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Going Against Type

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tallu, Nov 10, 2014.

  1. Tallu

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    Have any of you ever fallen in love with someone completely opposite the type you usually go for? What if you had someone you know adores you but they just aren’t your type? Is it self-defeating to turn that person away, or worse still to venture there when you are completely unsure of the possibility of an attraction or real relationship?

    Here is my reality. Today I was taken to a late birthday lunch by a really spectacular person I’ve known a couple years. Her daughter is an actress I’ve directed on stage and basically watched grow from teenager to a great talent. I used to see her mom at shows and knew her purely from physical resemblance, as she had the same striking dark eyes and Native American features. Her mom always came to shows in a suit and slicked back hair, very K.D. Lang. One day we got to talking on Facebook and found out we are only a month apart in age. This was two years ago. Learning of my love for a certain musician she asked if I wanted to take a trip to Chicago for our upcoming 49th birthdays, and she bought great floor level seats. We went, had a good time, but the whole trip I worried I was leading her on. When she got a little tipsy and told me she had told her daughter she wished I wasn’t straight, I gave her my usual spiel that I wasn’t looking for a relationship (which I wasn’t then, and am still not sure with my schedule I can be any kind of companion to anyone.) She handled my answer fine but I felt like the great shit-ass of humankind. I was relieved to get home and back in my shell (and the make-believe life I created with Eve, my online writing friend I eventually fell in crush with, only to get rejected – hah, ain’t that some Karma?)

    Fast forward two years and I’ve stayed in contact with “K.D.” but always held back a little for a few reasons. Number one is the impossible schedule, second my questioning this new questioning of my sexuality (the last thing I want to do is back out and break someone’s heart) and finally…when I think of myself with a woman it is one that is very femme. K.D. is not. She works in a jail, rocks as a mechanic, and is just generally rough around the edges. Hell except for my Teddy Bear of an Ex Husband I almost always chose very slight, short men, not effeminate but certainly not butch (think pale, poetic Ben Whishaw types, lol.) In a sense, K.D. is more masculine than the guys I go for usually.

    But still…as I looked across the table at this generous, kind soul that also longs for adventure and perhaps romance…I thought, “Geesh, Tallu, you are an idiot. You’ve been pining over some internet chick that didn’t even want to text with you. What the hell is your problem?” There would be no conflict in K.D.’s world. Her daughter has known she is gay for years now, so there isn’t the scandalous element. And she comes complete with an open, eager heart.

    Then I start to worry that if there ever is an attraction on my part….if I can shirk off my idea of a “type,” what if I just can’t deal with the differences, or better yet, the transition of a relationship with a woman? That would make me the Queen of Greater Assholia, and I just can’t be that.

    So tell me, dear friends. Have you ever ventured outside your comfort zone? How did it turn out?
     
  2. bi2me

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    I can't say that I've got enough experience to tell you what to do, but...

    I think if you enter the conversation completely honest with her, I'd say go for it! It sounds like she is interested in you, and you've been looking for something different and new and female, and she's kind of falling into your lap (maybe literally :slight_smile: )...
     
  3. MissMiri

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    i have and it turned out ok i guess
     
  4. Lexington

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    The way I look at is this. The guys I'm attracted to do tend to fall into certain "types". They look like this or that, or they act like this or that. But I try to take everybody as an unknown potential. As in "maybe something will happen, and maybe it won't." And I don't consider that "leading them on" if I'm up front about it. "I don't know how I feel about you yet. I'm willing to hang out on a platonic level for a while, to see if something develops." And if nothing does after a while, I feel comfortable saying "I gave it a go, but I'm afraid I'm just not feeling any sparks here." And as it ends up, I did end up falling in love with somebody who WASN'T in one of my "types". And I think it's because I gave myself that opportunity to do so.

    It sounds like you've given this woman a chance. You hung out with her several times. And it doesn't sound like there's any real "response". Given that, I don't see why you can't just tell her that. "I'm flattered by the attention, and I did hope something with happen with me where I'd be able to return it, but I'm afraid that looks like it's just not going to happen." But if you feel like you'd like to platonically-date her a couple more times, I'd say that's totally fine, too.

    Lex
     
  5. waterfall

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    Hmmm this is a really good question. I am really only attracted to very androgynous women but I'm not sure that if I enjoyed being with someone that was more feminine and they had a beautiful soul, that I couldn't be attracted to them? I would hate to see you break her heart but if she is interested in feminine women, she must have had straight girl crushes before? I think I would be very up front and open from the start. If the question of becoming more than friends is on the table I would tell her exactly what you told us…..that you aren't sure yet about how you feel about an intimate relationship with a woman. If she really cares about you, she will want you to be perfectly comfortable before entering into anything on that next level.

    The other thing that comes to mind is that you are even considering becoming involved with a second woman….a sign of your sexuality? Maybe?
    Life and love never come with a guarantee. Give it a chance, just proceed with caution and see where it ends up.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    I'm with Lexington on this one, and also because I am pretty much going through the same thing at present. I really don't have a "type", I am agnostic on that front, which I think is part of the advantage of coming out so late, I have no idea who is "right" or "wrong" for me. I have no starting hypothesis, and I religiously avoid one.

    One aspect of it that is striking is that you and I are both afraid of leading people on (and being the King and Queen of Greater Assholia), but the fact is, dating does require a certain amount of time, it's an experiment, a trial run, etc. There is a risk of misunderstanding on the other person's part, but that is part of the game.

    In that respect, because it is so tentative and provisional, where you are exploring both who she is and who you are with her, the ground rules need to be spelled out from the beginning. I am very clear with whomever I am "seeing" that this is dating, which means that I will not stake my entire self-worth on whether this works out, or not. I try to make it clear that I expect that same attitude from the other person as well, with varying degrees of success.

    I still hate the "we had some really nice times together, but I don't see us continuing" talk, but that is also part of the game. If one is kind of "tefloned" by a certain cautionary distance, this is not too hard to take if one is on the receiving end of it...so, you pick yourself up, shake off the dust, and on to the next!
     
  7. Choirboy

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    My straight dating experience was minimal and awkward, and my gay dating experience consisted of mutual crushing/stalking on EC, followed by a meeting in person that convinced us both that we'd found the perfect person for ourselves. Yeah, grab the pitchforks, boil up the tar and start plucking the feathers, because no one should have it that easy!

    But that being said, I do have something of a type that I tend to be attracted to, which he really doesn't fit into all that closely. I also knew that it would take someone with a very similar outlook on life and set of interests and values to make me at all interested in them, and I was a little concerned about how to reconcile the two--how do you get to know someone well enough to have that kind of insight into their brains, without having some physical type that attracts you in the first place? In hindsight, an anonymous forum was really the ideal place for that, and it made looks and "type" completely irrelevant. (Not that he isn't damn cute--let me just say that right away. Because he is! Just not quite the standard type that would turn my head if I was going ONLY on looks.) And by the time we actually met in person, I would have been crazy for him whether he looked like Cary Grant or Divine. (Although thankfully God didn't call my bluff on the Divine part.) I'd venture to say that while "type" may turn your head and initiate something, in the end, it's the person inside, and how you click, that will make or break the relationship.
     
  8. P25

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    Waterfall I think u have the perfect advice. You won't ever know unless you take a chance. Love is love. Maybe ur type has evolved like ur sexuality...something you never thought you would be interested in now has become the enticing new flavor to try. Why not I say. We shouldn't worry about types and adhering to them, love can be found in different places. Obviously you have a connection with her and still have stayed connected for this long for a reason. As long as u are open and up front and honest about where ur at and where you may or may not see this going why not test the waters. I can't help but feel excited for you :slight_smile:
     
  9. katiexxx

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    I think its an interesting question. I've had people fall for me who are perfect. Perfect on paper, trustworthy, kind, beautiful inside & out & would be the perfect partner. I've dated them & then hurt them, because no matter how often I tell myself i'm lucky to have them & crazy to have doubts, I always end up leaving for the people who are just a little bit different & usually more complicated, but yet I'm so madly attracted to. Don't force yourself to do when you think you should rather than what you want!
     
  10. waterfall

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    Good point katiexxx!
     
  11. stella99

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    For me it's the person inside that attracts me. I dont even know if I have a 'type' yet but I like to think I am attracted to the person. Someone looking at you and smiling with their eyes makes someone attractive to me.

    I say go and be open to having a friend at least and see what happens. But yes, be honest too.
     
  12. Tallu

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    Katie, that's what I'm afraid of. There are aspects I can't get past that would turn me off in either gender. Not horrible things at all, but just not what floats my boat. And it's not really something I can experiment with because I flat out know she is attracted to me. She would dote upon me if I didn't keep things at arm's length. I would not hurt this person for the world. I adore her and her daughter very much.

    Thank you all for answering. I've not been able to respond to each because of work, but I do appreciate your opinions sooooo much. I keep falling back on my traditional (and outmoded) idea of gender roles, or I suppose it is a similar dynamic in same sex relationships. K.D. and I are both nurturer types, though she would love to see me as someone to baby. Though that would certainly be nice I gravitate towards babying people, too, so I see myself with someone softer and more...well, not dependent, that's the wrong word...ugh it's hard to explain. I'm just prone to like softer types, men and women.

    Why can't everything we are looking for come in one package?

    ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2014 at 04:40 PM ----------

    Stella we are definitely friends and have a blast together, but every time we spend a lot of time together I start to get that vibe. Then I get the guilts. Sigh.
     
  13. HTBO

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    I have fallen for someone who is not my type. We had talked for about a month before I ever knew what she looked like, and I don't think it would have mattered how she looked because I already knew I liked her. She turned out not to be my type, however, she is the most beautiful person inside and out and had I seen her before talking to her, I probably wouldn't have ever been open to any possibility. We are still in the 'friend' phase, but I am beyond that at this point. Whatever happens between us, I learned a very valuable lesson, and that's to be open to everyone because by restricting yourself to a certain 'type', you could miss out on someone amazing.
    And I would be honest about your uncertainty. My friend has been honest from the beginning (we were both looking for friends only), and it takes her a long time to get close to someone and even when she does she's emotionally distant. I know this, and I know that even though I was only looking for friendship and ended up feeling so much more, that there is the possibility it will never go beyond what we have now. Had she not been honest from the beginning, it would be much harder but because she was, even though I care a lot about her, I can also hold back a little as a precaution.