How do you let people know you're gay?

I personally deal with it by being honest and open with my feelings (sometimes too much)...

...also, this: http://i.imgur.com/7yPNwy8.jpg

 

Hi Jax12

I have no practical experience of doing this but I would imagine those who may have a better answer for you might need to know to what extent you want others to know you're gay. Are you looking for some sort of slightly covert sign that only gay guys may pick up on, perhaps a rainbow coloured ring or lapel badge. If you wanted to make it obvious to more people without actually shouting out to all perhaps if you use Facebook you could follow LGBT issues or prominent activists and then word would get round the office perhaps. I’m not clear if you want to restrict who knows you’re gay or if it’s a matter of if anyone asks you just tell them.

Perhaps if you want to advertise yourself to the gay guys at work you could mention that you had seen some LGBT related music video on YouTube e.g. “J. Pee – I’m not Gay” or “Eli Lieb – Young Love” or Steve Grand as a conversation starter. Also on YouTube the sex columnist Dan Savage tells some hilarious anecdotes at a show called Bawdy Storytelling, the one involving birthday cakes cracks me up every time. I’m guessing either of these approaches lets you tell them you’re gay or at least gay friendly without you having to say the words ” I’m Gay” (if that was the stumbeling block). Another approach may be to just ask them if they know of any gay support groups in the area since you’re questioning.

SGG

 

You could do something subtle like wearing a rainbow bracelet. There are some very nice ones available that aren't flashy but definitely make a statement. My boyfriend and I have both gotten some definite looks of recognition at work while wearing them.

I'll also admit I'm a lot more overt than I used to be about scoping out cute guys. If sends a pretty clear sign to another gay guy if he sees you eyeing up a nice specimen!

And finally, you can also drop subtle hints. When the co-workers talk about girls, you can laugh and make some flip comment like "I'm immune. What about the guys?" All right, that's not exactly subtle! But it's a lot easier to just be open rather than hope that coded phrases and such make a difference to the right people. We don't need to rely on colored hankies hanging out of our pockets anymore. The co-workers that talk about girls may very well have gay brothers or cousins or friends, so as long as you're reasonably sure you won't be completely shunned (or worse), you can just be open and say you're gay. And then resume the standard conversations. It doesn't really take much.

 

Having been on a gay/bi social site for a month and a 1/2 now, I can tell you that there is a broad spectrum out there of people. Professionals, artists, old, young, fit, out of shape, nice dressing, punks, family looking men.

Just be yourself in your everyday world. Dress how you dress, act how you act. If anyone asks, yeah, I'm gay, mostly gay, whatever fits you.

You don't have to change who you are on the outside if it matches who you are on the inside, and you aren't trying to hide anything.

I've been experimenting with flirting with guys, for about a month now. I do the same thing I've done for women. Look them in the eye, smile, and say something nice about them. Or, like one attractive guy I just kept checking him out in a restaurant. He noticed me, and I could tell he was checking me out every once in a while. We had a brief interaction (look of the eyes) while we were both walking out, and it was gratifying.

Just the other day I was shopping, there was a young guy, cute put possibly to young (he looked in the range of 16-20.) So I wasn't trying to pick him up, just being playful. He was trying on a hoodie or something, I just said, hey, that looks nice on you. He just sort of mumbled something and got red in the face a little. Later on, I saw him again, I made some comments on the kids stuffed toy he was carrying, like "aren't you a little young for that." Again, same response, an embarrassed smile. I went farther, mostly because I didn't want to give him a complex, by saying, don't worry about it, I've got a co-worker that's 26 that still collects and plays "magic the gathering" and those types of games. He was embarrassed, and blushing, but he finally made eye contact, and had a sweet smile for me. I went on my merry way from there.

With anyone you are interested in, you sometimes have to throw caution to the wind, and just jump. I know it's scary hard when it's been me.

 

Whether you come out at work or not is your decision, I personally think it's none of their business, but we also don't talk about girls around here (I'm surrounded by mostly middle-aged guys who are all married) so it isn't a problem.

There is something that should be mentioned and I believe it does apply to me. Since coming out, I haven't become flamboyant, per se, but I do believe other things have come out somewhat involuntarily, i.e. I catch myself at times noticing subtle changes in the way I sit, or walk, or even talk. I can't describe it clearly but it feels different. This is common: newly out people suddenly don't feel the need to hide who they are, and it tends to show (not always, of course) in physical ways. In other words, it is the removal of certain repressions and inhibitions that had over time become second nature.

Just goes to show just how much coming-out means letting go of the chains arising from our own repressive self-concepts.

 

"Just goes to show just how much coming-out means letting go of the chains arising from our own repressive self-concepts." ACKKK!!!, the truth, it burns, it burns....

Yes, when you are relieved of the weight of your mental mask it will effect your physical behavior, at least from the stand point of one less stress, often major stressor I assume.

I have noticed something like that just since acceptance of the possible end of my current 21 year marriage (back in August-ish)

Oh, a different topic. About the only physical change in appearance I've had since coming out to anyone, would be a slightly nicer hair cut. Otherwise, I'm pretty much the same guy I was 5 years ago.

 

There are a thousand and one ways to tell people you're gay, and no, you don't have to "camp it up". It's unbelievably easy to do. The easiest way is in simple conversation. "I've been thinking about starting to date, but I have no idea how to find a good guy in this day and age." There - done.

Lex

 

I brought it up to someone at work, who I was certain was straight but 'gay friendly', by way of asking how to answer another co-worker when she asked if I was dating any nice men. (They all know I'm separated and near finalizing a divorce.) So I just said, "The fact of the matter is that I'm dating women - and I'm not sure how she would react to that."

You could try something like that with the flamboyant boys - if it's them you're trying to inform.

The twist in the plot-line of my story came when the person I was 'coming out to' came out right back at me, telling me all the signs throughout her life that were now making her think she was gay. I was so surprised - she's older than me and never been married!

 

Jax thanks for your post. It really hit home when you said "my friends don't think I'm gay at all because I never gave off that vibe". Kind of in the same boat here. For me it's that I'm still married to a woman so they assume... so much for assumptions.

Take care and I'm glad that you're here at EC.

 

Approach the gay guy you think is "pretty cute" and ask him if he would like to go out with you. I think he would figure it out without you having to say "I'm gay"; whether he wants to date or not, he will probably pass the word on to his gay friends at the office.

 

There is something that should be mentioned and I believe it does apply to me. Since coming out, I haven't become flamboyant, per se, but I do believe other things have come out somewhat involuntarily, i.e. I catch myself at times noticing subtle changes in the way I sit, or walk, or even talk. I can't describe it clearly but it feels different. This is common: newly out people suddenly don't feel the need to hide who they are, and it tends to show (not always, of course) in physical ways. In other words, it is the removal of certain repressions and inhibitions that had over time become second nature.

OMG, I know this exact feeling! Even though I am not officially out, I travel to San Francisco for work quite often and go to the Castro much as I can. To me its like a breath of fresh air, a place where I can be openly gay with no worries. And I do find myself acting a bit different or maybe its just that I feel less inhibited about my actions - hard to put into words. I am not flamboyant but I certainly feel more gay - if thats possible!

 

Oh, I totally get this! I caught a glimpse of myself reflected in a shop window one evening when I was walking, and chuckled to myself, because I thought "Wow, you walk like a gay guy!" I move in a very different way, not so much "gay" as comfortable with myself, which has been a long time coming. And I've definitely taken to wearing clothing that's far less conservative, although I wouldn't call it flamboyant by any means. But the magenta shirt and bow tie I wore to work yesterday are a far cry from shapeless black mock turtlenecks I used to wear. (And I have no idea why I felt the need to trade the tightie whities in for bright underwear in assorted styles, and the only one it "looks gay" to is my boyfriend, but I like it!)

 

I'm a relatively androgynous looking girl when not wearing makeup, and I've got short hair, which I think has caused a few people to be a bit suspicious of my sexuality. I am 'out' but a lot of people like, missed the memo? So if it comes up in a conversation I often just casually throw in that I'm gay, or that I'm not really into dudes. Sometimes I just throw it in there, like some friends will be talking about Taylor Swift or something and I'll say something like "I'm not that bothered about her music but I think she's really hot." This always gets a few raised eyebrows because I never really express my attraction to anyone, male or female!
So yeah it's up to you who you choose to come out to but I think the best way is to just drop it in quite casually and not make it seem like a big deal, because I've noticed that (accepting) people are less likely to treat it as a big deal/something to be tiptoed around if you do that.

 

Hi Jax,

to my knowledge, most gay / bi guys don't act flamboyantly. There's nothing wrong with being flamboyant, of course, just that, it's not really the main indicator, afaik. In my case, well the way I used to sort of rapidly 'scan' a woman's face, not just looking at her eyes but also noticing her lips, the beauty of proportion, etc, well I now do this with many guys, as well...and I've also noticed that the way that guys look at one another seems to say a lot in this regard, because I've also been 'looked at' in this 'different' kind of way as well (since I started paying such close attention...) Before I 'came out to myself' earlier this year, I didn't look at guys in that way (afaik lol), allowing my eyes to sort of speedily roam across all the features I find appealing about them...Of course it all happens so quickly that it's not clearly visible to the other person, and maybe the eyes do not even move as such, but rather 'peripheral vision' is involved, but I do think that we look at people we are attracted to differently. Plus, when I get the 'vibe' and sense that, due to the other guy being either possibly gay / bi, or even just gentle in nature and thus not a danger (in case I get it totally wrong), I find myself being more playful and even flirty nowadays...just a few little things I've noticed about both myself, and a few other guys who have deliciously set off my 'gaydar' over this very interesting year.

 

yeah, those assumptions are pretty funny. I am also married, and so it seems like people tend to ignore a lot of pretty obvious signs that I'm sure they would pick up on if they didn't see me through their preconceived goggles. I didn't marry a woman as a beard, but because I was confused about my identity for years. I think that I have good gaydar, but maybe it's just wishful thinking. I'm always looking for signs that someone might be gay to try to make a connection. and I'm not only talking about hooking up, but trying to make friends, especially friends in the same situation as I am.
But to the thread's question about how to let people know you're gay, wow, I really struggle with that, I mean I am REALLY struggling with that, and this thread has been good reading for me! And it makes me think that it is different for every situation. For work, generally, it's nobody's business. People don't talk about being straight, and even if I were fully out I think it would only be an issue in certain situations, like if there is a party and people are invited to bring along wives and girlfriends, well that might make it come up. But just to go in the office and let everyone know, that doesn't fit in with places i've worked at. Family is a lot harder. Frankly, I don't know how to do that. So far, I mean I am in the extremely early baby steps, I have only come out in situations where I knew that discretion is pretty much guaranteed. At first, I talked around it, like saying that I have been struggling with same sex attraction all my life, or some bullshit like that. It wasn't bullshit when I was saying it, but now if I'm with someone I really really really really really trust, I will just come out and say I'm gay. that is a huge huge step, even though I am still limiting that to very trusted people. However, if you want to just push the button and tell the world, I found something on the internet where you can click and it will go on your facebook timeline and get sent out to all your facebook contacts all at once telling them that you're gay. talk about changing your entire life in the push of the button. omg, I even thought about it, how insane. but considering that I'm still mostly in the closet and hating it, maybe it's not such a bad idea? nah.....

 

Hi,

Why a big "come out" fuss? Just ask the guy to do something after work; beer, coffee, movie, dinner, etc.

Don't expect a lot.

Tom

 

i didn't say anything at work until a topic came up that required me to say something about a girlfriend then i just said it. (i wasn't with anyone at all for years). i put a pic of us up at my desk just like everyone else does. if someone asked i said it's my girlfriend. the people at work who you have a closer relationship with, joking etc, will ask more questions. then word will get around. i didn't ANNOUNCE. that feels wierd. if someone asked me what i did last weekend i would just say "my girlfriend and i went ot the coast" or whatever. they either asked more or didn't.

 

I bought a pair of fashionable glasses, and I wear a silver bracelet now. Both very subtle. Its amazing how many "compliments" I get from other gay guys on my bracelet, I think it makes for a nice ice breaker. Otherwise, like you, no one would think I fit the gay stereotype.

 

SO COOL!!! What is it about the silver bracelet that attracts attention? just the fact that you're wearing one? When I was a little kid I wore a silver bracelet. It just had my name on it and a cub scout symbol. I also wanted my toenails painted like my sister. All my carrying on got me was some clear nail polish. And when my shoe size was the same as my mother's (I was about 7 or 8) my mother kept getting pissed off when she was finding the heels broken off her shoes. I used to wear them when I was home alone, but wasn't good at walking in them. I always denied it was me (hmmmm, an early pattern?). I didn't grow up with a desire to be a CD/TV, but there was something about gender identity definitely going on there in that little boy's heart.