Moving out

Hey nb,

Take the time you need to rest, to clear your head and to put some thought into where you are. Solitude and quiet is what you have, and need. But make the most of it, spend it well and think deeply about what is happening now.

Knowing where you are...this is the key, where you are, physically, mentally, in your life's situation, this is the essence of maturity...sometimes you discover the need for a north star to orient yourself, something to believe in perhaps, or something new to depend upon. The bearings you once had: your wife and your home; they are no longer as solid as you once hoped. That's OK...sometimes we need to be reminded of the fragility of our place in the scheme of things.

What you are doing now is entertaining (literally to hold in between) the idea of being gay, this is appropriate, there is no need to confine yourself to a label that may not in the end, fit. Entertain it for a while, get to feel it's presence, try it on for size and examine your feelings with honesty. If it's there, you will know it, trust me on that one.

As for being 35...well, I was 35...once. You are young and frankly in a good place with respect to your future. What you are currently experiencing is the anxiety and the vertigo of freedom. To be gay and proud is not to be proud of anything specific that you've done, it's about pride in being who you are, should you come to that conclusion. It's the antithesis of shame. Yes, you are feeling guilt for not knowing before what you know now, there's no way around this fact, other than forgiveness and moving on with both your lives. Frankly you are quite lucky to be on good terms with your wife, I commend you both on your maturity and wish both of you all the best.

 

NB, greatwhale makes a lot of valid points. For some perspective, after I left the family home, I felt like I was a horrible high wire act at a third rate circus with a crowd just looking for me to fall. The more I walked back and forth on the wire, however, the more confidence and clarity I got. I was fortunate to find a friend to help me through the initial year.

Now two years after my catalyst moment (and I recognize your still sorting through your own identity), I have rebuilt my confidence, definitely know who I am and am very content with the decisions I have made. Thats not to say I do not have moments of reflection and doubt, just as even the best high wire acts would, but even with the occasional doubts, I know where I have been and know where I am going.

The early days are rough, no doubt, but hang tough and over time I trust you will see your way to similar results.

 

Give yourself some time to rest and recover too. You said the emotional turmoil has been exhausting, and that, in itself, will do nothing for clarity of thinking. When we are worn out and tired it blurs our thoughts and feelings. Give yourself time and space to relax as well as reflect.

 

NB, This sounds like a good move.
I'm in a similar place, without the wife! I hope it goes well it's not easy. I'm sure you're also going to go through a difficult time being separated from your wife, this will add to the confusion.
I'm nearly 35 and still very unclear about who or what I am. I recently broke up with a girl who i have very strong feelings for. I am literally heartbroken. I yearn and ache for her company. I am going through all the standard emotions of a break up, jealousy etc. This has added to my confusion about my sexuality. However i feel completely disconnected from my sexuality, sex drive/energy. I need to explore these feeling as they have always being with me.
I still have very strong internal resistance to identifying as gay. In fact i have strong resistance to my homosexual feelings. It's not as easy as i had hoped. I wish things were even a little clearer.
Greatwhale your words have really helped me too. Thanks.

 

I don't envy any of you guys. It's a tough place to be not only for yourselves but the others involved. We've been married for many years and have loving kids and grandkids and I'd never give that up. It would be devastating to all of them. Sounds like the perfect family, doesn't it? It many ways it is.
I've been attracted to men since puberty but did what most guys did, got married and had a family. But as time went on my attraction to men grew stronger and my sexual attraction to women diminished to zero. My wife and I still give each other the occasional hug but haven't had sex since the late 80s or early 90s and by then it was very infrequent. I've had men "friends" from time to time and was very close to one for a couple years. Now I value intimacy more than just sex. I'm lucky that my wife accepts things as they are. So I'm happy that I'm not in your position and have to make a choice. That would be tough. I wish you the best, it can't be easy.

 

Dear NB,
I am in a similar place. My wife and I have worked valiantly to make our relationship work since I came out this year. We are finding it is not working for the long run, and on Sunday we had a painful conversation about the need to physically separate because it is to painful to grieve every day together. It was the first conversation about getting an apartment, and I am still not ready. But I am taking steps in that direction.

It is all painful. But I hold out the hope that one day the pain will wash away, and life will be renewed.

 

It's a horrible place to be. The worst part for me is not being able to trust my own feelings. The sense that what i may be feeling towards my ex is some sort of clinging to a straight fantasy. I don't trust any of my feelings at the moment. I'm hurting.

I've withdrawn very much recently and it has been beneficial. An opportunity to reflect. I think this is key. I have also started to exercise again.

I too feel like i've been trying to work this out my whole life. However, when i really look at it i've only actually started to face this in the last two months, considering how long this has been going on it is only a very short time.

One thing i can say is that my sexuality is suppressed. Whether i'm straight, gay or bi i'm not enjoying (and never fully have enjoyed) my sexuality. In a way that is tragic. And i can't continue to do this.

I hope you find some peace soon.

 

I have never been in the situation you are in, you are both in my thoughts. I can only imagine the feelings you are going through.

I wish both of you, and your wives/kids the best. As others have said, the chance to figure things out is huge. Regardless what you discover about yourselves, I truly hope things get better . You deserve happiness, don't ever forget that!

 

It gets better. (*hug*)

 

Indeed

 

Hey NB and Perplexed,

Perplexed said it best when he mentioned above that he didn't trust his feelings. I think this may apply to you, NB, as well. It is possible to be too much inside one's head, it's one of the hazards of being tied to language and words. And the better we are with language and words, the worse we are at feeling, the worse we are at respecting our feelings; so much second-guessing, so much torment.

When it comes to understanding, communicating and accepting feelings, words are often insufficient...the best we can do is allude to them, often by indirection, sometimes by art and poetry, sometimes by silence and solitude...

I can only give you my experience. For years I refused to acknowledge the obvious. The ego is a mighty foe. When one's self-concept is threatened, we do everything in our power to preserve it. One way of doing this is to take on a role: husband, father, professional, etc. then we live up (or down) to that role until we identify with it, i.e. we assume our selves to be identical to our roles.

Today, I call myself gay because it seems to fit in with some pretty deeply entrenched desires. I only came to this conclusion from a brief momentary glimpse into what it would be like to have a man as my lover. That brief moment, a flash of insight, crystallized and transformed the self I thought I was, to the self I am today. There was no thinking that led me there, no analytical logic showed the way; it just...clicked. But here's the thing: it is still a self-concept, it fits, it feels right, but it is still a role of which I am wary, because I know that I could easily fall into "playing" that role and then identifying with it.

What is my core? Perhaps there is no core...I tend to believe now that I am the role that I play, but only because it fits whatever mysterious thing I am beneath or behind my ego, or my self-concept. I deny any permanence or allegiance to my self-concept, I would rather begin, and continue beginning every day by playing with the roles that I play. As long as I know that I am an actor on this stage called life, what I am deep down matters very little.

I trust my feelings, or better, my intuitions, because they come from that same mysterious place artists have called their muse, or daemon. Ask any artist where their inspiration comes from, most will honestly answer that they have no idea. Ironically, my North Star is goallessness. No grand Goals, no great purposes other than allegiance to what is good. It is the principle of my faith: that whatever I do is because it feels right, it feels like a good idea, in this time and in this place, without reference to a greater purpose. As in a painting, it is this colour, this shape in this place that is the right thing to put on the canvas I call my life.

If at times I stand back and look at the whole picture, I can sometimes find myself stuck, uncertain as to what to do next. There is value in that "stuckness". It is the agony of the blank page, the real drama of creativity right there, in the present moment. And that is the time to be still, to entertain ideas and possibilities that once seemed impossible or outlandish, simply because, until that moment, I never valued them correctly...