where are my opportunities to explore my sexuality safely?

Hi,

If you want to keep the marriage why explore?

My opinion ; tell wife, decide as couple what is acceptable and proceed.

Only option in my opinion based on "keep marriage".

 

Omla thanks for you post. Had to really think about your question. There's two ways you can go here imho.. 1 Find another bi-guy that's cool with fwb or 2 Tell you your wife and get her reaction, it could be that's she cool with it. But to be honest neither way is without risk. I'm thinking there's really no "safe" way available.

 

Option #1 is really risky. Sooner or later... somebody slips up.

 

I agree that option 1 is very risky. I told my wife a few days ago that I'm bisexual, and that I have very strong urges to be intimate with a man. She loves me, so we've talked about options. I was very surprised. She'd made comments in the past that she's digusted by gay sex. We went and got me a toy, but if course, I'd love the real thing. We're still figuring things out. Good luck

 

I would advise that if you plan on acting on your same sex attractions that you be honest with your wife before you do anything. I have been out to my wife for 2 years now and it is the best thing I have done. There will be ups and downs, but probably the best path.

I often see married bi/gay men try to validate their exploration using the SSA as an excuse to cheat. Be open and honest. There are a lot of ways to make a mixed orientation marriage work, but if she discover s the cheating she may end it right there.

 

This is always the dilemma. Do I explore my feelings secretly, and if, and only if, I discover that they are un-ignorable, do I then inform the wife. Or do I open Pandora's Box when it may only be some misunderstood urge of the moment to do something different, and screw everything which it turns out I actually want to keep intact irreparably up by bringing up the topic with the wife. This is what people say when they don't understand what their orientation is and want to shop around for information, not have an affair based on a well known personal characteristic.

You say you are "currently bisexual", so you know enough about yourself to say that. You must be dissatisfied with something about your current married life to cause you to want to have sex with men, not with women in general if you are certain you are bisexual. On the other hand, if you are actually more gay in orientation, and THAT is what is causing your dissatisfaction with your life as you are living it, then what you are probably doing is wanting to see if you can find A MAN who you would rather be living with than your wife, and if you can, then you would be ready to give up what you have to get what your really desire. This implies that, from an emotional standpoint, your "marriage" to your wife is really over and you just don't want to upset the comfortable apple cart until you find the "right guy".

You really need to think this through and decide where your heart is and whether you no longer want to be married to your wife, and if that is the case, you and your wife would be better off if you deal with that before you go off looking for a guy to live with, because if you DO that on the down low, and she finds out about it, the process of separating from her via a divorce could get very nasty and very expensive for both of you. No matter how awkward it may feel, being honest with her from the outset is the best choice, whichever way you decide you have to go.

 

in a dark ally at night

 

I struggled with my feelings for many years. I tried the down low approach and kept that a secret for a very long time. But, as someone else pointed out, that will inevitably come to light. Eventually, someone makes a mistake and then you have not only the sexuality issue to discuss with your spouse, but the cheating issue as well. I was incredibly fortunate in that my wife didn't want us to split up and after a couple years of working through many angry and unhappy times, and working with an excellent counselor (which is hard to find) we are closer and happier than ever.
Looking back, I wish I had been in a place where I had felt safe to just tell her that I thought I was bisexual and that, while I love her, I also sometimes had a sexual attraction to men. I don't feel like monogamy is an impossibility for mixed orientation couples. It does take love, work, and understanding. But, so does a "traditional" relationship. We have found toys that are an acceptable addition to our sex life. We are more open and communicative about our needs and feelings. And, we both take the time to try to understand each other. She says that she trusts me now more than ever. She also knows I am on this website, as I am totally above board with her about it. She has even become very involved with working with young people, especially college ages, struggling with their identity in this area, even receiving training and professional certifications on the subject.
My goal in this post is not to brag, but to offer the possibility that there is hope that, by being honest, things can work out so much better in the end.

 

I think if you talk to your wife and tell her you want to explore, she might actually respond favorably (recognizing I do not have any insight whatsoever in your or her specific situation). People struggle with change, especially when it risks how they perceive their entire life. If your honest with her, given where each of you are in your life, I would not be surprised if, after the initial shock, she agrees with you and allows you to explore. From her standpoint, would she rather she loses you over letting you be open sexually? If that is the case, you and she should set some guidelines as to what is or is not permissible.

That said, if you are doing this to ultimately determine if you are in fact gay versus just bi, honesty is the best policy and you should consider advising her of that as well.

When I came out to my ex, she would have been happier had we stayed together and allow me to explore outside the marriage. For me, however, that was not a viable solution as I wanted to now be completely and totally true to myself.

 

I always told people the toys are not the same as a penis:eusa_naug

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2014 at 09:29 AM ----------

SSA?

 

If you want to keep a committed marriage, you don't really get to 'explore'.

The most you could do would be to ask your wife for an open relationship, where you are both free to go with other people. I have to say, these don't always work out, and can cause a lot of jealousy. They work for some people, though.

You could also mention you just want to explore briefly, but there's no getting around that this is still going to be outside of your marriage. There's a lot of risk, because she may feel betrayed, especially after the marriage vows, jealous, and incredibly worried for her future. Even if it goes well, and she says she's okay with it, she may internalize a lot of that and not share it with you.

At the same time, being open that you're bisexual is important for knowing each other more intimately, and that shouldn't come with risks. But wanting to sleep with other people does.

Ultimately the course of action is up to you.

 

The best time to plant a tree is 30 years ago. The second best time is today. You're 56 and you want to explore, having been to baths and massage. This sounds a bit like escalation. I don't want to paint you with any particular brush, but it might be a conversation that you'd want to have with your wife in the case that this interest becomes an obsession which you feel the need to act on, in more and more severe ways.

You could stay and live out your life with your wife while you struggle to keep these desires at bay, or you could go behind her back and hide it until either:

1. she finds out
2. you tell her and you make a rational and adult decision together
3. you magically become "cured". You realize that this is something you've desired your entire life, but now that you have the don't-give-a-fuckedness that age affords, you explored, and you realize you don't like it.

I'm new, but I'm going to be the voice of integrity - without any judgement.

 

the right answer of course is that you start by telling her. however, not all of us do the best most right thing. so the next best answer is to buy condoms, and USE them!!! whatever you do, don't put her health at risk. that's not fair. but, to be honest, condoms are not 100% effective, and there still remains a risk, even if it a greatly reduced risk. so, if you are ready to stop having sex with her, that would eliminate the risk to her. but it doesn't sound like that's what you want to do either. but hey, you've had sex with men, and you know you like it. so you don't need to figure that part out. maybe you just want some more, which personally I can understand. but you might be better off making friends with gay and bi men, without sex, just to get more of a feel for who you are. bottom line, there is nothing wrong or abnormal about being gay or bi. but no matter what the circumstances or reasons, we can't get around the fact that the right thing to do is to tell her, and then take the consequences. otherwise, you'll keep making your decisions based on not "disrupting your marriage," and she will never understand why something just doesn't seem quite right.

 

I agree.

 

Lots of good advice in this thread. Gotta be honest with her.

 

I always think counseling FIRST is the best bet. This may seem underhanded, and I don't mean for it to, but counseling provides the perfect bridge to open conversation in a relationship. YOU NEED TO TELL HER. PERIOD! Let counseling be the thing that opens the door. It's really a matter of perspective. Counseling lets her join the journey with you, without knowing any of the specifics. It will help her to see the struggles that you are really facing and put her in a position of supportive strength. I think that when people just bluntly come out to a spouse, by default it puts that spouse in a defensive position at first.

I mean really, why do we think it is ok to just jump out of the closet and scare the crap out of our loved ones, when they didn't even know there was a closet in the room to begin with?

 

this advice really hits home for me. I like that image of jumping out of the closet and scaring the crap out of people! :roflmao: It's a funny image, but it is also so true. I've been spending decades coming out to myself, and years trying to figure out how to come out to my wife; so how can I expect her to get it in a sudden moment. Sadly though, from past experience, she wouldn't be likely to go to any counselling. she is quick to recommend it for other people, but not very receptive to it herself, or even to me going alone. :tears:

 

You mentioned gaining experience in an effort to learn more about yourself, so I would suggest that you discuss your feelings about being attracted to men with your wife before you gain the experience, if that is still possible. I would also suggest that if and when you have that conversation, don't make the goal one of seeking permission to play. Just start the conversation and let it occur in stages over several days.