Hello , I now know that I am gay no doubt about it now !! Last night I messed up big . I had a major fight with her and I left to go over to my friends house he is the one that is going to wait till I am single .Any way we were on his couch watching a movie and he was trying to cheer me up,we were holding each other and crying . He said hey look at me I did not do it and he reached over and turned my head and he said that I was a loving caring person and no matter what they say to me I will always be who I am and he will always love me ! we both moved in a kissed passionately it was awesome next thing I know we are in his bed having the best sex I have ever had or even dreamed of !!!! It lasted over 4 hours when we was done I rolled over away from him and he held me so tight and close I started to cry and he asked what was wrong he thought he hurt me somehow and I said no you did not but I am sorry I have to go home I am sorry please forgive me and he said its OK please call me to let me know that you are home safe I said OK and left . I did call him and tell him I was home and then said good bye .I feel so dirty now I can't be leave that I cheated on her I hate my self so much right now I want to tell her but I know that it will make things worse or do I wait to tell her ? I am so confused .
I think you need to tell her you are gay but not necessarily all the gory details. She will be hurt and confused but she needs to know. You have to try and limit the hurt as much as possible by telling her before she finds out or things get worse. It's hard I know but you are clearly in love with someone else and you can't turn those feelings off again. Hope things go ok for you. I don't know your background so I'm not sure if there are children involved etc.
Whether you end up with your friend or not, you need to be talking to your wife about a peaceful divorce, before things get worse, and the lawyers start making money.
I am far from giving advice myself here... However, I agree with Yossarian. I am sorry you are having to go thru this lb41974. However it does sound like you have a great friend even without the sex. Good luck to you and keep your head up. I know this is difficult. I am still trying to come to terms. My wife and I separated 3 years ago and are not yet divorced. She has moved on to a new relationship and I am free to do the same, but still have not due to some work I need to do internally and externally. But I am hoping to get there soon. If ya need to talk message me. maybe we can help each other. I will at least try. Again good luck.
Thanks everybody ! She does know that I am having feelings for men but she does not know how strong they are , yes we have kids 2 of them 21 and 15 and one grand baby 14 months . I want to tell her everything I am just worried she will say leave and if I do she I not able to pay all the bills she will loose the house and everything and I can't live with my self putting them out on the street I am trying to get things set up so they can keep the house the is only 9 years left on it u hate to lose it now . Any way I feel so nasty and disgusting now that I have cheated I never meant for this to happen! My friend called today and he kept saying he was sorry for what happened not that we had sex but that it happened like it did . I am so confused I want cry I want to scream I want to hit something but i can't I am not violent .
I cannot say what you should do. I can say There are lots of things to consider. One, is that if you and your wife are continuing to have any sexual relations, she needs to know that you have had sex with someone else. She will need to be able to protect herself. Second, the longer you wait to tell her, the harder it will be to come to some sort of reconciliation. You did not intend to have the experience you had, but the choice of what to do afterwards is probably the thing that will matter most to her in the end. Third, I hope you will find compassion for yourself. I don't know the circumstances of your life, and where you are in your understanding of your sexuality. I came at this very late in life, having shut off most feelings, and denying this part of myself. A part of living in the closet is the shame that keeps us bound up. And even recognizing it does not take it away. It has taken a lot of help from a variety of people to let go of the shame feelings. I am also married, and it is compounded by all of the expectations and hopes we had for our lives. There is a lot to work through. Allow yourself the time and space to deal with some difficult life changes. And know that you are not alone.
BeingEarnest, Thanks for the kind words,it is hard and I see that now .I feel like I am being torn apart and pulled in a thousand different directions at once . She is trying to have a sexual relationship with me but to be honest I can't with her at this time I have to think of a man to get aroused in front of her and I fell so guilty about it and I don't have the courage to tell her
I hate to go against the grain here, but before you decide you want to tell her, you have to ask yourself a few important questions: (1) Do you want to still be with your wife? Like, be her husband, with a real relationship and all that? (2) Are you planning on cheating on her again? (3) is your friend disease free and clean? Did you where protection? (4) if you answered yes to 1 & 3, but no to 2, then who are you telling her for? Telling her would take a huge burden off of your conscious, but what would it do to her? I know that last one is tough, but it might not fix anything for you or her to tell her. You don't want to make everything worse, especially if you regret your experience. If you don't love her anymore and hope to leave the marriage, then she deserves complete honesty from you. She might even understand everything and be relieved. The cheating thing will be harder for her to absorb, but you don't want to be dishonest with her if you want to have a relationship with her post-marriage. Good luck, friend.
lb41974 I do sense your pain as I've done the same, but let it go on for years. Looking back I regret that decision, not just the guilt but the feeling what might have been. It may be the hardest thing you ever do but I also would suggest coming out to her, but as one writer suggested without all the gory details. One caveat though, if she asks if you've had sex with a man, please be honest with her. My wife took the coming out ok but me cheating not so much. I came clean 4+ years ago and we're still "together" but as friends and roommates... so take heart it's worth it to be the real you.
Hi, I do not think anybody her can council you well. Seek a professiinal, gay friendly therapist to guide you. Tom
I have been doing a bit of traveling and I might have missed some posts, last I read from you, you had a huge blowout with your wife and you kids as well a few weeks back with them knowing that you were gay. So sorry if I missed some other posts, but don't you already have the catalyst you need to move on?
