I wonder if any of you could help me out with something and help me understand some things I am feeling? After several months of personal and marital counseling, my wife and I have come to the conclusion that it seems separation and divorce are eminent. To begin with, the prospect of our separation came with a slight sense of relief. And, I am not sure relief is the correct term but its what comes to mind at the present. Anyway, after having considered the costs of leaving my home, my children and all that is familiar I have begun to wonder if reconciling is a viable option. There is obviously more than simply a reconciliation in the marriage. It would be a reconciliation of my sexuality and suppressing those emotions, relying on God to "fight my battles". I suppose all this comes about because I've been told how selfish I am in pursuing these life changes. I just feel so empty and alone. I want to be honorable in this transition. The gay men I have met tend to be promiscuous which is not how I care to live my life. Im just not seeing many in my area that care to pursue an honorable relationship. It seems that at least if I have to fight my homosexual nature and remained married, I would not be alone and empty. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. So many of you have given me great wisdom in the past that has helped shape my thinking in this incredibly hard time.
I can attest to having many of the same thoughts. The thing that I have to keep reminding myself is this...would I be able to stay and be happy. So many times in our path to make others happy we forget that part of their happiness is also contingent upon the way we feel and whether or not we are truly "there". I know for me, when I have feelings and thoughts I tend to bury them inside and I find ways to avoid having them. So I make busy work, or I sleep, or I tell them to go on and have a good time while I sit back and let life pass me by. There is nothing selfish about wanting your happiness. My wife has told me over and over again, she just wants me to be happy. Yes, it will be tough. Yes, there will be lonely times. I too find that many of the gay men in my area are promiscuous, and I also find that I fit none of the typical stereotypes. I worry about finding someone that I can connect with, but it will take time and effort on my part. Especially to find a good guy. Hang in there know that there are so many who are dealing with similar situations.
Hey Salco127, welcome to EC! You have come to the right place to hash these things out and to perhaps understand why so many of us, myself included, did what needed to be done. Not for our own selfish happiness, although we deserve to be happy like anyone else, nor to leave our children behind, as we care deeply about them...Your children are the crux of the matter. Your mood icon says it all, I've heard it said somewhere that, worse than being alone, is being alone when you are supposedly "with" someone. But the fact is, you aren't there for your wife, you aren't there for the kids, and everyone at the very least senses it. It is tragic for the marriage, it is damned difficult for you, your wife and the kids to go through separation and divorce. Doing the right thing often includes a tragic element, like cutting off an arm to save a life. What is the alternative? These feelings, God knows, will not go away (He put them there in the first place!), over time if nothing is done, the corrosion in your relationship with your wife will make reconciliation (after the divorce) even more difficult. As for the promiscuity of gay men, turn that around and ask yourself just how promiscuous single straight (possibly divorced) men are these days. In any case, this is poor excuse to not be yourself. As I said above, your children are the crux of the matter, not only because you are not yourself, your true self, with them (and believe me, they can sense it), but because you may want to teach them by example the costs, and the blessings, of living with integrity.
This is spot on! The kids know, without a shadow of a doubt. Having gone through the process with kids, I am now building a relationship with my kids that would never had been possible had I stayed in the closet. It sounds counterintuitive, but coming out is beneficial for the kids.
Thank you all for this... although I didn't start this threat... this is where I am... I came out to my wife 5 weeks ago... and the last 5 weeks have been a roller coaster for me... since she wants me to stay and stay closeted... but the ball is in my court to decide to stay or to divorce... one minute I want to stay... then next go.. but what everyone has said here makes perfect sense to me... I think I have always know what I need to do... but sometimes pulling the bandaid off hurts more than we think... and so we put it off..... and hope that it will eventually just fall off on its own... that's not gonna happen... its time for a RIP!!!! thanks!
Know this. As scary as the idea can seem, the process will likely {at least a large part of the time} feel even worse than you've imagined. BUT. (Isn't there always a BIG BUT?) But. In the end, it is so very worth it. I have gone through the separation, I have gone through the coming out, I have gone through both terrible loneliness and the kind of alone-ness that has brought me the greatest peace I've ever known. Despite my love of this new-found independence and explicitly stated desire for 'just friends', I have found a woman that sets me alight and always leaves me wanting more. I am free and I am truly me and I am experiencing life and love and intimacy on a level I always thought was shear myth. My children and even my ex only want to see me happy and all seem to like me much better now. I've had to make some serious financial concessions and I've traded in the vision of a future that cannot and will not be for a downsized version that will likely result in me living longer thanks to a happier, healthier life. Is it hard? Yes. It is worth it? So far, for me at least, that would be a resounding yes!
Just a little thought bug on your "relying on God to 'fight my battles.'" Does it seem possible that God created you beautiful and whole just as you are with the attraction to other men? It may be that this is the battle that God is helping you with in the present, to live as God has created you to be. In the midst of my own divorce and coming to terms with my sexuality, I had to reframe how I looked at things. Since I thought myself selfish for meeting my own needs, I came up with these questions I would ask myself as I made these heart-wrenching decisions. "What would I tell my daughter or my son to do?" "What would I want for my son or daughter in this situation?' I could not see what I would or could do for myself, but I could imagine the advice I would give my children. I followed that advice.
I love this. Its a perspective I have never considered. I know exactly what I would tell my sons. I have even contemplated that question about them but yet, I have never considered giving that advice to myself.
Your worry about being alone and empty is understandable, but you said it yourself...that's how you feel now living a life that you were not meant to live. It does take a degree of selfishness to take this step. Although, selfishness isn't precicesly the right word because it implies you're acting with malice, which is not the case. You're trying to make the best decision you can now that you now the toll that living inauthentically is taking on your life and those you care about. It is possible to do this and remain a dedicated and loving parent. As others have said, it will likely lead to a stronger relationship with your kids. It's also possible to minimize the trauma for your wife by treating her with kindness and respect. It's not easy, but many of us here are doing it and I don't know of anyone who regrets the decision.
^^^ This. It may be possible that some of the negative feelings you may have regarding being gay or seeing gay men as mostly promiscious are also left-over-feelings from internalized religious homophobia. I know it is for me... I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that I may be more 'butch' that I initially wanted or hoped for. The negative responses that I have internalized regarding such gay women still bothers me sometimes; but it is all coming from outside, from external opinions that I picked up from others. As I am slowly learning more and more to rely on my own opinion, on internal feelings, the impact of these negative thoughts lessens. Having been taught to think in negative stereotypes regarding LGBT people has its toll. It takes time to undo all the negative messages: one of them being that God has to help change us.... I've found that the website BelieveOutLoud also helps with seeing things from a different perspective as it is affirms our identities rather than claiming they need to change or be fixed somehow.
The more you come to accept yourself, the less daunting some of those fears will become. In fact, despite as terribly real as they often are, you may start to wonder if your brain wasn't magnifying them out of all proportion because you just needed to step back and adjust and slow down. Coming out, even to one or two people, is a huge event at the start, and it can be mighty traumatic. Some of those fears and obstacles may just be your mind figuratively pulling over into a rest stop to check the map, close your eyes for a bit, stretch your legs, and maybe fuel up with a Coke and a bag of pork rinds from the vending machine. :lol: I came out to my wife a little over a year ago, and moving out was absolutely out of the question financially. Well, it could have happened, but it would have entailed selling the house and causing more disruption in my family's life than I was willing to do at the time. And I'm quiet and shy (well, I used to be--not so much now), and very conservative and monogamous (which has NOT changed!), and jumping into the stereotypical gay world seemed WAY more than I could handle and be comfortable with. So to some extent, I did step back and let God show the way, if you want to call it that. Or really, just survey the territory and get accustomed enough to a completely new way of thinking about myself that I could move on with a little more confidence than I had before. We're not divorcing yet, but I'm filing for a legal separation so we can start functioning more as separate individuals and not completely nuke our finances. It's far more for her benefit than mine, but it's what my conscience will allow at this point. I've discovered here on EC and elsewhere that there are a lot more quiet, conservative, non-promiscuous gay men around than I ever would have guessed. We just fly a lot further under the radar than the stereotypical guys do, but we're out there and we get easier to spot after awhile. So while you may feel isolated now, that can change. And I'll admit that in my case, the more out I get, the more comfortable I am with it, and behaviors and stereotypes that made me cringe a year ago often don't bother me nearly as much anymore, because they don't strike the same kind of fear of being "found out" that they did when I was totally closeted. Yes, there's a touch of selfishness in this process than I've not been entirely comfortable with. Although really, how selfish was it for us to put on a show for years of being straight because we couldn't face who we really were? Worrying about every gesture and turn of phrase and longing glance at a random hot guy, being so completely wrapped up in our own fears and behaviors, all so that we could appear to be something we weren't? Being self-aware isn't necessarily a bad thing, and allowing yourself the freedom to be comfortable in your own skin may seem selfish at first, but it really means that you can stop worrying about your own situation and concentrate your energy on more positive things. In the end though, I have to echo what others have said. It really IS worth it.
You have pretty much summarized where logic has lead you, to conclude that "separation and divorce are eminent". Now, having reached that conclusion, you are having the not unusual "buyer's remorse", looking at the negative consequences which could flow from that decision. BTDT. You are also now trying to rationalize the avoidance of those consequences, rather than the positive aspects of what you had previously concluded was inevitable, by lamenting and probably exaggerating stereotypical characteristics of "all gay men" as being "promiscuous", which is believable, since most unencumbered men of a sexual age, straight or gay, are interested in sex of some kind. Society in Alabama makes sure to tell them that they are promiscuous and remain so, by preventing them by law from forming stable married relationships, seeing as how they are so "naturally promiscuous" and unsuited for marriage, like good Christian straight men (who get divorced several times) are. You cannot "reconcile" away the fact that you are gay. It isn't going to go away, and God isn't going to "handle this situation" for you; as President John Kennedy said, "In this world, God's work is truly our own." What you CAN do is handle it like a responsible adult, along with your wife, so that when you do separate, the primary burden of your marriage mistake is not borne by your children. You can remain in the community and in close contact with them, so that they see and thus know that you still love and very much care about them, while you try and find a soulmate better suited for yourself. If they see that you are happy, and that their mother is happy, they will be happy too. If you are miserable and distant, and your wife is without joy and resigned to her mutual fate of remaining married to a gay man "for the kids", they will pick up on that too, and may develop guilt feelings of their own. They probably are doing that right now, wondering why mom and dad are having problems they don't understand. Ultimately, you and your wife have to decide which of these situations you are going to impose on your kids. Or either of you can unilaterally decide to separate the family into two units and impose that choice on the other. It would be better if you and she reach a unified decision on how to do it. It can be as simple as you moving out, and in with your new partner in a nearby location, where the kids can spend time with both of you, and you can share taking care of them and dealing with situations which can best be handled with two parents working together, but living separately. She also might want to remarry to a straight man if you separate; some do. Either way, there is no perfect solution to a marriage with one gay person and one straight person, and kids in it together, but you CAN make it work, if both of you try. Just don't try to pretend that you are straight and that everything is hunky dory to your kids. You got where you are today by trying to do that.
