I don't know where to go so I thought that I'd check out this forum. I'm in a terrible funk to the point of suicidal. Let me start by telling my story. When I was a teenager and starting to realize my sexuality I went to the place I always went for answers, the library. I found a book on homosexuality (this was in the early 70's) and in it talked about homosexuality being a "cult" of youth and once one got older they were cast off from the tribe. I also had religious reservations about the whole thing too. I was in my early 20's and had a successful heterosexual relationship for a couple of years, and I told her of my feelings for men, she seemed to be ok with it. Anyway not to turn this into a autobiography I'm going to fast forward to the first time I let myself explore these feelings. I was in Mazatlan Mexico and got picked up by a very cute sailor. We went to my room and talked and had a drink. I told him of my reservations with the whole gay thing and he told me I should just get married and life would work itself out. I tried to have more heterosexual relationships but "it" never seemed to work. Until a number of years later I found this woman who came on to me but I told her I was gay. She was fine with that and we continued to be friends then one night, out of the blue, I kissed her, not a peck but a kiss and "it" worked, we made wild passionate love. We fell in love, madly deeply and got married. For years everything clicked along fine, we had 4 kids, life was grand. Then we lost a child to cancer. During stress I eat and I blew-up to 250 lbs. I turned 40 and one day walking out of the shower I saw this depressed, sloped shouldered fat guy that I didn't recognize. I vowed to do something about it, so I hit the gym. Now I don't do anything half assed I got to the point that my trainer wanted me to compete. I was buff. My job required to travel, a lot and now I've got this hot body and had the rest of the package to go with it. One time in New Orleans I was walking down Bourbon St. and 2 gay guys were walking toward me the one guy was eyeing me so hard he walked straight into a cast iron post and knocked himself on his ass. I felt good and bad at the same time but ended up going to a gay bar. That was it, monogamy was over. I took my wife to New Orleans and told her that I was frequenting gay bars and took her to a few. We really had a blast. We even tried swinging a couple of times, she's kinda bi also. Reality struck though, she figured out that I wasn't just hanging out at them gay bars and confronted me and I told the truth, it wasn't easy around the house for a while. I couldn't leave my kids and I still truly loved my wife and the sex even got better with us. Jump ahead a decade or so and she has to have an emergency hysterectomy. Some how the sex changed that spark was gone and "it" stopped preforming all the time. And it got worse I just can't do it with her anymore no matter how much I try and I want to, it don't work. Now I'm 60 still don't look bad but not like the New Orleans days and I don't know what to do. I can't divorce her, not want to either but I can't please her anymore and the books that I read in my teens are right the gay lifestyle is youth orientated. So now I really depressed, turned to alcohol and have no more interest in life. If I go to a shrink they will tell me to divorce her but I just don't see that as an option. Depressed and confused.
The only part of the gay 'lifestyle' that is youth orientated tend to be drinking establishments and even then there are bars that cater for the more mature amongst us. I think it's certainly the time to explore if that's what you want, but certainly being gay isn't just a young mans game - we all get old. It's a cliché but life is what you make it. I can't really advise you on the home life as I have no experience in that area.
True I'm surprised how many daddy chasers are out there. I put that in there more as a point of why I chose the lifestyle I did. I know a number of gay couples my age that have a good relationship. Maybe it was wrong to include that in the ending. Thanks I know the answer is for myself to find but I just felt lonely and depressed and wanted to tell the story.
That's what the forum is for, use it as much as you need to. It'll take time to figure things out but you will get to a happier place if you really want to
Regulus thanks for sharing with us. I'm 58 and am here to tell you my gay life has just started. I would venture to say a number of younger guys have seen the futility of the club scene and opt for maturity. (in my humble opinion). Like you I feel lonely and depressed, playing the "what if" game. Please don't go by the books you read in the 70's as there is so much more known today. It is not a cult or mental disease.. imho it's something we are born with. Please do not despair, it can seem hopeless but it's not, it will work out! Please lean on us and if possible seek out a LGBT friendly therapist to help work out the conflicting feelings you are having. In short know that you are loved and you are not alone!
Reading your story, I'm not sure I would jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only viable option. You and your wife are at an age where sex often isn't as important, there's already a deep bond and shared life, and it's harder to start all over. Plus you've been open with her about a lot of your gay history. So maybe there is some way to work out an arrangement where you may stay married but the sexual component kind of fades away and you are free to pursue your own passions. I don't know if this would work for you, but I've read about some older couples that go in this direction. Have you spoken to your wife about this at all? She may be more understanding than you expect...
