Hi everyone! Firstly, I'm so glad I found these forums, so thank you for being here. Secondly, ok, my 'story' (and I shall try my best to make this the 'reader's digest' version LOL, and my apologies in advance for poor grammar, ugh.. I try.. but spell check only gets one so far hahaha): Well I'm 37 for starters, and I have been married to a man for 14 years. We are now separated, I won't go into great detail on that because that's not why I am here, but for reference we decided to split up January of this year (2014), and it wasn't because of me questioning my sexuality (he was mentally abusing me, and he cheated on me, stole from me, and I had more or less lost my usefulness to him, in a nutshell). Turning back the clock to my youth, I was always a tomboy, I grew up in the early-mid 1980's and would have rather played with He-Man and She-Ra toys than Barbies, I didn't care for 'girly' things (dresses, lacy things, pink things). In high school I was all about computers, nintendo, and the predecessor of the internet: the local dial-up BBS (even ran one of my own). I did find women pretty and attractive, but I dated boys because "That's what you are supposed to do..." and growing up in a farm-town in central IL in the 80's and 90's there were just not any local 'gay meccas' or any support of any kind. So I disregarded all of my feelings, and continued on doing what one is 'supposed' to do. In the late 90's, when I wasn't dating anyone at the time, I had made a dating profile on yahoo personals women seeking women, and that was really the first time I had ever given being a lesbian (or bisexual?) any thought. Exposure to the internet kind of brought the world to your living room, and that meant finding more support and diversity. Shortly after that I met my future husband, once again disregarding my feelings because.. well.. that's what you're 'supposed' to do... Fast forward til now. Well, now that I am older and wiser and more experienced, as far as my knowledge of the world and my co-inhabitants of said-world, I know there is a lot more out there than just this small town and small minded folks within it (even found that there is a small gay community here, and not far from here, but I'm not at liberty to travel too far since my 'husband' left me with nearly nothing, including a car.. I am working to better myself, and we have a 12 year old son I am currently raising with little help from the STBX, and I'm not as much of a train-wreck as I was when all this first went down. I'm doing my best and getting things done!!) I am thinking more and more about what *I* want, vs. what the world wants for me (regarding: "what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing.." lol). I have never been with a woman, not even as a fling or a one night stand. I'm a bit of a paladin (think: honor, integrity, truth, loyalty) and I could never even have a one night stand with a guy, either. I'm not a prude, but I prefer an emotional real attachment to a person before physical intimacy. Honestly, it's not that I think sex with a guy is gross, but it's just kind of 'meh'. I know I don't have a personal reference-point to being with a woman, but shows like the L word and Orange is the New Black featuring lesbian relationships, really make me wish I had something like that. That's really my only reference. Movies about hetero relationships are just not as emotionally stirring for me, if that helps describe what I'm trying to say. Also, I think women are much better looking naked than men are. I don't feel a twinge looking at a nude man, but women are just beautiful. The guys I have dated are always the smart nerdy cuddle-sized ones, because I do find that I am romantically attracted to men. As I said I don't have a personal reference point to know for certain if I am romantically attracted to women, but once again the movies and tv shows make me think I could be. Also I am certain I could be physically attracted to a woman (and often fantasized about women when I was intimate with my husband, that may be TMI, but it's relevant), I just don't really care if I ever have sex with a man again. Though I do enjoy having them around, and I'm not a man-hater even after what I went through the past 14 years. hahaha I guess what I am trying to ask/say here is that I think I should explore this other part of me that COULD end up making me really happy. I don't want to 'experiment' because I know that isn't fair to the other person. I'm just not sure how to go about all this. I have signed up on a few different women seeking women dating sites, and of course nobody is close enough or if they are they don't seem compatible with me. I'm just afraid also that nobody would be interested in me since I was married to a man, have a 12 year old son, and I'm still a closet-case (except for a few good friends I have told my thoughts to). I'm not trying to be negative towards myself per se', just trying to be realistic. I know I'm a vibrant, funny, kind hearted, beautiful person, who deserves happiness, and wants to share that happiness with the right person. I just don't know if a first-look in my direction would reveal all that about me and more. I just don't know what to do about it from here. I'm also aware that it's a personal thing, and I totally understand if nobody has any good advice for me. I've been lurking here for a couple weeks now, and I've also been reading tons of lesbian related web-sites (which is how I found my way here), including news and culture, and watching a slew of lesbian-related youtube advice type videos hoping to find a few tidbits of helpfulness. It has indeed helped, but I was hoping to gain some insight here as well.
Hi Hathorsgirl Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you, as this is all new to me as well. However, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful person, and I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you had an unfortunate 14 year marriage to your ex. My husband and I are in the process of separating (at least emotionally and intellectually as he's only just come out and we're still sharing our much loved home). We too were married for 14 years. Good luck, and let me know how you get on.
Hi Hugapug! Firstly, awww! at your avatar picture! hee hee Pugs are adorable. Thank you for your well wishes. I hope I can figure things out as well. Good luck to you also
Hathorsgirl, wow you're going through a lot! It's a lot to split up after 14 years, realize it was an abusive relationship, and finding the courage to leave. But adding the sexuality confusion makes it all much harder I'm sure. It sounds though that you're on the right track to self discovery. Good for you for putting your happiness and well-being at the top of the priority list, and knowing you deserve it! I think that before seeking something, you must know what it is that you're looking for... This is not easy, but very important, and I think you've already started. It takes a lot of self-examination honestly and openly, and I myself have only just begun this journey. My situation is a bit different, I came out as bi not too long ago, and right now wishing to stay in my current relationship with my husband. But I also have never been with a woman. And I don't think it's needed in order to know that you're attracted to women. Like you said, lesbian relations turn you on, and so does the thought of the female body. That's how I realized I was bi: I'm turned on by women, and that's enough. Most straight people I know aren't. The other thing you brought up is your fear of the process of finding someone and of being rejected. I think this is a fear most human beings share, regardless of sexual orientation. I think it's especially true the older we get. Don't be hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done... There are all sorts of ways for meeting people, the internet included. I think the internet allows you to learn about people's personality before actually meeting in person. Some see this as an advantage. And sometimes you meet people in unexpected places, start talking and they see your charm. What I'm trying to say is that you never know how and when it'll happen, but you have to put yourself out there, and believe that it will happen. You already believe in yourself, and that's more than half the battle. And maybe you hear this a lot, but I actually believe it: the right person will come, and you'll recognize that it's right. Keep working on being the best you that you can be, open yourself (energetically) to the world, be confident in who you are. Wishing you all the best in this exciting journey!! Hugs.
I swear you are about as strong as my mom was she had the strength to get out of an abusive relationship (her first marriage) and taking care of a kid all by yourself at your age must be a little hard but I'm glad you are succeeding so well with it. also I love orange is the new black too and I also never dated or done anything with a woman unless you count that one time I was sexually assaulted when I was 4. I just wish you well and hope your ex rots in hell
Hi Hathorsgirl, Welcome! You have come to a great place of support and a place to find a wealth of advice. You will find that there are a lot of us on here that are in similar situations and questioning out sexuality. I am ten years into my marriage to a man, and have two small kids. Our relationship at a point was very toxic and my husband was emotionally and mentally abusive. We have been in marriage counseling for a while now and I am in individual counseling which both have helped a lot. I questioned my sexuality at 14, but didn't know that was what it was back then. I had a very "different" relationship with my best friend that involved only an intense emotional connection. This relationship has lasted for 20 years and was actually part of the reason that my marriage to my husband was suffering. It took me a couple of breakdowns and lots of counseling to figure out that I had been having an emotional affair with my best friend (who was also married and has several kids) and it was something that my husband could clearly see. I was never physically with her in the 20 years but can now admit I wanted to be. I have many of the same feelings you do when it comes to women. Through being on the forums and making some really supportive and amazing friends here I have comfortably accepted that I am bi. It's a whole new world when you admit and accept this of yourself. I have choosen to stay married. My best friend broke things off with me two years ago and we haven't spoken since. I was heart broken but with time am slowly moving on and focusing on my marriage. I have never physically been with a woman before but can say that I am 100% sure that am I attacted to women and would definitely be with them physically. I believe it is an entirely different experience than being with a man. I have only ever been with one man in my lifetime. Kudos for you for leaving the abuse and taking care of your child and for taking the time to take care of you! I am also in Illinois. There are a couple of local website that a LGBT FRIENDLY and have lots of good info. Feel free to contact me if you ever want to chat it helps to talk to someone who is experiencing similar things. Good luck!
Thanks everyone It is good to know I'm not really alone in this. @ YDaisy oh yes, as an introvert I'm constantly 'taking stock' of my feelings and inward retrospection. I'm an INFJ so for me it is a lot easier to see answers for other people, than it is for myself. So I have to do a lot of extra 'homework' (a lot of research and reading, and asking others even because it's hard to find the answers by only just looking at the situation. lol though it's easier to observe others and give them a thoughtful answer). I think in my case I could be bi-romantic, but perhaps more attracted to women than I am to men, and that's after days and days of breaking down thoughts and feelings. I spend too much time in my head lol (curse of the introvert? hahaha). I think as far as the fear of rejection goes, yeah that is a worry. You are right that every one feels this way. I would do well to remember that, too. Sometimes I forget that even the most perfect people often have the thought they aren't good enough. It's easy to forget lol (unless one is a mind-reader, and I don't know anyone who is. lol) I wish you the best on your journey as well we aren't alone and that is good @ MissMiri, I'm so sorry to hear you were assaulted at 4 years old. I hope your abuser rots with my soon to be ex too! Karma always seems to get the jerks in the end, sometimes it doesn't seem soon enough though :/ but surely it will happen. Those kinds of people surely can't be too happy with themselves, and I hope the guilt eats them alive. Raising my kiddo is kind of difficult in some ways because he is hearing impaired, but he's very bright and kind, and a total math-whiz, so he has a lot going for him. I'm glad he's strong enough too, this has been a difficult adjustment so I have to be extra patient with him. He doesn't get to see his dad as often as he would like, and often times my ex will say he is coming to see him, or promises a certain day, and then either doesn't show up, or only shows up for 10 minutes and then leaves. So I know my son is often disappointed. It's rough, but he's stoic, and so am I @ P25, much luck to you, too. It sounds like you have your hands full also. It does take a lot of work to make a marriage work, and if that is what you truly want then I do wish you the best I myself just couldn't take the mental abuse from mine (google Gaslighting mental abuse, and that is pretty much what I was going through. ) I'm hoping to get divorced as soon as possible. I know there is a lawyer group here in Illinois called Land of Lincoln who works with people of the lower income bracket - which would be me, I'm still trying to decide if I can get a job, because my son receives disability because of the hearing impairment, and we are living on that right now. It pays the bills, and I hate to admit I'm on welfare, but when the hubby left, we literally had next to nothing. I was a CNA for 10 years but unless I had a good paying job with decent health insurance benefits, for my son's sake (and all his doctor appointments) it would not be worth getting a part time job, just to have a job. I think most of the money would go to a babysitter, and if I would lose any of the benefits we are getting, we'd be up s*** creek without a paddle lol It would be nice to have a car though, so I didn't have to depend on my mom to take me to the grocery store or whatever. Just can't afford it yet. Maybe in a couple years when my son can stay by himself at home for a few hours it would be alright, but until then I just don't see how I can do that. That's another reason I fear rejection, the 'welfare thing', I'm only on it because I feel I have to be. I'm not one of those people who think the government owes me anything, I just do it so my son can get what he needs. OH yeah I remember the point of all that, here I am, rambling lol sorry about that hahaha The Land of Lincoln lawyers have a few offices around Illinois and will go by income, or do it pro-bono also if a person qualifies for that. I am trying to go through them for the divorce, but I was living in a different county before I moved 'back home', and of course into another region for their offices. So now I have to wait til this region is taking divorce cases. I'd file myself, but I have heard that sometimes when you file yourself, you don't get the alimony and child support. I'm not a gold-digger (wouldn't have married HIM if I was.. hahahaha he can't handle money without blowing it all, then wondering why his power got shut off because he plays before he pays.) but he hasn't given me very much in the way of support (as he promised when he left...not that I believed it, since he had trouble paying the bills when we were together even, which was partially my fault for not taking over the bills. But you're supposed to trust your spouse, right? Well not if they are a douchebag liar that can't pay bills, but can buy hundreds of dollars of star wars memorabilia from Walmart, and then not pay for what is important.. we seriously had to ask his mom to buy toilet paper a few times because I gave him a list of things to buy, and instead he bought junk LOL) so I am hoping to get him to take responsibility, even if that means taking his arse to court to get it. Ugh.. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. If it was just me, and we didn't have a kid together, I'd just say eff-it, chalk it up to bad judgement on my part, and trudge on. lol Anyhoo, thanks all again I appreciate the support, I really do. It truly helps to know I'm not alone. Sorry for the rambling. I don't get out much, so any grown up conversations are awesome lol hahaha I'm celebrating my 38th birthday today, and it's bitterly cold out and snowing, so I'm about to make some cupcakes and either play some world of warcraft, or watch some netflix. I cleaned house yesterday, so I can take the afternoon off! Huzzah! <3
Happy Birthday Hathorsgirl!! Wishing you a wonderful, warm, and cozy day today, and a year full of excitement, understanding, acceptance, courage, and fun adventures! Hugs
