Over the last few weeks I have been really struggling with everything. I had a very strong feeling that i was blocking myself. Then over the last few days i have really felt a weight off my shoulders and have felt that it would be alright if I am gay. I went to my counsellor today and said that I am going to explore with a man. When i came home this evening, i decided to watch some gay porn. This was a revelation. Everything worked as it should. I feel like a block has been lifted and the floodgates have opened. I have never felt as sure that i am gay as i do this evening. And i also feel my sexuality and my sex drive like i haven't before. I feel a bit shocked but also excited. It's amazing how a boring old Monday evening can be suddenly transformed.
I had watched gay porn before. I had never allowed myself to fully enjoy it (it seems). It was like a switch went off in my head and things just opened up.
This is similar to my own experience. I had sex with a few guys before accepting calling myself gay, but the moment I did, there was definitely a very different quality to the experience, as if the emotional floodgates were opened, which seems to have brought the experience to a whole new level.
It's brought a certain clarity that i had been sorely looking for. It has given me some solid footing and confidence that i am moving in the right direction. And that this will be a very enjoyable process. The single biggest thing that I have done to help me accept myself is that I started to talk to some gay acquaintances about what was going on. Hanging out with self assured happy gay folk dispelled a lot of the preconceptions, fears and prejudice that I was carrying with me.
Re your preconceptions, I totally get that. I used to be involved in the theatre for many years both onstage and offstage and knew many gay guys but they were all the ultra-flamboyant stereotypical types. Although I knew there was something different about me it never occurred to me that I was gay because I didn’t act like the only gay guys I knew and wasn’t attracted to them in any way. For me the thing that started changing my self-identification and realisation that I was gay is when a gay couple moved to the house next door, they are both “Straight Acting”, terrible term but you know what I mean, and not in any way stereotypical. As I’ve become more aware of gay culture I now realise that that over 80% of gay guys are not the stereotypical gay guy you see on the TV, were just like the majority of straight guys. It’s an excellent idea to hang out with other gay guys just to see how normal are. I’ve recently started going to a gay support group hanging out with other gay guys and in the space of 3 months have lost much of the shame I felt in being gay and it’s helped me tremendously. Check out the second half of the following post. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/157742-sick-tired.html#post2362839 SGG
Perplexed1979 I so wish I had your clarity right now. I'm so happy for you in coming to that "a ha" moment in your life.
