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Question to those in Mixed Orientation Marriages

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ChasingPavement, Nov 5, 2014.

  1. ChasingPavement

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    Not trying to be blunt or crass, but after you realized, or after you came out. Do you still have sex? My husband has a high sex drive. I've never had a high one with him. Probably due to that pesky fact that women turn me on. I'm not ready to tell him yet, but would like to at some point. And I'm not sure if I would willingly split up either. I really do like him and he's the best parent ever to our kids. But separate from that, is continuing a sexual relationship with him feasible? I mean I'm not disgusted with men, it just isn't my preference.
     
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  2. Choirboy

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    There wasn't anything happening between us for some time before I came out, as you said, not because I was disgusted by the opposite sex, it just wasn't my preference. In fact, one of my turning points as I started to consider accepting being gay was that I did actually initiate sex with her for the first time in a couple years. It was kind of a last-ditch effort to convince myself I could really keep being the good straight husband in all respects. Neither one of us seemed to get much enjoyment out of it (and then for several weeks after, she displayed all of her classic early pregnancy symptoms, which was the final straw that pushed pe over the edge and realized I didn't want to sign on to another 18 years of this). Once I knew that she wasn't actually pregnant, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and shortly after, I came out to my first person.

    Whether he even WANTS a continuing sexual relationship after you tell him really depends on him alone, and whether YOU want it depends on your feelings about him and sex in general. My wife and I are still married for a couple of very specific reasons, but we haven't had any real emotional connection in years, and for me, sex is very much tied in with an emotional bond. No love=no sex for me, but that's me and not you. If it's purely physical pleasure for both of you, I suppose it could continue. But I will tell you that if you do get involved with someone of the same sex who you have a genuine connection with, you may very well lose all interest in him sexually once you realize how different it is. I was never turned off or disgusted by straight sex, but now that I'm involved with a guy and realize how different I feel, I doubt that I could ever flip back. You may have the same experience.
     
  3. AJ Bee

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    Before my husband moved out and I told him I wasn't attracted to him, (physically or emotionally) , there was minimal physical stuff happening, by my choice. I'd reached a point in my acceptance that I just couldn't lie to myself anymore. There are probably people who do continue having sex, and for a short time I did, but it got more and more uncomfortable trying to pretend.
     
  4. bi2me

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    We have a good sex life, but I'm bi, so I'm attracted to my husband. That being said, we do have a number of "marital aids" we use together to help when needed.
     
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  5. ComplicatedSort

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    I've been on both sides of this situation.

    When my (most recent) former wife and I married, it was with the explicit understanding that, since she is bisexual, she could have a girlfriend if she wished. I didn't feel at all threatened by this, since her happiness was paramount to me and there was obviously no way I could give her the experience of intimacy with another woman. She did develop a relationship with a single lesbian in another city, and they spent a number of weekends together before drifting apart. Her girlfriend wanted her to come live with her, and that just wasn't going to happen - their needs didn't match up that well, although they did overlap for a while.

    As the years went by in our marriage, it became painfully clear that sex between us was in some sense broken. I won't get all clinical, but the traditional model of "foreplay leading up to the Main Event and its culmination" just wasn't happening. The "conventional culmination" part had practically never happened, and over time the Main Event part became less and less possible. My body simply refused to cooperate when it was time, its willingness/ability vanishing despite a fine showing all through foreplay. This was terribly frustrating for both of us. She asked that we have no intimacy at all - nothing beyond hugging, not even a kiss - because if she couldn't have the whole nine yards she didn't want to start down the path at all. That was very difficult for me to endure. At one point she told me something like, "This would be much easier for me to deal with if you were gay."

    Well, that remark planted a seed. Over several months I finally began reconnecting with a part of me which I had buried deeply in the closet in the late 1960s, after considerable experience with other boys and young men from my childhood into late adolescence. I began exploring having intimate relationships with other men, and my wife began dating other men as well. That had been something which I had dreaded - since it was open acknowledgement of my own sexual inadequacy with her - but I reached a point of surrender with it. It was actually a relief to me that there was an obvious reason for the way things had gone. After a while we separated and divorced, she married the (very nice) man she had become intimate with, and I became involved with the wonderful man whom I married a few months ago.

    But that didn't result in the "happily ever after" that I had been kind of expecting. I came to realize how much I missed at least some degree of physical intimacy with women. When I reframed my understanding of myself from insisting I was completely straight to "Oh, no wonder - I'm gay!" I overshot my actual sexual orientation. Best I can tell, I'm bisexual, but not in a way which means I can perform wonderfully with both men and women. Sex is the least important part of my marriage with my husband - he has a number of serious medical issues and between all of them is very limited in what he can do - but I can still physically express my love to him in very, um, tangible ways. I can experience at least some of the abandoning myself to passion which I long to do. And we are wonderful partners and companions for each other. Yet I still have a sense of something important being missing. Decades ago I had a girlfriend with whom sex was the most like play I've ever experienced, and it is dawning on me that I've missed that ever since.

    My husband and I have talked about this, and I have his complete support in finding a girlfriend. My guess at a most-compatible woman would be someone who, like me, is a caregiver for a loved one and has some unmet needs for less-than-all-nine-yards of physical intimacy. I'm pretty sure there are folks in this situation, but how the hell do I meet them? :icon_conf

    Hope all this is of some use. Life is complicated sometimes, and I did choose my username with care :slight_smile:
     
  6. Richie.

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    having sex with the opposite sex never sat well with me. So once I came out that was it.
     
  7. skiff

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    Hi,

    The issue is would either of you allow an open relatiinship? With that answer you can move on to other questions...

    Open relationship with rules
    Sexless monogamy
    Unfufilling sex monogomy

    All seem to be closets of their own making.

    Keep in mind that good sex reinforces neurochemistry of romantic love.

    Tom
     
  8. LittleLionGirl

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    When we were still together as status quo, my ex was lamenting our non-existant sex life and suggesting that if he was more attractive things would be different. In a (yes, somewhat strange) attempt to console him, I told him that I had never found the male body attractive. ANY male body. That I'd never been "turned on" by the sight of a naked man.

    That was one of his first clues that I am gay.
     
  9. stella99

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    Once I developed feelings for a woman I couldn't bear to let my husband touch me. Before that it was always a chore that I had to do to keep the peace. Nothing happened with the woman but the realisation of my feelings provided answers as to why it was always a chore......
     
  10. CubbieBlue

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    Since I came out to my wife a few dats ago, we've had sex almost everyday, but I'm pretty sure im bi. very attracted to women and very attracted to men. Do you like being intimate with your husband? You'd be surprised what he may accept if he loves you
     
  11. ChasingPavement

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    Thank you everyone for your answers. I'm still at a loss on how or when or if to say anything. But keeping an open mind. I know he loves me more than anything. so I'll work on me for a bit and see what I come up with. We've had sex once since my big realization. Which was a long time coming and happened in the middle of sex the time before that. So I'll keep up what I can for now and figure out my next steps.
     
  12. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi ChasingPavements

    Coming out to my wife had no impact on our sex life because for years it had been non-existent. My wife was never really that interested in it and is probably asexual and although I used to enjoy, and look forward to, sex with her it never seemed to really be that an electrifying experience that other guys talked of. Of course now that I’ve realised I’m gay I totally understand why straight sex wasn’t that mind blowing for me and when it dried up between us why I wasn’t that bothered, I assume that if I was straight the lack of sex with her would have been a major issue and terminal for the marriage.

    Since coming out, my wife has become much more affectionate in bed and now initiates cuddling, but has not suggested sex, whereas before she frequently rejected cuddles or any form of intimacy imitated by me. I think there could be 2 reasons for this. 1) She doesn’t want me to leave and hopes the increased affection may discourage me from thinking of leaving. 2) Now she knows I’m gay she can cuddle me in safety without it leading to sex that she doesn’t want.

    Over all since coming out to her we are closer that we have been for years.

    SGG
     
  13. Yossarian

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    We continue to have sex 2-4 times a week lately, after me explaining my attraction to certain kinds of males to her. She usually initiates, but sometimes I do too. She says she really enjoys it and we both reach the "Big O" every time, like we always have. I usually need to think about doing it for a while before to build up a load ready to discharge, so we don't have to spend a lot of time before finishing, due to a medical condition she has of her bladder intruding into the cervix and being therefore vulnerable to being "road rashed" inside if we go at it too long. So, it's not like a first time experience between horny juicy teenagers, but it is what it is with my 69th birthday coming up soon. I get my gay jollies working out and playing racquetball, and enjoying the company of my straight male college student friends, and my wrestling, and we do our hetero sex like we always did, with a few procedural and technical concessions to address the effects of being old. Works for us.

    Is a continuing sexual relationship possible for you? Hey, remember what they say, all we guys need is "a place"; we have to do most of the work. If you provide the place and he has a high sex drive, it will work, for him anyway. The only question is, will it work for you, just being the place, and not really enjoying it?

    PS If there is something he could do differently, or better, or longer, or ahead of time, which would make it more enjoyable for you, be sure and tell him in specific terms; we guys aren't very good at figuring that kind of subtle stuff out on our own, but we want you to enjoy what we are doing because it makes us feel more super-studly when you do.