What do I tell my 15 y.o.?

Parents have sex? Just kidding...

Kids are resilient. The silence following the, "Yes, lesbians", comment may very well have been from the shock that you are a sexual being rather than that you are a lesbian. Let's hope that is the case. If not, it does not change the face that you are are lesbian.

You said that there have been several people in your family who have come out. As was the case in my extended family, it made things so much easier for me. My cousin, my son, me, my niece, then another niece are out as LGBT. My youngest son is bi but has only been interested in two girls so far (and has kissed one guy...). If your child knows that there are others in the family who identify as LGBT, it should make things go much smoother. It is a daunting task to tell, especially family members, but it is something that will make a difference. Secrets suck.

Good luck! I hope all goes well in the immediate future and in the long run!

 

I told my teenage kids (14 and 16 at the time) in a very matter of fact way. I let them ask questions. They were more concerned about the breakup with their parents marriage than with the fact that I was gay.

 

Instead of making it about sex or sex only, you can make it about who you love. I told my kids, one who was the same age, and they all accepted it and moved on (I also question the orientation of my 15 year old). It's best just to be honest and take it from there. You can't always predict what will happen, hopefully it works out for you.

 

I just had to tell my 15 year old and my 21 year old and it was extremely hard for me to do ! The oldest took so so but the youngest OMG I got called all kinds of names told how I was selfish and I needed to grow up ,however it has been a day or so and she is a lot better now .Keeps asking me how do you know that you are gay and last night told me that she don't understand I am trying to explain it the best I know how .I wish you all the best of luck and smile it will get better !

 

I think honesty is the best policy. I haven't told my kids anything, but they are much younger (2 & 6) and I'm not planning on leaving my marriage or changing anything on them. However, when things like sexuality come up in a conversation, I answer the question. We've always told them that if they choose to get married it can be a boy or a girl (but not their parents - that always breaks their hearts), and I hope if either of them is not cis oriented, these early conversations about "personal" parts, puberty, and choosing love will help when they do reach that age. I think once they are older, I may choose to tell them, especially if I think they might need the support...

 

Interesting that at least two of you suspect that a child of yours is LGBT. My oldest son came out to me as gay when he was 12. It changed everything for me over time, including my belief system.

 

LittleLionGirl from what you've said your 15 yr old probably already knows or has good suspicions. I encourage you to just be yourself and honest. Be ready for possible questions, outbursts or them saying "ok that's cool... can I go to my friends to study". Take care and please let us know how it all turns out.

 

The wheels are turning in his head already, probably, which is a good thing. Kids, especially in a family where there's already some LGBT exposure, can be remarkably accepting. This may do double duty--learning that you're a lesbian may go a long way towards making sense of his parents' split, and also it may help pave the way for a possible revelation on his part.

Yeah, you don't want to make it about sex. Do that and he'll just cringe and shrivel up like....pardon the expression, but like a dick in ice water. I'd say lead into it by talking about why you weren't happy with his dad, how it wasn't something wrong with him, but that you just couldn't connect properly with a man because in your heart, you know that your orientation is towards women. How you felt that you needed to be true to yourself so you could be the best possible person and the best possible mother to him, because it wasn't fair to anyone for you to be living a lie. Even if you didn't go into your marriage to his dad believing it was a lie. And how you love him and feel that the best way to show him how to be true to himself is to be true to YOURSELF as well.

My girls have been very accepting and understanding. I've been lucky. But I suspect with your family background, things will go smoothly with him. I've shared this before, but my oldest said that it means a lot to a kid to see their parents happy. It gives them hope that they can be too. Let him see that you're happy. Best of luck!

 

Best of luck with your son, I know that the right words will come, let your heart speak, it has its own eloquence...

Yeah, kids...my older son posted on FB this week that he was looking for an LSD-like substance...then another of his "friends" comments that she knows where to get him some...:tantrum:

Amazingly I am still able to intercept these conversations on FB and I intervened, he tells me he was only half-joking after I showed him what this shit does to people...WTF! :bang:

 

You might just think about what you want to say... go it through a few times in thought, and just keep a few points you want to say in mind...

(&&&)

 

Hello Lioness,

My best advice in these situations is: do not make it more of a big deal than it really is.

As you say, it's not all about sex...and to the extent that it *is* about sex, it's none of his business (i.e., your sexual life isn't his business any more if you're gay than if you're straight).

The only way in which this information is relevant to him regards who you might be dating/bringing home...and simply wanting to be honest with him about who you are, which is nothing but admirable. Of course there is also a chance that he'll be bullied at school, but let me say this clearly: you will not be the reason he is bullied! Bullies do not need reasons like a gay parent in order to do what they do...they bully kids for being intelligent or creative or whatever...your child was probably *always* a prime target. If he is bullied, it will be because there's a bully; *not* because his mom is a lesbian...and the school should address the issue.

So how do you talk about it all? I'd say reasonably casually. "Y'know how uncle ____ is gay? Remember when he came out? Well, just so you know, as it turns out, so am I. I thought you should know so you're not confused if I bring a woman over for dinner some time...or if I say I'm going out on a date, and a woman picks me up for it."

That will likely only *open* the conversation...but it's also possible that that may be it for the time being. Don't push. If he wants to talk more, fine...if he doesn't, give him time and space. He may have questions about you. Decide ahead of time how much you're willing to say...what you'll answer and what you won't (some questions can get personal, and teenagers aren't always sensitive about that, so you'll need to set your own boundaries). He may express fear of what kids at school will say: reassure him you're not publishing this in the paper (you're not, are you?); but acknowledge that his concern makes sense...but it's most likely that these days there will not be fallout. Do NOT allow your concerns over this issue to leak out to him...it's entirely possible that he knows enough queer kids at school (or kids with queer parents) that he's not worried (and has no reason to be). He doesn't need your anxieties...they won't serve him.

But it does make sense (perhaps in a later conversation) to talk with him about what he might say if someone does ask him about it. His best answers are probably along the lines of, "yeah, my mom's a lesbian...so what?"

I dunno...I feel like I could go on for pages...so I'm probably telling you far more than you want to know. But if you want more, I'm happy to say more.

Very best wishes to you...this is a big and important step...just don't overblow the importance.

 

Ok. Is it weird I'm starting to miss your posts already because pretty soon you won't need to come here? You'll be all solved up.

 

That is the most totally awesome response ever!

 

OMG...so huge and cool! Just like that, eh? I can't say I'm surprised it was more of an issue in your head than it was in his...but every time things play out the way they should (i.e., acceptance, love, the relationship you've built up being more important than simple "news" about you), I get a special thrill.

I'm so happy for you!

 

that is so cool lion girl. i can only pray it goes even half as well when i am able to tell my 16 yr old. so happy for you(*hug*)

 

just...*hugs*