Sick & Tired

Hi,

You know... some docs say the young man attraction is tied to arrested gay social development. When you entered the closet you get stuck and put on a false identity.

I bet when people shed the mask they grow quickly. Don't worry about that too much.

Relax.

I love you already, others do too. You are tribe brother. Welcome.

Hang in there. Breathe.

Tom

 

Hi Andy,
Welcome to EC.
It is totally understandable that the thought of coming out is hard. But it looks like you have taken the biggest step- coming out to yourself. It took me 44 years to do this. You have also come out here, and I hope that having a safe place to explore this new identity will help you on your journey.

I am also married and have a child, and wrestle with many of the same fears, feelings, though, etc. I also struggled with depression and had no idea how deeply until I came out and could see the difference. My wife sees the difference, and we are both shocked at how we could not have recognized it earlier. She saw signs, but I always tried to work through it.

Regarding attractions, if you have been in the closet, is it possible that you do not even yet know what will attract you in another man. You may have ideas of what moves you, but that can all change when being in the proximity of another gay man, who may have many desirable qualities other than age. My heart now goes pitter patter in ways I never could have imagined, even a year ago.

 

Welcome to EC... there are a lot of people in your situation. You are not alone.

 

There is nothing stupid about being attracted to younger men; Mother Nature programs us to see young men as desirable when they are in their strongest and most virile years for reproductive purposes with women. You will probably be attracted to some older men as your experience with them grows, and some of them still look quite good in their older years to you, just as they did when they were younger. Be patient; you are still very new at this process.

 

Hey AndyG, welcome to EC!

For starters, it would be helpful to avoid describing your situation as pathetic or thinking that you are a monster. Neither of these are true. It takes no small measure of courage to confront reality; many don't, and end their lives wondering what might have been...if only.

You are of course absolutely right, your wife deserves more than what you can give her. You are correct as well that your children sense very keenly when something is wrong between you. It affects them deeply.

You have accomplished the most difficult coming out of all: coming out to yourself. Many of us know exactly how you are feeling: elation, shame, relief, regret, fear, anger, hope...all mashed up into one fine mess of raw and newly felt emotions. Then the question as to what to do next inevitably comes up. All that you can see is loss and pain, mainly because we are 10 times more sensitive to these than we are to the possibility, only the possibility, of happiness.

Here is a definition of the word "crisis":

What you are experiencing now is a crisis, there is a need for change, it is decision time...You will find the courage to act only when you realize that maintaining the status quo is worse than taking a chance at living with integrity (notice I didn't say happiness: choosing to live with integrity will no doubt be costly, in the short term at any rate).

But maintaining the status quo is also a decision, one which none of us here could object to, since we don't know your situation, and since you may find a way to live with it.

I have been where you are now, with three kids. I have endured the losses but I have also finally been able to live in my own skin. I have made more friends in the last 16 months than I have in the prior 20 years of my marriage. I have made gay friends in various venues, many from doing volunteer work, online or through friends. I have met wonderful people my age and a little younger. To say that you can't imagine going out with someone your age is just another way of saying you have given up and that it is too late for you...nonsense! For many of us, coming out is like being reborn, like having a new pair of eyes, you simply see things differently on this side of the Rubicon.

We are here to offer support in this time of crisis, post often and let us know how you are doing.

 

Well what do you know! When it comes to guys I only like older guys like yourself! I find them very attractive, probably because they got experience. So if there's someone like me that likes much older guys, there's gotta be more of people like me out there

 

Welcome Andy. I could have written your original post word for word. It's been just over a year since I took the plunge and I can share a few thoughts.

It sounds like you haven't yet acted on your attractions. That will serve you well if you decide to come out to your wife. Telling her you're gay is hard enough without having to tell her you've been unfaithful...or lying about it.

I too thought I'd only be attracted to young guys like the ones I'd been seeing in porn. Now that I have some real life experience, I can tell you the best encounters haven't been with the guys in their twenties but ones who are older than me. Life experience, intellectual compatability and emotional stability are all important parts of the package.

And it's true, there are many younger guys like Jax12 who prefer more mature men. I bet you'd have little trouble finding them.

There's no doubt that coming out would be like an earthquake for you and your family. There will be pain, loneliness and regret. But you are miserable now and that will never change unless you act. And you will be opening the door to many new and wonderful possibilities...the sense of confidence and well being that comes with being who you really are, the chance for true love that's both emotional and physical, and yes intimacy and sex like you've never known it before.

Of course there are no guarantees, except one. You'll never find the peace and happiness you seek by continuing to deprive yourself and the world of the chance to know the real you.

 

I am 46, although a rather youthful looking 46, but anyway some younger guys have kind of looked at me in a nice way...some younger guys don't mind if you are a bit older, so I hear anyway. So it's not impossible. I admire your honesty, btw.

Secondly, you sound like a beautiful person to me. Caring and considerate. Glad you shared here.

 

Hi Andy,

I had never been at a gay venue 2 years ago. I have been to a few now and my take is three part.

1) I LOVE the sense of ease. You do not need to be on high alert.

2) I LOVE making a friend and being able to hug him with deep feeling and you get it back. None of this straight world men cannot express love to men. I am not talking sex simply public expressions of affection and love. Steaightt guys love each other they are just not allowed to express it. They have a milliin ways to say I love you without saying it.

3) I hate the fact that sex is often the coin of the realm in gay bars. In the straight world too they are meat markets.

Overall... I love the company of gay men. I feel as I belong. I am where I should be.

Tom

 

Hi Andy,

Lots of things in your post sound very familiar. Nearly all of it, in fact, and I'm just 53, so I can relate to the age as well.

It's taken me the better part of the 14 months since I came out to my wife to stop thinking of myself, deep down, as a selfish monster who is destroying the lives of my wife and my teenage daughters. I knew I was attracted almost exclusively to men when I got married, although I couldn't bring myself to say I was gay, and I was convinced that being married to the right person would make me forget how I felt about guys. Perhaps if our relationship had been more positive in general, I could have made it work. I don't know. I was pretty determined, and it was only years of unhappiness about many other things that finally convinced me I had to do something to get out of the marriage, and coming out was part of that, but not my only motivation.

A few things I've discovered in the 2 years since I first told a friend I was gay:

--The more you accept it and tell people, the better you feel, and the more you WANT to tell people. Honesty is addictive.
--A lot of people will be surprised to find out you're gay, but a lot of them won't be the least bit surprised. My brother remarked that it seems like the gay one is often the last one to figure it out.
--There's a lot more of your personality and emotions in the closet than just your sexuality. Once you've been out for a bit, you'll discover many other aspects of yourself that you had forgotten or denied, and it will be a wonderful revelation.
--Kids are more resilient than you think. They often have a completely different set of priorities and needs than we think they do. One of their biggest needs is stable and happy parents, even if they aren't together. My daughter commented that if your parents aren't happy, you feel like you can't be either, because you look up to them. Seeing them (or at least one of them) happy gives a kid hope.
--You are not a monster for being a product of your upbringing and the expectations that people had of you, which you felt the need to fulfill. Even if a few people may treat you that way. You were doing what you thought you were SUPPOSED to do.
--Your wife may already suspect something, and even if she doesn't suspect you're gay, she either knows something is wrong, or is actively denying reality.
--She may very well feel shock, anger, hurt and loss. It's not pretty. But chances are good that a lot of her grief has as much to do with loss of familiar routines, roles and expectations than anything else. Things change. It's reality. You coming out may be the trigger, but it could just as easily have been illness, death, job loss or other factors. Try not to beat yourself up about it.
--If you're gay, being in a relationship with a guy is far more different than you realize from your relationship with your wife, even if you have a good relationship with her. Shockingly so. And being held by a guy and making love to a guy is like nothing else in the world.

Oh, and don't worry about your age or your expectations. In fact, don't even worry about a relationship at this point. Right now, this is about you, and your own self-discovery (and dealing with the fallout, let's be honest). You have far more time for than than you realize, and dwelling on a relationship that you don't have yet will just waste your energy. And you'll need it. Good luck!

 

Welcome to EC and thank you for choosing us to talk to. Please don't sell yourself short with the whole age thing. I've found many guys 20+ years my junior to have interest in me for a physical and emotional relationship so take heart. Jax12 really makes a point... there is someone out there for you.

 

Andy
Wow! Hope you realise how courageous & honest you are being, sharing all you have with EC. Like others who have already posted I have so much in common with you. In the last 2 yrs I have gone from only a few people knowing I was bisexual to pretty much all my friends, family & colleagues knowing I am gay. I am 51. I never married or had kids so in that respect it has been easier but yet I carried so much internalised homophobia that it has been a long and bumpy journey. I don't know what your own journey will be like but I do know however difficult it will be worth it. By at last talking about your true self you have let the cat out of the bag & now rather than trying to put it back in I hope you can take more steps forward. Baby steps are good & not beating yourself when you don't is also vital. Tell a special friend. See a therapist. Read some books about coming out. Find a way to meet and socialise with other gay people. Shame and guilt and unworthiness will all try to derail you, but in the end you are still you. You have brought up a family. Amazing. Be proud. You find men attractive. Amazing. Be proud. At the moment especially younger men float your boat. That's fine. Enjoy it. It's because you are gay. You are gay. It's not all you are but it's a vital part of you (as is everyone's sexuality). Now it's your time at last to recognise that & tell the world. Good luck.

 

I could of wrote this, the thing with your wife, and the debt you feel you owe her. It's wrong, sure she supported you, but you're not in debt to her.

I wanted to give my wife a better life by coming out, but your happiness is just as important if not more important.

Message me anytime.

Hugs (&&&)

 

Hi AndyG, welcome to EC.

I’m mid-50s, married, no kids, discovered I’m gay later in life, recurring bouts of severe depression, kicking myself for not realising sooner, and thinking of all the wasted opportunities. When I came out to myself I too was only attracted to younger guys (20's/30's) and couldn’t imagine myself with older guys, of course most of this I think was because of watching porn but over time that has changed and I put that down to 2 things.

Firstly: I had taken out a subscription to Netflix to watch some sci-fi TV series but I discovered they also have a LGBT selection which contained films (not porn) about younger guys discovering their sexuality and the issues surrounding coming out as kids in high school or when older to their wife. I think I’m vicariously “working through” my missed opportunities by watching the films many times, each repeat viewing seems to help diminish the feeling that I’ve missed out on life.

Of course most of the films are set in modern times where being gay is not such an issue as it was back in the 70s when I was a teenager so I have to realise that what I’m watching is not actually quite the same as the part of my life I missed out on. There are however a few films around, on Netflix and elsewhere, that are set in the time when I should have discovered I’m gay i.e. my teens and early 20s, of course the sad thing is that the films are about the ravages of AIDS in its early years. I have to be honest with you when I tell you that I’ve never cried so much in all my life, and I’m not talking about silent sobbing but full blown wailing and howling (I’ve tears in my eyes now writing this), for you see my best friend turned out to be gay and died from AIDS. Had I realised back then that I was gay I may very well not be typing this today, so in a sad (and guilty that I’ve survived) way when I think of all the missed opportunities, as you no doubt will, I also have to remind myself that I’m very fortunate to have realised I’m gay later in life.

In fact whilst talking of Netflix I did see one film (rated 15) about a younger guy falling for an older guy who lived within the Bear Subculture of New York that gave me in interesting view of what gay life is like for those who don’t have the body of a porn star.

Secondly: For the last 3 months I’ve been going each week to a gay support group for those coming to terms with their sexuality or just learning gay social skills of usually around 30 guys of varying ages from early 20s to 65+, but mostly at the younger end of the range. We sit around and share our experiences helping each other out with advice in a non-sexualised environment which I’ve found a tremendous help in becoming to feel normal. One of the most liberating things has been just to be able to openly pick up a gay magazine (not porn) and thumb through its pages looking at all the cute guys and commenting on them with others whilst in a room full of men; I feel guilty looking at such a publication alone in my own home!

Being surrounded by guys of all ages in the support group, in fact the group is run by guys older than me, has helped normalise my view of who I’m attracted to and would want to jump into bed with. Whilst I have no trouble chatting with younger guys I find myself less and less wanting to have sex with them.

As it happens the support group also has perhaps 10 members who are Asylum seekers who have come to the UK because they would have been jailed or killed in their home country for being gay. Meeting these guys makes me feel very very fortunate to live where I in a society where people are free to be gay, have legal rights, and can get married.

After each support group meeting, that’s held incidentally in Manchester’s gay village, many of us go for a drink in one of the many gay bars, but one that doesn’t have loud music or go-go dancers so that you can actually have a conversation with someone. I’ve now become so at ease in this bar surrounded by other LGBT folk that the sight of 2 guys snuggling up to each other and kissing on the sofa or the transvestites chatting over a glass or wine seems perfectly normal. As the evening comes to an end we all hug and go our separate ways, and quite frankly I don’t give a shit if anyone sees me walking out of a gay bar and walking confidently, head held high, through the gay village.

3 Months ago I was practically a blur running through the gay village keeping to the shadows hoping no one would recognise me, but now I don’t give a dam. I didn’t even care when I unwittingly walked into the filming of a new gay drama set in the village, and if I appear in the broadcast TV show and anybody recognises me in the background so what.

Hope this has given you some thoughts, and hope, as you work your way through this awakening of your real self.

SGG

P.S. I should mention that Netflix has a facility on its website in the account management section to selectively delete films from your viewed list so other family members can’t see what you’ve watched and Netflix won’t make recommendations based on deleted views.

P.P.S I love the idea of a gay hugs test facility. It could have a selection of guys all ages ranging from twinks to bears and everything in between so you could get an idea of who you might feel comfortable with.

 

Yup, the 70's were a different time.

Matter of fact I only find the 20 somethings in liberal Massachusetts are "cool" with sexuality either LGBT or steaght.

Anybody over that age usually went through something and carries residuals whether aware or not.

 

Sort of a gay shopping mall? Where you shop until you (don't) flop? :lol:

I want a store in it where I can sell Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra as "job performance aids", as well as Testosterone patches to keep the demand for the other products going strong. :eusa_danc

 

I remember my mother telling me something many years ago - that she didn't think a man could be interesting until he was at least 50. As I approached (and then shot past!) that age, I finally understood what she was saying. Appeal-in-general - and even sexiness itself - doesn't seem to depend on absence of wrinkles, presence of hair of a specific color, or BMI below a Certain Dreaded Number. Between us, my new husband and I are 130 years old. Nonetheless, there are times - frequent times - when I look in his eyes and see someone much younger. A certain boyishness peeks through, and I'd like to think he sees the same in me every so often. I'm not talking about the (to me, anyway) pathetic sight of someone well into middle age trying to dress and behave exactly like someone decades younger. It's much more nuanced than that, and much more authentic.

Having said that, I still cast admiring glances at some of the folks much younger than me and so does my husband. (Thanks to our overlapping-but-different orientations, when a young hetero couple jogs by he looks at the guy and I look at the girl!) But then we return to sharing admiring glances with each other. And from time to time we do more than just look :icon_bigg