I think maybe I posted this under the wrong catagory earlier so I am reposting here. I stumbled onto this site by accident and I am glad I did. I am having some difficulties and would appreciate some input/advice. I married in 2005 at the age of 36. However, 8 years later the marriage ended one day when she told me she could not do it anymore. She was tired of being alone. I am sure my story is not the only one like this. The day she told me she wanted out she told me she had suspected that I was gay for a few years. She said, no man can live and sleep in bed with a woman and not touch her or make her feel like he wants her. Our relationship was not always like this, but I know that during the relationship I became distant. I did not mean to but it happened. I wanted to fix it but wasn't sure how and by the time I tried or should say wanted to fix it, it was too late... She was done. We are good friends to this day and she tells me that I need to find out who I am and what I want and what makes me happy. We split up 3 years ago but have yet to get divorced, mainly for health insurance reasons, as she had some issues preventing her from working at the time and it did not cost my any more to cover her as myself and the kids, so we left things as they are. We made a verbal agreement to put the kids first and then ourselves. We also agreed that we could both date or see other people and that it would not be brought up in the divorce when the time came. She moved on and found a relationship with a guy that I had known for about 20 year, but was not really friends with, we just knew of each other, he was a nice guy from what I know from other people. They had a very up and down relationship and she spent almost 3 years with him until several months ago she finally left after she could no longer take his verbal abuse and controlling ways. She did not have a job and no place to go, her family lives out of state, she I told her to come here. I still love her and would love to fix the situation and get back together, but she is not willing. She believes that I need to be with a man. As soon as she left this guy her friends all banded together and got her out socializing and she met a new guy recently. She is very happy with him and I am happy for her to a certain extent. She does deserve happiness, she has not had that in a long time. But now I am very jealous that she is with him because I wanted to try and work it out. She is not willing. My issues is that I have always known something was different since I was maybe 8 years old. I know that I liked boys more than another boy should. As I got older and into high school, I still had the same feelings. I avoided sports and other activities that would put me in positions where I would have be in locker rooms or showers with my classmates. Although I did not believe that I acted gay or whatever they call it, I was relentlessly picked on and called gay by the older guys in school. This stopped when I got into high school. I do know that I have always been attracted to guys, and felt more than I should for them, but I grew up in a very small town in the country and never experimented with anyone. Later as an Adult I did finally experiment with a guy but pretty much all we did was jack together and kiss. It was nice and I liked it but it wasnt something I was wanting to continue at the time. I was just out of a relationship with a woman at time. It was a year later that I met my wife. I like sex with women, but I dont look at women or find them attractive like I do men. I have now had a few expeirences with other guys and enjoyed them, but then felt guilty afterwards. Not really sure why. Now I am trying to decide, am I gay. Am I bi. and if I am gay why do I want to get back together with the ex wife? Is it because it is safe and that is what I have known for the past 10 years or am I scared to move on and see what the future holds. I do have a close female friend who is gay and she has given me lots of advice, but I really feel like I need some advice from other guys on this issue. Thank you for reading and hoping to get some better insight. I am tired of feeling confused and not knowing what or who I am. I know I have to make that decision on my own but some insight on how others may have overcome the same thing would help alot.
I'm guessing this. It sounds like you didn't love HER so much as you love the fact that you had a nice, normal, stable relationship. (Put all four of those last four words in quotes if you feel the need to.) Because as long as you had that, your sexuality was sort of a moot point, right? It didn't matter if you were gay or bi or straight or whatever - you had a wife, and that was the end of it. But now you don't, and so you're sort of faced with the question again. What's going on? It could be any number of things. Maybe you're homosexual and heteroromantic. Maybe you still have enough "gay guilt" that you can't move forward towards accepting your sexuality except when you're exceptionally horny. Or maybe it's something else entirely. Try this thought experiment. Build yourself the absolute perfect relationship, with absolutely the perfect (for you) partner. Assume everything is possible, and that everybody will think your partner (of whatever gender) is a brilliant human being, and will be totally happy for you. See what you come up with. Lex
Thanks Lexington. Interesting points. Kindy14... That may be the same here. I don't like change and all this is overwhelming.
Yeah, fear of change, and the unknown have ruled most of my life for way to long. My life situation, therapy, meds, and a lot of work on my part, have gotten me past a lot of those fears. Told my therapist I was going to put my life into a wood chipper and see what was left. Feels more like jumping out of a plane, no parachute, but somewhere down there, there is a soft landing spot you need to guide yourself to. ***** Regarding your ex, regardless of your orientation, I would emotionally free yourself from your ex. It sounds like she's divorced you internally already. I know that's harsh. ***** URWHOUR - don't worry so much about the label. If you liked being with both, you may be bi. Accept it, move on. Find people who make you happy and satisfied inside.
Kindy14...yes she has already moved on. We are only married at thus point so she had health insurance. But she is working now and has health insurance. So divorce is the next step. I want to move on but have some financial issues to work out first... We also have two.young children and I am left wondering how someone my age would feel about having kids when most people my age 45...have raised their kids already or have never had any at all. Lots of questions and what if's...
I can only speak to my experience, my wife and I adopted a 12 year old, almost 3 years ago. We waited to long to try to have kids, waiting till things were "just right." Which never happened, biology caught up. I'm still young enough to enjoy helping him train for baseball, or trying to keep up with him on the basketball court. We get to hang out and play games we both like, Risk, Dungeons & Dragons, video games (when his mom lets him.) Well, I'm not just talking about moving on legally, you have to give up on getting back with her, know it's a lost cause. Friend-zone her. You need to internalize that loss, and make it permanent. No going back. Going forward, find your own path, there are many out there.
Yes. I have been here before she came along. There are many other reason I have been slow to move on and I did not realize I s had these feelings for her til recently. I know this all came about after she got with the new BF recently. Guessing maybe I am kinda jealous since this is her second one since we split 3 yes ago. But I had some health issues in 2012 that caused some small financial issues. Finally got those resolved and moved to a new place 2013, three months later I was in the hospital for a month and off work a month and a half. Exhausted me sick and PTO time so now finances were tight again. Then the neighbor kids set me shed on fire and it fell on my house a d burned my house. Thankfully I had good insurance. In then moved to a new rent house and here I am. Still trying to recover financially. I just don't think I can in good conscious being someone into my life with all the baggage I am carrying. As for do I want a man/woman... I don't know. I like sex with both in the heat of the moment. After wards I feel more comfirtable with a woman. Afterwards with a man not so much. However I have noticed that with a man I can go for round two and with a woman I just want to cuddle up and sleep. I know it all sounds crazy. I know I will eventully figure it out..I just never though that at 45 yes old I would be in this position. I really do appreciate all the advice everyone has given. It helps to know I am not alone.
No crazier than my story. Not like I planned my life so I'd be married for 21 years, then me so miserable with my life I had to change everything. "I just don't think I can in good conscious being someone into my life with all the baggage I am carrying." Yes, you are still vulnerable, so I wouldn't get seriously involved with anyone either.
Yep. That's my life.. I really want a new relationship...as I don't like being alone and miss someone being there and having someone to hold and touch. And just someone there to care...but now is not the time. Sadly. Thanks for all the advice. It is nice to have people to talk too.
Hey, lots of people care about you. I care. Yeah, much easier than sitting alone in my head trying to ponder all this. Helping others is who I am, but it is also good therapy to see how similar my situation is to others. See how others have done it, made it through all this crap in my head. Well, there's nothing wrong with seeking relief in the arms of someone else, I would just stay emotionally guarded about having a relationship with them in your current vulnerable state. (What I heard from my therapist this morning, before having a talk with my wife in session.)
jas4109 you've been given some great advice and the only thing I would reinforce is that we're glad you found EC and have shared with us. You are "normal" and your feelings aren't crazy.
I feel the exact same way! I think it's common. Maybe a little bit of guilt, caused by confusion. I feel that way after porn or sex. I think it's just really confusing to be bi. Me personally, I would rather just like one or the other. Liking both is sometimes draining and confusing. Did you never feel jealous of your wife's first lover?
Yes I did... But they lived in another town and we didn't see each other except by on exchange kids. Now we live in same town and currently she is living in my house (long story). But she found a job and is working on getting her own place. Last guy was controlling and wouldn't let her work or leave house without him. Now she has new guy who really is nice. I like him. BUT now I have all these jealous feelings. Even knowing deep down I do not want to get back together.. I am so ready to move on but I think with all this right under my nose its hard.. Also the fact in thing a lot of the jealousy comes from she has moved on twice now and I have yet to move forward. I dove into work and my kids.
Hi, Jas! Thanks for your bravery and honesty. I hope you've found this thread to be supportive. Here's a couple of things that I notice in your original post. When your refer to your teenage attractions to boys/men, you say that it is more than you "should" have felt. I am always attuned to these kinds of verbs: shoulds, musts, and oughts. They are usually the modal verbs of criticism and judgment. So, correct me if I am wrong, but do you think that you might be really wrestling with whether or not being gay or bi is "right" or "good"? After 15 years of marriage myself, then coming out and proceeding toward divorce, I can surely say that there have been plenty of days that I wish I had never done it and that my kids, wife, and I could get back together. Or, I felt that way for awhile. I do not feel that way now. But being in the American South, I have lots of internalized homophobias to exhume and the more I do, the more I can accept myself and accept the possibility of being intimate with another man. I choose the word intimacy very carefully. Lots of mature guys when they come out go for the sex and often wind up with men who are not very emotionally available for a relationship. I wonder if the men you are selecting for sexual encounters are ready for the kind of intimacy that you might want? All this is guessing! And me processing through my own stuff, too! Take what you need and leave the rest! Peace, Sam
