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Relatively older

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by annnonymous, Oct 27, 2014.

  1. annnonymous

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    So I turned 29 in May. I look young for my age, and I haven't had a single positive experience in being gay. I have never been on a date, and the last time I had sex was seven years ago. I feel time passing and I don't think I'm particularly unattractive, boring, or unintelligent. I don't know what to think. Is there no hope for me? I have been treated really cruelly by other gay guys, and at best, have just been casually rejected (I realized I was gay when I was almost 22). I have serious issues with self-confidence, mostly related to the fact that my father was emotionally abusive to me and taught me that i was inherently unworthy and unlikable. Sometimes I feel suicidal, not only because of the failure i have with guys, but feeling dismissed and disrespected by pretty much everyone I meet. I don't know how much more of this I can stand. 10 more years? 20? 30? Until I'm in my 80s? I don't want to live like this, and I don't know what I am doing wrong. Please help me.
     
  2. clovis

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    Hey... don't beat yourself up.... life has its ups and downs that's for sure... but let me tell you taking all of it out on yourself isn't the answer. Now I don't know you at all, but I can tell you that you are important to the world... that you are needed here... and that I am so glad you found this site to open yourself up. You will find that this site is very supportive of all people. Anytime you need to please feel free to message me on my wall.. I would be happy to chat. keep your chin up
     
  3. Yossarian

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    It sounds like you could use some professional help from a psychiatric therapist to deal with the abuse issues you had with your father, and your lack of self-confidence. You are neither unworthy nor unlikeable, you just are not meeting the right people for some reason. 29 is not an unusual age to reach without a relationship for someone who only became self-aware that they are gay at 22; we are often more unsure of ourselves because we receive negative messages about ourselves from many sources. This is why you need some professional help to get you back on track. Once you have these issues behind you, you will be confident about your ability to meet other gay men and deal with them as equals, because you already are equal in every way that matters.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    At 29, you have your entire life ahead of you! Don't judge yourself against others who went out boozing, sleeping around and catching whatever STD is out there this month! You actually avoided all of that mess!

    Parent issue? Your not alone with parent issues. It's very common. So many of us are dealing with parents that were simply unpleasant. It's just another hurdle to jump over on the race track,

    And you can continue to buil your confidence and self esteem; and by virtue of recognising that you are attractive (glass half full to not being particularly unattractive) you are actually on your way.

    Relax a bit, don't be so hard on yourself. Continue on your journey with an open mind.
     
  5. skiff

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    Hi,

    First, you are likable, worthy and deserving of respect.

    Second, your experience with gay community is not unique. It is not you, simply bad luck.

    Lots of trust issues in gay community so possibly "hurt first and walk" are common. I don't know.

    I just recently responded to a guy, chat was nice, nice guy, looking for dating, only to learn he is partnered with no plans of leaving partner, he is happy just lonely and horny in the relationship. Come on!!! I got self respect.

    There are good guys out there. We are out there. But where the good guys are is a challange.

    Not you at all.

    Tom
     
  6. annnonymous

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    Thanks so much everyone. I have been shocked by the fact that I have not encountered homophobia at all, not even once, in the seven years since I came out. Everyone has been accepting and supporting. Except other gay guys. It is shocking how cruel they are. I feel broken hearted right now. I don't know what they find so unattractive about me. I have even considered just trying out gay conversion therapy, because i am more popular with girls than I am with guys. Actually, the contrast is shocking. Women will buy me drinks at bars, compliment me on my looks, or chat me up. Guys won't even look at me, and that's on a good day. I wanted to go through what other people went through--being young and gay, and having boyfriends and hooking up. Once you turn 30 in the gay community, you are tossed in the trash.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    I am not sure where you live, but maybe your hanging out at the wrong type of places. Like you, I have not experienced any direct homophobia since coming out, but I was actually shocked how much attention I got from other guys both either online or in bars aiming for an older crowd.

    If your hanging out at places that are targeting a younger crowd, then yes it might be tough. If your interest are with younger guys, those younger guys that like older guys will hang out at places where older guys hang out (either online or the real world). If your location permits and has available places, give that a go.
     
  8. quietman702

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    Please stand strong! It will be ok and I encourage you to see a counselor to help work things out. You said "Once you turn 30 in the gay community, you are tossed in the trash.", maybe in the club scenes but there is a big gay world out there where you'll still be wanted and needed.
     
  9. ComplicatedSort

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    I'd suggest an alternative... try saying this to yourself and see if it might sound true:

    "Once you turn 30 in one part of the gay community, you are tossed out of the shallow end of the pool."

    If "youth" is the only coin of that realm, it might be time to change realms. And you may well find that the water is deeper there - you might find there is more interest in actually getting to know a person, in spending time together doing everyday things as well as the more-exciting things.

    In other words, it may not be your fault if some of the crowd fails to recognize and appreciate you for who you are instead of where you measure up on their social "yardstick"...
     
  10. skiff

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    Join a gay church... UU
     
  11. awesomeyodais

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    I second the suggestions of dealing with all that emotional abuse and "unlearning" any fragments of an internal image of worthlessness through some form of professional therapy. To quote The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "we accept the love we think we deserve". I'd paraphrase it and say we often attract the kind of guy we think we deserve.
     
  12. annnonymous

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    That's the problem, probably. I honestly think I deserve a great guy, but no one seems to find me desirable.
     
  13. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome. Some good advice already. I strongly echo the need for therapy; it will be a huge help in encouraging you to work on your self esteem issues, which are almost certainly getting in the way of having a healthy relationship and, indeed, being able to attract anyone worth having.

    I also strongly recommend Joe Kort's book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has little to do with finding real love and everything to do with understanding and loving yourself. Secondly, I'd strongly recommend Brené Brown's book "Gifts of Imperfection" which deals directly with the shame and self-esteem issues you describe.

    Third... the business about being tossed aside after 30 is, quite frankly, bullshit. Yes, the shallow people who are only interested in youth and appearance won't be interested in you, but , quite frankly, those are incredibly unhealthy people who are incapable of sustaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship... so you aren't missing out on anything.

    Finally... stick around here. There's a lot of great interaction and discussion that is very relevant to what you are experiencing, and I think you'll find a lot of people here with similar issues to yours that can share experiences with you.
     
  14. Choirboy

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    I totally have to echo what Chip said, and also add that given your painful history, dealing with that is far more important than worrying about dating, sex or boyfriends. You truly owe it to yourself AND anyone you might potentially become involved with to come to grips with the past so it doesn't cloud a new relationship. You're not really as old as you think, speaking as a veteran of a 20+ year straight marriage. I went 30 years between my first experience with a guy to my second, and while I'm certainly not suggesting you use that as a model, I CAN say that I was in a much better mental and emotional state at 52 than I was at 22, and the relationship that I've ended up in is a much healthier one than I would have been likely to find 25 or 30 years ago. So don't think that there's any kind of age deadline--it's not a healthy thing to do to yourself.

    Problems with self-confidence, self-esteem and the shadows of past abuse will make you much more likely to end up in a codependent or abusive relationship, or no relationship at all. Think of it this way - if you were locked in a small, dark cave for 20 or 30 years with poor nutrition and exercise, you wouldn't want to try running a marathon or climbing a mountain after you escaped it, until you developed your muscles and started getting healthier and used to the sunlight. And you certainly wouldn't want to be someone else's spotter on the climb, either. Your past experiences are emotionally dark and confining, and finding and maintaining a relationship is a challenge. Taking care of yourself and your own issues needs to be your first priority.
     
  15. skiff

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    Hi,

    Once you have self worth worked out consider expanding your dating pool age parameters.

    What matters is balance and maturity, not age.

    It is a numbers game and expanding the age range expands the pool.

    I know it is difficult to expand the range upwards but there are older guys not into your age but who you truly are.

    Best of luck