it is to be sooooo weary. Take care, my friend.

 

Hey Pete,

None of us here could ever fault you for doing what you think is best, despite the current thinking, happiness is NOT the highest virtue. It is more about finding meaning in one's life, having something to live for, which no doubt is what you have with your wife and kids.

Given the situation you describe, it will be tragic whether you stay, or whether you leave, there is no escaping that aspect of your situation. I can only commend you for acting on what you think is the right thing to do and for seeking to minimize the damage to others.

I wish you well on this path, and will simply remind you that things rarely stay the same for long...

 

I will tell you what I tell everyone and I am telling you this from experience…. You can exist in the closet but you will never be truly happy and fulfilled.
So many of us are struggling with this very same issue. I for one, am a lot older than you. Unfortunately the issue won't disappear and when it becomes impossible to live with the pain, I can't promise you that you will be in a better place.
We all have to live in our own skin and in our own comfort zone. I hope you will get some support…. maybe through counseling?
Best of luck to you my friend…it's a tough road! (*hug*)

 

I dont think its impossible to go on as you are... I'm sure there are others that have made a decision similar to yours. I just feel sad that your post seems more like resignation and defeat. I have a feeling that your "gayness" (is that a word?) will be nagging at you... I hope you will be able to find a measure of support either here or elsewhere. *hugs*

 

Hi,

There is another option...

Instead of putting it in the rearview mirror put it on the horizon and set a long term goal.

Maybe when you youngest is age 19 or some other turning point. Plan in itty bitty baby steps. Nudge it, coax it but always towards the long term plan goal. Money, save it in dribs and drabs and over time there is real money.

Set a long term goal... it is an option.

Tom

 

Hi Pete,

Sorry to hear about your struggle. Some of it sounds familiar...

For a while, I was focused on pursuing my newfound gay life (whatever that means) so that I could reach the finish line and live "happily ever after." ... Um, yeah — that didn't turn out so well.

Over the past year I've worked on shifting my focus from racing and finishing my grand gay puzzle (whatever that means) to slowing down and better appreciating the continued evolution of my own life puzzle — pieces of which I haven't found or don't even know exist yet. I'm trying to collect puzzle pieces that complement and enhance my existing journey, rather than gathering pieces that belong to some other puzzle that isn't "me."

This mind shift has taken a lot of stress off me. While I've passed up some opportunities to expand my horizons, I don't feel as much obligation to do things, say things, act things, be things that don't fit my puzzle. Loneliness is still a struggle, but I feel calmer not being caught up in unrealistic expectations that I know I can't achieve.

I hope I'll ultimately find those wonderful gay pieces that fit my puzzle comfortably — it'll probably just take me a little bit longer than others.

Wishing you the best on your journey. I hope it provides the puzzle pieces you seek and desire.

 

I don't think you should feel like your life is tied to past decisions.

You're 43 but you're putting other peoples happiness before yours, taking the burden of their happiness on you, and letting it control literally your entire life.

You can be there for your kids. You shouldn't let past decisions define the rest of your life at the expense of your happiness.

 

Hi Pete,

I'm curious -- if not going to "live a gay life," then what exactly do you plan to do?

Will you remain in your marriage as is? Will your wife accept that?

 

Pete, your well being is important too!
I agree with skiff...set a goal, and work towards that. It will give you something to look forward to..for yourself.

 

Pete, I am 44. Two teenage kids, work insane hours and travel For work giving me limited free time. Came out two years ago, found a boyfriend and we are now engaged. It can work. But it only works if you are ready for it to work. As another suggested, consider setting some goals. Kids age, specific finances, etc.

But at the end of the day, only you can decide what's best for you. Good Luck!

 

It's something you care about, enough to come out. Sure timing might not be right, but one day it will be right. Don't neglect yourself. Be true.

 

I agree with your decision. Your life should be 100% devoted to the wellbeing of your children while they are under your care and this means not damaging their future by this risky behavior.

But your gay life is by no means over. You are free to do as you please once your youngest turns 18. Don't be discouraged, I'm almost 60 and I have the deepest and richest relationships with gay men my age right now then I've ever had at any other time in my life. We all have storied lives, many with paths not unlike yours. They are towering figures in my life and I love them all dearly. To a person, I can honestly say we've never been happier and I know it has something to do with having reached this stage of life. I'm not saying this to make you feel better, with the gay relationships that are in front of you and your children by your side, the best years of your life are yet to come.

 

It's a hard decision. You have to do what you think is right. None of this happens in a vacuum, and if you're concerned about the effect on your family, you can't so something that you'll hate yourself for doing.

All I can tell you is, don't close the door entirely. I understand your fears. After all, I have felt most of them myself. I have an underwater mortgage on a house that's been devastated by my wife's disorganization and hoarding. My two kids are overextended with activities and homework, and they need me as the stable and sane parent. I've managed to avoid a lot of extra hours at work, but I've done it by working harder and stressing myself out more during the standard week than a lot of my counterparts. And I'm 10 years older than you are to begin with.

When I was your age, I already knew I was gay, but coming out was barely a blip on my radar. I used to fantasize about my wife finding a boyfriend and divorcing me, or her being killed in a car crash on the way to one of her many activities, and then perhaps I could see what it might be like to be out. But I never would have considered admitting it to her and trying to move on.

A big part of my coming out was that the scales started to tip, and instead of being more afraid to start out a new life as a gay man with a lot of baggage, I gradually became more afraid of committing to a future in a relationship that was making me unhappy and unhealthy. (After all, I started thinking about my mother dropping dead of a heart attack at age 46 and thinking, maybe if I'm lucky that will happen to me, or I'll get cancer or something.) You may not be at that tipping point yet. Things change when you reach the point where you can't NOT change them.

My house is still a cluttered mess. My wife is still nuts and irresponsible and in denial, and while she has actually gotten a full time job, she still isn't helping with paying off much of the debt she has created. My girls are still over-extended, but one of them can drive now and some of the weight is off my shoulders. I managed to make a few changes to insurance and other bills that I'm able to save a few bucks a month. They're small steps. But I also have given myself permission to go to support groups and the occasional other activity, and yes, I've even put my foot down with my eventual ex-wife, and now spend 2 nights a week with the man I love, and she knows that I'm just biding time until he and I can get married and have the life together that both of us have waited all our lives for. Life is still complicated, but the world hasn't ground to a halt either.

So live your life the way you need to, Pete. Just remember that you're never too old to make a change, and things CAN get better. If you're not ready for it now, that's OK. Some people can come out in their teens or 20's or 30's, and for some it's later. I wasn't ready at 43 either. And at 53, I realize that I may have missed some opportunities that would have presented themselves if I came out at 23 or 33 or 43, but that hasn't stopped me from being happy and content and downright ecstatic that I finally came out when I did. I hope that happens for you too.

 

Pete I am in the exact same boat as you. I recently came out to my wife and I am struggling with the options to stay or leave. I think in my heart I want to leave for me, so that I can live authentically to myself and build a life for me. But the flip side is, I love my wife... she is my best friend, and the family? I feel so much guilt about breaking that up, about the prospect of screwing up my kids in the process. I hate it... and I wish I knew... but here is the thing... i think what we need to do it to take everyone else out of the equation the answer would be easy... staring us in the face... its just a matter of getting to that point. I wish you all the luck in this tough decision... and i would totally understand if you plan to stay as is... but i would love to keep up with your story... feel free to contact me on my wall if you need to chat.

 

I still think that, even if you're doing this for your kids, your kids would want you to be happy. You can still be there for them and be gay.

If my dad told me he was going to stay in a straight marriage despite being gay, just for me, I'd tell him that it's ok to look out for his own happiness too and he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to live his life for other people, or think that his happiness isn't something that's compatible with being there for his kids.

 

Hi Pete...it's a really tough decision and you can only do what you feel is right. If you decide to stay and remain faithful to your wife, how confident are you that you'll be able to do that for the rest of your life? How sure can you be that your desire to live authentically won't get stronger with time?

 

Please do take the kids out of the equation as you make your decision. Kids are resilient, I know this from experience. As long as your a loving father, they will respond in time. I say this from personal experience as I previously mentioned.

 

I have to echo the thoughts about the kids. My 16-year-old made an interesting observation when I told her about my relationship with Richard/GayDadStr8Marig. She has known how strained things have been between my wife and me for years. She said that parents always say they want their kids to be happy, but that kids need to see their PARENTS happy too. Seeing their parent or parents in a good mental place actually makes them feel more secure, even if they're potentially not together. When the people you look up to are screwed up and miserable, then you are too, but if they’re working things out and gaining confidence, then you can do the same. She's kind of an old soul, that one.

There's a certain amount of self-respect and self-esteem at work here, too. Probably the hardest thing for me to get past in this experience is the notion that everyone else's needs mattered more than mine. At one time or another, I've said literally everything you said in the original post--almost exactly the same worries and concerns. It's almost uncanny, actually. But in the end, I had a glimmer of hope because I felt deep down that I might end up being a better person if I was true to myself, and that could be a good thing for everyone. My wife wouldn't agree, and from what you've said about yours, she might not either. But her being dependent and manipulative wasn't fair to either one of us in the long run, and while she's definitely not liking this new dynamic, at least I'm here to guide her through some of it. If I'd been hit by a bus or something, she'd be in the same circumstances, but without a safety net.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm pushing you. Not my intention at all, and I firmly believe you have to do what your conscience allows you to do. But speaking as someone who faced so many of the very same worries and obstacles (and is still working my way through some of them), I have to to tell you that it does get more bearable and acceptable as time goes by, and you do start discovering solutions that you didn't realize were there at first. And think of how it felt being open with the guys on the hiking trip. One day you could feel like that all the time--maybe not tomorrow or next month or even next year, but one day. So don't close the book completely. Unexpected things can happen that will shed just a tiny bit of light, and give you a little hope and direction. (I can attest to that!) The kids matter. Your wife matters. The bills matter. But so do you. Keep that in mind, my friend.