Update

Well for starters your wife is being pretty manipulative. That tends to hurt.

 

The dialogue needed to start sometime. Her reaction is natural. She wants to blame the situation on other things - her looks, weight or some other factor - because on some level maybe she feels like she failed you, too. If she has always had an inkling about this best friend that has had to have eroded her confidence, and it is sad in a way because there was nothing she could do, even if she looked like a goddess, to change the reality of being married to a gay man. All her irrational demands, the crying in the bathroom, the eventual threats that will inevitably transpire...be patient and forgiving. She has to go through all the steps, almost like a death: shock, anger, fear, denial...It's going to be really, really hard for some time now.

My heart breaks for you sitting there alone at your computer. I know you are scared and torn up. I felt that way when I initiated my own divorce many years ago. Cut yourself some slack. You've made a first step. Now just push the next foot forward like an unsteady toddler. Every inch is progress.

Keep us posted. So many here care and understand.

Tallu

 

This is a situation that is bound to hurt and it will test you a lot, I'm sorry to say, but you need to focus on the ultimate reality of who you are and so does your wife. You have been through a long personal process of questioning who you are - for the most part suffering in silence. Your endurance has been tested but you have finally accepted what has been concealed for so long. Your wife also needs to reach a point of acceptance and it will take her time. Right now, she is shell-shocked, grieving and resorting to self reflection (be it for real or more spurious motives). Only she can deal with her feelings though and in order to that, she needs to confront her own set of difficult questions. At this stage she may not be ready or willing to do that, but the time will come when she must face reality.

I think you've realised that it was a mistake to dicuss the conversations with your therapist and I'm sure you will not do it again. I think it's best for you to see the relationship with your therapist as private and confidential.

I haven't been through this sort of situation and I'm certain other members are more apt to comment and advise, but know that I am thinking of you and willing you to dig deep and hang in there.

Stay with us. We care. (*hug*)

 

It IS terribly manipulative of her to behave that way. Turning the conversation around to all of HER "faults" is a classic way to control the situation by taking focus away from the real subject and forcing you to comfort her about something else entirely. It totally puts you off balance. My wife does it all the time. You will build up an immunity to it after awhile, but it's very tough at first. If I were watching our recent conversations as an outsider, I might actually be amused watching her try all the old tactics one by one--the self-bashing, the anger, the insults, the tears--because they just don't work on me anymore. Be as strong as you can, lb. Her behaviors aren't likely to change, but once you start to understand what she's doing, you will be able to tone down your own gut reactions to them.

Part of this process will be gaining strength, not only about being gay, but about standing up for yourself as a person, and learning how to put things into a healthier perspective. You will learn how to recognize when you're being manipulated, and how to avoid the standard reactions that you've had for years, that keep you in that bad place. And you'll come to realize that your feelings matter too. When you're in the closet for years, decades, on end, you shut out a lot more than just being gay. You shut down and bury your own feelings and sense of worth and your ability to see that you may well be absolutely nothing resembling an equal partner in the relationship.

You're NOT a bad person. You're a good person who isn't used to thinking of yourself as anything at all. A bad person wouldn't be concerned about her or feel guilty and sad about her reactions, and a bad person wouldn't be feeling sad or confused about the situation. You will have some struggles ahead, probably for a long time. Some of my wife's behaviors are very similar to yours, and it took me many months before I was able to put it into a healthy perspective--but I WAS finally able to do it. Keep moving forward and think of where you want to be in 6 months, a year, 5 years.

Going through this is absolute hell, but it can be done. I look back to where I was right after I came out to my wife (Labor Day weekend of last year), and I remember many months of misery while feeling like nothing was getting any better, but now I realize that I was making slow baby steps of progress all along. I just never recognized it because I was in the middle of it. You'll discover 6 months or a year from now that you've been gaining strength and self-worth all along, and you'll be amazed and proud of your progress. It's just not a very pleasant thing to be in the middle of. (*hug*)

 

lb41974 I'm proud of you for coming out 10/24/14 and know it must have been a very hard thing to do. I admire your courage!! You are stronger than you think and I'm sure you'll be able to move forward. Please heed the advice of the other writers as they make a lot of sense. And I agree in time you'll look back to see how far you've come.

 

First of all, let me congratulate you on coming out. You are courageous. I'm not there yet, so I don't know that I'm anyone to offer advice. But my heart is breaking as I read your story. Maybe because your wife sounds a lot like mine, that I can really feel what it's like to be in your house right now. Twice we have been as close to splitting as you are, maybe closer, and that without her knowing I'm gay. It would really help in that situation to have a gay friend to talk with. It is so painful. It sounds like both of you know what the situation is, what yoyr orientation is, but that you're the one who is forced to make a decision, in the face of a threat if you leave. Maybe it's worth reflecting and projecting what your life will be like if you stay in a year, 5, 10, 20 years. For me, being gay just don't go away, and staying has become harder not easier.

 

Wow you are so brave my friend! Hang in there and hopefully these dark days will pass quickly. I'm no expert but it sounds like maybe the worst part (coming out) is over? Cheering for you from the closet!

 

I just have the feeling that your wife is not a person you should be around, no matter what you do about your best friend. The way she is jerking you around when you are trying to be honest and open and caring is scary. You have to decide how you want to run your life, but if I were being treated that way, I would RUN for my life, away from the mentally abusive relationship you have described. Just my gut reaction; yours may be entirely different and is the one that matters.

 

I wish you all the best in your journey. It is not an easy one, your wife sounds like mine, although, if mine knew that I'm gay, I think that she would be the one kicking me out of the house, she'll not stand looking at me! But you're right, you cannot ask your wife to withstand your needs while you are still living together within the same family under the same roof. I'm glad that your kids are understanding though, I think that this is very assuring. As for the wife who is being manipulative, I feel like she is not thinking about you, it is more about her now than anyone else. Did she ever asked what would be best for you? the way you're describing, her reactions are more oriented towards her image more than you or than what you feel .. if this is the case, she's being selfish. If she really loves you she'll let you go to what is best for you. As Choirboy mentioned in an earlier post, if you are a bad person you could have left her a long time ago, and let her figure out all the finances and other challenges on her own, but what makes you stay and endure this painful stage is your caring and manly character, which makes the decision making more difficult.

When it comes to decisions and what to do, it will be always difficult, I've been personally postponing many decisions because I feel like they are too difficult to take. In theory (reality might be different!), if one needs to take a decision about a crucial subject, he should take it now better than later, thinking carefully about all the odds, weight the options and then make the decision. If you need help or advice at any point, we're all here for you .. as much as we can.

All the best.(*hug*)

 

So if she can never make the bills what are you going to do? I think this should be some sort of goal, and she needs to get on board. Easy for me to say, but I could see you in that predicament for years if shes not going to make the effort to be self-supporting.

(*hug*) to you. stay strong.