Hi all- First of all, thank you guys for being here and taking the time to read all this and respond. It means a lot. Here goes, Lond story long- First of all to get it out there, I was abused When I was 8 years old. My grandfather would stay with me in my room when my grandparents came to visit. One night we were in bed about to go to sleep and he started lightly scratching my back like he always did. He knew I loved that as a kid, but this time I felt something poking me in the back. I didn't think anything of it until he pressed it firmly against me a couple times. I asked him what it was and he simply to me to "touch it". I remember feeling the outline of his erection through his pajama pants. He then pulled the front of his pants down and gently guiding my hand to him. I remember the sensation of touching his skin, it was so big! So there I am with my little hand wrapped around his throbbing cock and he whispers "tighter" so I grip down a little more and he starts ticking back and forth pumping in and out of my hand. I felt what I now know as precum. He did this until there was gobs of his cum all over the bed and my hand. He grabbed a towel and cleaned it up and I rolled over and went to sleep. I honestly think that I blocked this out for so long that essentially forgot about it. I told no one! I went on to have many girlfriends through junior and high school, and did quite a bit of sleeping around with many girls. I was actually In a relationship with my girlfriend at the time for about a year when a buddy and I ended up "experimenting" accidentally. We were at his house alone in his room and started watching porn like boys do... Next thing I know we are touching each other. I was so excited I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest! I ended up going down on him to which he very quickly finished in my mouth. It was awkward for a few days, but we ended up messing around again. This time he went down on me and I tried to top him but it just wasn't meant to happen. Again, I told no one and knew he wouldn't either. We went back to our regular ordinary high school lives and chalked it up to experimenting. A few years later I met a gay couple by chance encounter (my car broke down in front of there house) an instantly I was again intrigued. Driving away after fixing my car and chatting with them, that was all I could think about. A few days later I went back to that house. We chatted for a bit, had a couple drinks, and it happened. Now he was quite a bit older than me (I don't know if the abuse had anything to do with that or not) but I was attracted. He took everything slow and taught me a lot. I found out real quick that I was a bottom and just how good it felt. This relationship went on for years. Every couple weeks I would call or go by and have my bisexual needs satisfied. On a couple occasions all three of us were involved, but manly just the two of us. I was always the submissive one and preferred that role with him. Only when all was said and done, the moment I finished I felt ashamed and guilty. Especially when I was doing it behind a woman's back. Now I have always LOVED women and always been with them. I truly think that is where I belong. I always notice sexy, attractive women and they are what does it for me most of the time. I never have looked at a guy with lust or yearning to be with them. Just not my thing. I am very masculine and no one would ever remotely think that I had been with guys before. Well I ended up going through a failed marriage (it was worth it cause I got an amazing daughter!), drinking heavily afterwards, and went straight back to sleeping with many more women. The marriage failing had nothing to do with my alternate sex life... So about 6 years ago I met the woman I am with today. We aren't married but we have lived together for much of that time. She has kids that I se as my own, and she addors mine as well. She is gorgeous, smart, funny, sexy, and everything I could ever want in a woman. I truly love her with all my heart! We have the best sex that I have ever had in my life...hands down! Perfection. Well one night after a couple years of dating she was going down on me like she had many times before. Except this time she accidentally brushed her fingers against my hole while massaging my balls. I twitched and kinda jumped a little! She said "I'm sorry". To which I replied "No, that's ok. It felt good!" Next thing I know she is rubbing all over me and starts fingering me. I came instantly! Probably harder than I ever had before! After cleaning yo and laying down next to me she says "you really like that don't you"? I didn't know what to say, but I agreed with her. This happened a few more times, each time a little more and a little rougher. We went to a concert one evening shortly there after and decided afterwards to go to an adult store just messing around. She ends up looking at the strap-ons and butt plugs and asked me what I thought? I seriously didn't know what to say but I guess the look on my face said it all. We left the store with a few new toys for me and a couple for her. We went hine and got straight to making out. I'd been hard the entire way home. We make our way to our bed and can't keep our hands it tongues off each other! A few minutes later she got up and went to the bathroom. She came back sporting a new cock! She started talking dirty which was not like her at all and fucked me silly till I came all over. It was amazing, yet I didn't quite now how to feel about it... After doing this a few times I got up the balls and asked her what she thought about seeing me with another guy? She didn't know what to think and later said she wouldn't mind trying it. I was excited. I started looking for a guy and couldn't wait! But then she had a change of heart and said that she loved me too much and that she just wanted to keep it the way it was. I disappointingly agreed. I brought it up a few months later again and she wanted nothing if it. I found myself looking at online gay porn or searching through craigslist adds looking for what I had been craving. I answered a few adds and even put a couple up since I had long lost touch with my old fwb... Well like so many she found my history on my phone which led her to look at my email account and needless to say I got busted she was devastated and confused and didn't know what to think. She was questioning my sexuality and asked me if I was gay or bi? I told her that I assumed I was bi but that I was defiantly not gay! Since I never told her about my bring with a man before she took it as her fault for pegging me and using toys on me. I couldn't go back now and tell her all that is done before her. So the anal play ceased. Hell sex ceased for a good while, but I knew i did t want to lose this amazing woman. I did however tell her about my grandfather to which she was upset. Not at me but that it had happened... I honestly love her and want her 99.9% of the time...I just want to be submissive and take a huge man every now and then. She kept asking me how I could supposedly "love" her and want a man? U tried my hardest to explain to her that it has nothing to do with the love aspect and everything to do with the feeling I get from it. Being dominated and used. I've since told her that I want her to start pegging me again but she won't. I truly think that if she would like she used to that I would be satisfied. I keep hoping that these urges will go away but they seem to just get stronger. What do I do? Anyone have any advise?? I don't want to lose her. And if I chose to leave I would still want a woman...so more than likely I'd be in the same boat as I am now. Do I just keep suppressing my feelings to be pleased? Idk...
You might forgive the lack response, while very honest, your prelude was quite descriptive in such a way that might lead some to think twice about replying. Having said that, it seems you were honest with your girlfriend up to a point; and given you did not go all the way with full disclosure, she is under the false assumption that your sexual desire for guys is her fault. It would seem, if as you say she is a great girl, that she is rather open minded. I think if you eliminate the false sense of responsibility she has and come clean with the truth, she might actually be more accepting than you otherwise think. Not sure you have anything to lose by telling her the truth. If you go on without the full disclosure, she is being misled, and how is that a foundation for a successful relationship? Take it from someone who was in the closet while married, that only leads to heartache. If you do tell her, she realizes your sexual needs are based not on her doing, but on your own desires. This eliminates the pressure off of her, and, who knows, maybe she respons in a positive way.
Well I surely didn't mean to scare away anyone by being as descriptive as I had been...just thought I would put it all out there and be as honest and upfront as I possibly could. She would leave or ask me to leave if I told her all of my past. I am almost positive of this. I really don't want us to end as I've said everything is perfect except this. Plus she is staying home and finishing school as well as homeschooling one of her daughters and if we split then it is going to affect so many people. I don't want to be the cause of that... I mean seriously...what are the odds of finding another woman who lives you and is your best friend, that would be ok with an open relationship? Anyone out there experiencing this? Please share. Again, I apologize if I was too forward.
If you feel it's not an option, because you think she is great and can not accept your past, then what's the relevance of knowing if others have an open relationship with a woman so they can see guys? Aren't you just torturing yourself? That said, you might read some prior threads where husbands have stayed with ther wives and where the wife has agreed to let them play outside the marriage. It is rather common. In fact, it was an option I was asked to consider when I initially discussed being gay with my x. At the same time, I personally know another friend whom is doing just that. But to get there, everyone needs to be open and honest with one another. Only you can decide if the risk to you relationship warrants the discussion, and it sounds like your pretty comfortable the risk is not worth it.
Confusedsex I wish I had something profound to share with you but I don't. I would like to affirm what USxUK said "Not sure you have anything to lose by telling her the truth." and "Only you can decide if the risk to you relationship warrants the discussion... " My friend imho your bi-sexuality is not going to go away and it may be better to deal with it head on. Again it's your journey and only you can make that call.
