Hey all So its now been about 6 weeks since I came out to my wife of 18 years... its been a roller coaster since. We have 2 girls 12 and 14, who know nothing of the situation. I have been seeing a counsellor as has she. We have been talking fairly regularly about if we are going to stay in the marriage... and me just not act on my feelings... or rather 'stay in the closet' or if we will separate. She has left the decision with me. Which I agreed was fair, she didn't ask for this and so I don't thing I have any right to ask her to make this sort of decision. A little of the story... She is Christian, thinks that I can be 'fixed' however accepts the fact that I feel this way (I haven't cheated) She thinks that I can just keep my feelings to myself and we can carry on. I am not sure that I can do this for the rest of my life. My issue is... I cannot make a decision about what to do. I have read so many threads on here that make it very clear what I should do... and honestly I think I know what I need to do, but I am confused. On one hand, I want to live authentically to myself, and he fulfilled in life. On the other hand, I love her! Not so sure I am 'In Love' anymore, but I don't want to screw up my kids, or break up the family! One minute I think ill leave... then I think NO... I will stay... then my mind starts another thought and I am back to leaving... Pretty soon I am going to have to be admitted as I cannot sleep, I cant work.. its all consuming... and I know its the same for her. I need to piss or get off the pot so to speak. Any help or advice you can give is appreciated.
Clovis , my friend I feel your pain trust me I do we have almost the exact same problem two kids married 20 years one child is a step child .I am going to my first therapist session tomorrow and I am scared to death that he will say that I need to grow up and forget my feelings about men and stay with my wife and kids . I have finally admitted that I love my wife I am not in love with her tho. I also feel that I need to share something with you that a very very good friend told me . He said stop worrying about others and worry about making your self happy all else will fall into place let think who said this umm U know I think his name was CLOVIS !! I am here for you buddy you know that you can tell me anything you are my best friend and I love you as such . I really want to help you like you have helped me
This isn't a decision anyone else can make for you. Each person's situation and circumstances are different. I do think it is really difficult and perhaps even terrifying to consider making this sort of drastic change after 18 years. One piece to consider: Regardless of your wife's beliefs, you know the truth: you can't love her the way she deserves to be loved and appreciated. You can and certainly do love her, but one thing that sometimes helps to clarify is to reverse the situation: If your roles were reversed, would you want to be in a relationship with someone that could never love you the way you deserved (and thought you were getting?) Would you want to live a life based on a fundamental lie? Would it be fair for you to ask your gay partner to stay with you and live out (her) life never being fulfilled and experiencing the sort of love she deserves? Those questions may sound biased, but they are really intended to evoke a thought process. Each person makes his or her own decision, but I've often found that the above questions can often be really illuminating if you take the time to carefully consider them.
If you leave, will your wife be able to take care of your daughters? Or do you want to take custody of your daughters? I think you have to consider that while making your decision.
Clovis, I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. As Chip said, this isn't a decision anyone else can make for you but what I find really painful is the fact that your wife thinks that you can be 'fixed'. I find it unfortunate because she has absolutely no idea how tough it's been for you. No wonder she assumes you can just keep your feelings to yourself. (*hug*)
Hi, I had to make the same decision living in the K/W area of Ontario. I flip flopped for years. Decided to stay until youngest child was 18. That was a terrible choice in hindsight. All I did was lose precious years. Now I an trying to rebuild my life at age 56 and not getting a lot of traction. If I could speak to my 41 year old self I would say "End it now". It does not improve with age, it festers. Tom
Hi, Other thoughts... Your wife's religion is unimportant. Really not part of reality. I am not saying anything about spirituality or God which is based in love, only speaking of the human institutions based in something other than love (lip service). Your wife is an adult. She cannot force you to decide on the framework she chooses. It is a conversation. How would she feel if you said "when we make love you have to wear a strap on penis and I will call you Bill. That or we divorce". That is not adult conversation. You need to rethink in my opinion.
Sometimes there are just too many emotions swirling around, and you need a little time to process it all. I knew when I told my wife I was gay that I was setting something in motion that would eventually lead to our breakup. In some ways, I wished (and still wish) that she had just simply said, I want a divorce ASAP so we can be done with this. It didn't work that way. I, too, worried about the impact on the kids, and the money, and I had some very confused feelings for her that I considered "love but not IN love". That led to a period of inactivity that got to be very frustrating for me. But it also gave me just a little time to sort out some things that were worrying me. I started looking at the time I spend with my kids and realized that in this era of cell phones and social media, I'm never all that far away from them, and once I do move out, I won't be invisible. (They're 13 and almost 17, so not too far off from yours.) I took a little time to take a deep breath and discovered that while our finances are a mess, there were specific things I could do to improve the situation and start paying down a few of the worst bills. I also took a look at my relationship with my wife and started questioning what I was considering to be "love", and realized that some of the devastation I was worried about wreaking on her was really asking her to recognize just how unbalanced our relationship really was. When I first told her, I was desperate to maintain a friendship with her and felt terribly guilty about what this would do to her. Now, 14 months later, I've come to realize that there was a vast difference between the effort I was putting into our "love" and the complete lack of effort that she was, and I started forcing some issues like asking her to get a full-time job instead of working 10 hours a week and doing volunteer work (and gossipping with neighbors) the rest of the time. That may not be your situation, but then I didn't realize it was mine right at the start either. And finally, I expected to come out very slowly and not jump right into the gay community or a relationship, but as I became more comfortable with myself, things really moved somewhat out of my control, because I discovered how much happier I was being true to myself. I'm still living with her for now and likely will be until some time next year. We have the paperwork ready to file so that we can do a separation, which I'm planning on filing this week. The bills are still there but I feel less panicked about them. And I have a small but growing circle of gay friends who I can rely on for support. If you're struggling with what to do, it may be that you're not ready to do anything yet. As long as you have an idea of where you want to be in a year, or 2, or 5, it's OK to take a break, go to therapy, let her know that you're giving both of you time to adjust, etc. Assuming she's all right with that. It's not a race, and my experience was that I was better off giving my mind time to wrap itself all around this before making any snap decisions. If no one is forcing the issue, a breather might help you figure out the best thing to do. And sometimes the decisions become easier and more obvious given a little time.
Thank you all for the assistance... I certainly am not looking for anyone to make the decision for me... I guess I am just looking for peoples experiences and such, so that I can try to wrap my head around it. @POTOFSOUP "If you leave, will your wife be able to take care of your daughters? Or do you want to take custody of your daughters?" I would expect that we would share custody 50/50. @SKIFF "If I could speak to my 41 year old self I would say "End it now". It does not improve with age, it festers." First off... I live only about an hour north of KW, so that's sort of cool... Like I said... I think your comment above... is exactly where I am at... I guess its just a matter of 'ripping the Band-Aid off' and doing it. @CHOIRBOY Your thoughts around the time spent with the kids... really makes sense to me... you are right... I suspect we would both stay in the same small town... so really it wouldn't be that far away... As for your comment about taking my time, I wish I could, my wife wants closure to the situation... sooner than later... and I understand why she feels that way. So for her sake, I need to piss or get off the pot... @PARIS I think she understands to a degree how hard this has been... but she wants to know where her life is going to go too... which I do understand. She honestly has been as supportive as she can be given her beliefs.
Well clovis, if you already came out to her, both of you made sacrifices to the family against your own good. It seems to me that she'd be selfish to think only about her well being then, I know that after a so long marriage, you'd have a certain level of love to her, as she to you, you get used to being around each other and supporting each other. But real love would be to support the other for their decision, not looking at our own needs. This would apply to both of you. Would you be able to sacrifice more by staying longer with her for the sake of the kids as well as to give her the opportunity to be financially more stable? and if not, would she be able to do the same level of sacrifice from her side? I'm a married gay man, I'm 49 yo with two kids (21 and 16), still in the closet and never thought about coming out to anyone but online with distant virtual friends. It is hard to give an advice when one needs many. I'm thinking seriously about separation but have other reasons than me being gay that can lead to one. I thought about divorce several years ago, actually she was the one that asked for it a few times in the past, but I fought it for the sake of our kids, now they're grown ups, this idea is coming back stronger than ever .. when or how, I don't really know. I guess with the right time things will change. Always keep it up and don't lose hope, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if we cannot yet see it.
