What is this...?

I personally think it starts at home, though I guess there could be some chemical imbalance to blame as well. My mother was always the type to snap judge people and situations. Everything was a possible catastrophe. When my Daddy wanted to go drink with the boys and play dominos this was somehow sinful and abandonment of his family. So he drank more and more, and all I heard most of my life was the two of them railing at each other. Horrible insults. So I never really learned to see my world as a positive place. The outside world, or my pretend world which later became a career in theatre arts, were an entirely different matter. Thank God for that.

My mother used to always completely freak when I'd make a contradictory decision. Simple things like changing my major or deciding to sell a car that was too souped up for me to drive safely. Sure I made some boneheaded decisions, but I also made some damn good ones, and continue to. But she taught me to second guess myself.

These days I crave a world of kindness and wonderment so much that I keep my rose-colored glasses on until some asshole rips them off and steps on them. People only have to arch their brow at me or question my answer and I shrink inwardly. I've had to control it, being an administrator with a lot of responsibility, decision making, etc. My boss is patient and understands my potential despite how hard it often is for me to stand up for myself. I've gotten better, but at nearly 51 I don't know if I will ever undo the damage done in childhood.

Good question, Skiff.

 

I think some of it is just personality too. My son and I are extremely hard on ourselves (to the point that at 6 he tells me he hates himself - although that could be to get my attention too). My husband and daughter are much more go with the flow type people and don't get why my son and I get so worked up when things don't go the way we planned.

 

This is a really interesting question for me and one that is part of the work I am doing regarding 'self-worth'. Somewhere along the way I came to believe that my wants and needs are less important that everyone else's. As a result I tend to see that I am the one full of faults that don't make the realities of others materialize. They are all better than me and deserve my focus on helping them achieve their 'better than my' realities. Their world is better than mine and is more deserving than mine. Where this ever came from I don't know. I think for me it some origins in what was a deep commitment to the Catholic church when I was young (I thought I'd be a priest at one point). Those teachings taught me to believe I am not worthy to consider myself to be a generally 'good' person and that I always have sins to repent for and make up for. Took me into young adulthood to get away from that but the legacy of me being inadequate lingers in other ways.

It is this legacy that is one of my stumbling blocks from moving forward… what right do I have to say my life is as good as anybody else's and I deserve to be as happy as anyone else… particularly at this late married with kids stage and will make their lives less than ideal. They are the 'better' ones and I'm the 'inadequate' one.

 

skiff I value you and your posts and can tell they come from a good man. My background is very similar to Horizon55, it took me a long time to realize that my needs are just as valid as anyone elses.

 

Horizon55 brought up a good point about our spiritual upbringing. I was raised Free Will Baptist where women are just naturally submissive and second rate. I no longer practice an organized religion but I can see where some of that affected me.

 

I believe a lack of confidence and self esteem cause people to have low images of themselves. I do believe setting and attaining goals and objectives, no matter how big or small, helps build both confidence and self esteem. The more goals and objectives which are obtained, the higher your self esteem becomes, until such point as your able to see the best in yourself consistent with seeing the best in others.

Moral of the story, set some realistic goals and objectives and go get them done!

 

Mmm well, I will quote a friend of mine that always says "We lie the best when we lie to ourselves"

I think many times that self-loathing comes from an inaccurate perception of other people and of course an inaccurate perception of ourselves. People have a tendency to try to hide their flaws and present themselves in the best light possible, so if you compare yourself to these same people you'll get the idea that you are somehow more flawed than others.

When someone seems too "perfect" I get very VERY skeptical.