what a fine mess I've made

SO, after 21 years of marriage, and 23 being together, this past Wed. I separated from my wife. The plan has been in the makings since July/August. We have a 14 year old adopted son.

So some background:
Since I was 11/12 I've been interested in both boys and girls. My friends and I "experimented" jerking each other off, watching each other. Then that summer, we moved 2 towns over, and I turned 13. Ever since then I've never really pursued it. Didn't have zoloft, and social media to provide courage and means to find opportunity.

18 I have my first girlfriend, my first sexual experiences with a woman. And my heart breaking after she has me drop her off at her future fiances house, and splits from her parents house. Talk about wrecking what little self-confidence I had.

I dated some women, but never really found "THE ONE" The one that made feel like my heart wasn't broke.

Before I started dating my future wife, I was planning a vacation down to a singles resort in Jamaica, where I wanted to do anything and everything. Didn't end up going on that trip. Started dating, and that December we both lost our jobs. We lived together for a couple of years before marrying. Never really considered guys my "thing" other than being attracted to some men. Before I was married, I had a guy jerk me off NSA. That was fun and exciting, but not fulfilling.

More current:
So, June I have a mental breakdown, and realize I hate my life as it was. Slowly, start working on issues with my therapist. July, I turn 50, more soul searching. August, Robin Williams commits suicide, I come to grips with being clinically depressed. I'm pretty sure at that point, I can't stay married. Still, try to work through things with the therapist.

Middle September, I was reading some news about a male teacher and male student hooking up through ******. Decide to take a look at it. Hookup with this hot 18yo black guy and trade my first oral with him. Amazing, easy, natural. I wanted to confirm the feelings I'd had, and still have.

So, beginning of October, I hire a cute 18 yo kid off ****** to get my spare crap inventoried and online for sale. He's not interested in a relationship, neither was I. Told him I liked him, thought he was cute and adorable, but didn't need the headache of cheating on my wife. And he basically said, he didn't want to be anyone's mistress.

We bond over work, smoking pot, diet cokes, and McD's. He tells me his life stories, I start digging into mine. I share the dirty nitty gritty of my life, pour my heart and soul out. Quickly feels like he's been a best friend of mine for years. He's working on what I need him to, we're having fun, he's a trip to be around sometimes. I feel like I'm in college again. I feel stronger, freer, and more complete. I don't know if that's having found a real connection after so long, my meds kicking in, or just finally some spark in me that lit me up.

We call each other "bae" sometimes, hold hands in the car, hug a little. He's a sweetheart of a kid. One day he slipped me a kiss with a little tongue, totally surprised me. Turns out he was getting used to a new med, and it made him a little lose with his lips. I didn't turn away, and even asked for a kiss later. He says it was no big thing.

So, I've been distant and closed in my marriage for some time, years. She's never felt like my best friend, I never confide in her, keep things to my self. Well, my behavior was swinging away from normal, texting, spending more time alone, secretive. In 2 weeks she confronts me 3 times about what I'm doing, why I'm not including her, etc... Deny, deny, deny. I've never been strong enough to confront anyone when it comes to emotions. I wanted more time. I wanted more therapy to help me with all these feelings and thoughts.

So, week 5 of his employment. Saturday wife and I have a late Halloween Party, to which exactly zero of my friends make it to. Get totally hammered, stoned, and tripping on 3X my meds. I know I can't keep going like this. Deceiving my wife, living a lie, not being committed to our marriage anymore. Had a short funny drunken stoned conversation late that night with my friend.

Sunday, hungover, ignored everything all day. Until, my bae called, he and his mom needed a hotel room to stay overnight, near a relatives wake/funeral. No problem, nothing an online reservation doesn't solve.

Monday, worked all day. Texted with him throughout the day, just chit chat. So around 7:30-8:00 that night, he texts me with more urgency than normal. "Something I can't talk about over text. Life changing. Well for me." instant pit in my stomach.

So, I have some anxious moments while I wait for him to call. He calls, been kicked out of his parents house by his step-mom, after she picks a fight with him, and calls him a faggot. He is at a friends house and is OK for the moment, but doesn't know what he'll do. I tell him, he still has a job, and to make his way down when he can the next day.

My role between my wife and my son seems to be hand grenade. They get into shouting matches, and I end it by extreme measures. 2 weeks prior I had pushed my son into a wall, and then took him down to the floor with a controlled take down. I split after that to get some distance. I nearly went to a hotel that night. I also thought I was going to loose all connection with my bae because he was in an abusive relationship, and here I was using violence against someone. So, entire time I'm driving, I'm thinking that's it, nothing to live for anymore. My bae really helped talk me down that night.

I know I controlled myself physically that night as best I could. But there were seconds of blind rage where I didn't know if I could control myself. Turns out during our scuffling he had elbowed me in the face near my eye. Didn't even realize it happened until after I came down.

Tuesday, I have therapy and pour my heart completely out to my therapist. Whole past, my bi-ness, my anger, my fears. How I fear that I'm going to physically hurt my son or wife one of these days, when they get into another bad argument.

My bae Ubers down to my house, and we work most of the rest of the day. I rent him a room at a nearby hotel. I take him apartment shopping. I've already been looking online for houses and apartments for rent. I've already been planing a separation. I had plans, he had plans that didn't include me. He was getting his life together, becoming a responsible young man at work. Helping me deal with the stress by listening. He was going to continue working and move out of his parents house sometime next year. I had said to him, that would be cool, we could even be roommates.

Wednesday, my bae has a minor breakdown during the night. First night he's ever been alone, and alone in a hotel room. Also off his meds. I pick him up the next morning, open a bank account for myself (first in 21 years,) get a cashiers check for a security deposit, and sign up for a 3 bedroom apartment. Got 2 rooms at another hotel, closer to his home, friends, and shopping.

That night I tell my wife that I'm leaving her, but hardly make any sense as to why. Didn't tell her about my bae, or getting him a hotel room. But, I was tired of all the deceit, and lies.

So, I've been thinking about the whole mess since then. My bae and I are keeping things platonic, and frankly we've seen less of other than before. I'm respecting his space, and privacy. We are both trying to figure things out.

So, now, here I am, my bae is living next door, soon to be a roommate. We both know I need to be divorced to move on, whether it's him or not.

I'm stuck on how to explain all this to my wife, and tell her I'm not committed to the marriage anymore. I was really hoping for more solid time with my therapist before making this move.

 

yeah, it's a lot to process. I go back to therapist this Thursday. My wife will be joining me. I no longer want to be married to her. I don't feel in love with her anymore. I don't know how to tell her all this. It's going to destroy her, and I hate that.

I've been disconnected from who I want to be for most of my life. My bi-sexuality hasn't been an issue that ever came up. I don't even know if I should bring it up to her, or how. That's what therapy is for I guess.

As far as our son, I've been making every effort to stay digitally connected while things are in flux. I've even set an alarm on my phone so I can make sure to call or txt him every day. Took him out to dinner on Friday, and plan on taking him to a movie Saturday. He's not happy right now, and misses me. I'm not going to stop being his dad. I wouldn't be finding an apartment in the same school district, where he'll be able to interact with kids his own age.

If I were the type of guy, I could have just drained $100K out of our investment account and taken off with my bae to anywhere. Neither of us are like that though. We are platonic friends, no benefits, just a good connection. I care about him because of the connection, not any thought of a possible, future relationship.

I give straight from my heart with no strings attached. He's not the first stray I've helped in my life. He wont be the last.

Thanks for the empathy...

Bi2Me - The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep...
and miles to go before I sleep... great movie.

 

Thanks, that is very sweet of you. I've always tried to do right by everyone around me. I've always tried to help those around me. I give because that's who I am.

I've spent a lot of my life in fear of so many things. Wearing a daily mask to hide what is inside me. Therapy and meds, mans best friend... I keep joking, if I had zoloft and the internet when I was 13, I probably wouldn't be this messed up now. I also would have been an equal opportunity slut... I was so horny back then. Of course, then AIDs hit when I was in college... I was barely able to date women, and I never thought to approach any guys.

Anyway, I survive. Sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other. Lately, I've been learning, you have to let go of your fears if you want to move on. I told my therapist in June or July, that I was going to be throwing my life into a wood chipper, and seeing what pieces I still wanted have. All my material stuff, could care less about. Projects I've never gotten to, things I never get to enjoy. My son, one of the most important things in my life.

 

Thanks Jax. Great quote by Thoreau. I actually feel complete now. I don't know if it's my bae that makes me feel that way, or if it's just me healing myself. Over the last month, I've gained confidence, courage, and drive.

Maybe it's just because I'm active now in deciding how I want to live my life now. I've always been rudderless, adrift, willing to just go with the flow and ride the river of life where it took me.

I married for the wrong reasons. She wasn't my best friend, or the love of my life. She pursued me. I asked her to marry when we were both unemployed and vulnerable. I mostly was afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. All the wrong reasons.

I'm a different man now, still discovering who I am.