Hi, I'm fairly new to this site. I posted an introductory note in the welcome area, though it was difficult to cover so much life history so briefly. I've been reading various threads hereabouts to see how others deal with life situations. Tonight, I'd like to write about one of my own. I'm 54, biologically male but otherwise ... I once thought female, but I don't know anymore. I try not to care about the inner conflict but I know better than to believe that's possible. I sometimes think I'm a synthesis of male and female characteristics (so-to-speak), at least in my mind and heart, and wonder how in blazes anyone like me could be a match for someone else when I'm not so easily classifiable. I would like to believe it's possible for me to be happy someday. Yet my fear says I'll simply live out one of those "lives of quiet desperation," days blurring into days, a numbing rote of "wake, work, eat, sleep," until the end of thought, the end of breath, and finally, gratefully, the end of the pain. After I came out to some work mates at a pub when I was in Sydney some four years ago, I had the crazy notion that I could then be totally honest about myself - finally! - and from then on it would be easy street. Hah! I'm wiser now. :lol: After returning to the States at my next job I stayed "out", but I still kept to my near-lifelong habit of being a social hermit. But at least my boss was great: she didn't care (much) how I dressed, whether or not I chose to express my feminine nature through the wearing of (some) makeup or jewelry, and so on. She summed it up like this: "You're still intelligent. You can still do the work I need done. Your personal life is just that: yours." I was - and am - still afraid. I have no idea "how to live a gay life". What the heck does that mean, anyway? I only want what everyone wants: to live my life my own way and not give a hairy rodent's behind about what others think or say. A difficult proposition for certain, and very confoosling at times. I can mentally accept that. But I've spent most of my life alone, sexless (aside from self-gratification), without romantic love, or any physical or emotional intimacy, and so freaking depressed at times words become meaningless gibberish. And what's to blame for that horrible existence? My own fear. I couldn't lead the life society said I was supposed to, and I was too afraid - of what?! - to lead the life I wanted? Insanity! I tried to put my life together as I wanted when I was in my late 20's but I failed miserably. Now I'm wondering whether or not I should bother with trying to lead any kind of life. It's not thoughts of suicide that plague me (anymore) but a complete lack of self-confidence in my self, my attractiveness, and my sexuality. It's been only since this past April that I discovered the "joy of sex" with men. I love it and want it all the time now. Nearly every sexual fantasy I've had for the past several years has been about men. Every time I see a guy, attractive or not, I think about what sex would be like with him. I'm like the proverbial kid with a new toy. Or maybe I'm just a natural-born slut at heart. Either way. But it's just so tough for me to do the "casual sex" thing. I've tried - e.g., last April :eusa_danc - but lately I feel myself pulling back again. I've bowed out of every invitation to go down to a bath house with friends (never been to one myself - yet), with no imposed expectations, just to hang out if nothing else, he says. Why don't I go with him and have some sort of experience, dag nabbitation?! I'm so freaking horny all the damn time (even with the meds-induced 'ED', as if things weren't interesting enough) but I'm so afraid of going. I feel like an ignorant virgin all over again. I feel a longing, an almost physical need for romance. I need hugging, kissing - I need frellin' foreplay. I also feel a silly need for an emotional connection to a person before I can feel comfortable having sex. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I still feel as inhibited as a frigid nun. But, like any healthy human, I need sex, too - with another person, dangit! So, how can I ease myself into having a social life that's true to who I am? I would like to make friends, socialize with them and others, things like that, and be true to myself. (I'm so sick of pretending.) I would like so much to meet "a special someone", to feel that little tingle when I'm around him, and to feel a smile glow out from my heart through my body and to my face whenever I'd see him (as it was when I once thought I was in love). I've always been this way. Every time I've tried casual sex in the past it was always a failure "as a man" (granted, the attempts were with women, but I adore everything about women and their bodies, too; go figure). But I'm okay with being this way. What I'm not okay with is being afraid - probably of nothing, but still. What if I make an ass of myself, or say or do something stupid (embarrassing is okay, but not stupid :icon_wink), or being designated a jerk or a bitch or something? Or worse, what if I'm rejected because I'm old, bald, not skinny enough, or just plain ugly? I can imagine myself going out solo to a gay bar or club and spending the entire night alone - just like when I wasted time pretending to be straight in those bars and clubs - sipping my drinks, watching other people laugh, dance, kiss, hug, talk, and feel that special energy that comes with having fun with friends. And then, when reality finally sets in, heading home wondering why I bothered going out - and swearing off doing it ever again. How do I dismiss - or at least sublimate - this crippling fear so I can live the life I deserve: the life of a loved and loving human being? How might I ease myself into an open, honest and "gay" gay life? :confused2:
Are there any other non club events that you're interested in? For instance, one of the local bars has a trivia night and its a nicer way to have a few conversations with people.
have you considered consulting a therapist to get some tools to help deal with the fear you have? it may be usefull to getting to the place you want to be. cheers
Thanks for the reply! Yes, indeed, I have other interests. I fancy myself a journeyman-level trivia nut, so something like that would be fun for sure. A friend also recommended a local church that is open to everyone but I don't believe in the same god(s) they do. Still, I suppose it would nice just to hang around with other people that have been or are going through similar experiences. I've also thought about taking a class at a community college in something or other, just to be around some people that share an interest. If I'd had my 'druthers I probably would have become a "perpetual student". :icon_wink Maybe the class could be one that teaches how to redirect sexual energy into something else? ---------- Post added 3rd Nov 2014 at 04:58 PM ---------- Thank you for the reply! Most definitely I would like very much to start seeing a therapist again. I did so when I attempted to transition (25 years ago! :eek. I've tried to search for a local therapist experienced in helping LGBT people, and I get results. Yet how to choose one from among the many? Eeny meeny miny mo? :icon_wink Seriously, how does one choose a therapist in a rational way? Are there keywords in their profiles I should look for? Specific "types" of therapy? Particular letter sequences after their name? I have no clue what to look for. Useful suggestions would be gratefully accepted.
When it comes to finding a therapist, the good ones are the hardest to get an appointment with. If you call and they can make you an appointment two days from now, forget it. Trust me, there are therapists out there that should be reading tarot cards over the phone. The best, you have to wait for - and the longer the better. May sound kooky but I could probably write an essay on therapists, since I've seen so many over the years. I relate to your fear completely, I am there too I think, and there is a "fun fact" I keep in mind. I looked this up on several different sites: the human baby is born with two natural fears. Fear of falling, and fear of loud noises. Every other fear you have, every single other fear, you learned. Many of them are good things to be afraid of, some not so much. You can unlearn them. Being afraid of who you are does not come naturally and is not good, so figure out how you learned it, and then you can unlearn it. You don't have to overcome your fear; you have to see it for the lie that it is, and let it disappear. Heck, you learned that Santa Claus was a lie, and the whole damn world was telling you then that it was true; your family, the fat guy in the suit, even the weatherman. Can you ever believe in Santa Claus again? Nope, so when you see that the world is full of crap for telling you to be afraid of who you are, you will never believe it again. This is what I'm telling myself these days anyway
you could try to contact your local pflag group, they have a group finder on their website. lots of understanding people in this group. and they cater to all shades of the rainbow, not just gay or lesbian. hope this helps.
