So i'm a bi guy, who hasn't dated in about 10 years. I'm in my early 30's. Maybe it's weird I know, but I have been in the closet, at first thinking, maybe I am gay and from a conservative background. But in fact realizing, no, I am not gay, but I am bi. I think coming to terms with the fact that I am bi has in fact been more troubling then when I "came out" to myself that I was gay because everyone wants me to fit into a nice little box of gay or straight. Anyways, recently there have been a few girls who have piqued my interest. There is one in particular that I'm really starting to get attracted to, and I think she has an interest in me too. We chat alot, and for the first time in a long time I caught myself flirting with her. It was kinda funny to catch myself doing it. But we have now shared a few inside jokes, and we talk whenever we can (she typically asks about what I have been up to or what I will be doing). So here's the thing, I've not dated anyone because I'm not ready yet to start talking about being bi. However, one thing I definitely know, is that if I do end up starting to date a girl, even though I'm from a very conservative background, I want them to know that I am bi. That being said. I'm not ready yet to talk about that with this girl. I just want some advice. Do you think its unfair of me to continue flirting with her when I know I am not ready to talk to her about me being bi? How do I explain to her my 10 years of not dating ANYBODY? That's a little weird now that I think about it, but there was a few others that I did flirt with during this time. Any advice would be appreciated.
That's great that you are building a relationship with someone after 10 years without one. Personally, I see no issues with you flirting with her, as your concern about when to tell her your bi is mutually exclusive to building a relationship. In terms of timing of when to tell her, I believe that's something which needs to be at a point in time when you are comfortable and trust her. There are so many things about each persons histories that are learnt about and from one another as a relationship develops; and this occurs over time. I would suggest not waiting until the relationship gets to the point of a full commitment to one another. But continue to become friends, build the trust and respect and when the time is right, you will know it. As far as what to tell her about not dating for ten years? Well, there are numerous reasons, focus on work, education, friends, just was not interested in making commitments, go take your pick. Good luck and keep us apprised on how you progress!
I think it's great that you are interested in a girl. This is all part of a process in figuring out who you want to be with. It's not easy and it's certainly not black-and-white. What you wrote sounds a lot like what I was going through about 1-2 years ago. I wrote a little bit about it in my very first EC posts which seem like an eternity ago and I am in a very different place than I was then! In short I had finally decided to try and date men, met nobody, then totally unexpectedly met a girl that I ultimately formed a relationship with. This attraction to her was surprising and confusing but I was sincerely interested- in hindsight probably for the wrong reasons. I honestly thought I was falling in love with her but I think I was falling in love with the idea of having a public heterosexual relationship and the pleasure that I derived from sex and her companionship was just collateral. Anyways, with time and growth and distance and other things the relationship ran its course over about a year. A lot of things went into the breakup but one of them was certainly my sexuality. We never would have been compatible in the long-run. She would try to help when I had general life problems and her suggestions never helped- she never understood the real me- we just weren't right for each other. But I learned SO MUCH from that relationship- particuarly because, at the age of 30, I had never really been in a serious relationship. I learned what I want and what I don't want and that really I want to be with a man. As far as talking to her about all this, I say go for it. When she and I were in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, I was literally seconds away from telling her all about my history and my struggles with my sexuality and then I chickened out- the opportunity was lost and somehow that was the end of that. I tucked it back away in my mind and I was never honest with her about that. Like USxUK said, after that it just seemed too late to tell her when we were already committed. Maybe things would have been different if I had told her? Probably not, because in the end she didn't ever truly make me happy, but maybe our relationship and breakup would have been better since there would have been more honesty. One huge thing I have learned while coming out is that the value of honesty cannot be understated. Likewise, as far as you not dating for ten years, who cares?! You don't really owe her any explanation. If you are comfortable with telling her the truth, then do so. And if you aren't, don't- just try not to fabricate reaesons. If she doesn't like you for you then it isn't meant to be. I hope that that is sound advice. Good luck!!
Thanks.... a wonderful twist to the story, today for the first time (in many months of us chatting) under her breath as she was chatting to someone else she mentioned her boyfriend.... it was a weird feeling. But it was also weird because she said it very softly and looked away from me as she said it. AIY!!! i like the advice of who cares about why I didn't date for 10 years.... if we ever get there I agree! I also agree that I will have to be more open in the future if something ever does develop especially before it starts getting too serious. I will for sure keep you all apprised of the situation.
Good luck to you. I am in a situation where I was last with a guy when I was 19, but it was a friends with benefits thing. He was the only one I've been with, so I have a 12 year "dry streak". Tried dipping my toes in with a few friends who were girls, and it just didn't click. I didn't want to lose our friendships. But that was a year ago, and I am more determined than ever to have a boyfriend because that is where my sexual arousal lies.
