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help!!! suggestions for mental health care?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Wildside, Nov 16, 2014.

  1. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    first the question, then the intro: can anyone share any experiences or suggestions about finding the right (or wrong) mental health care providers when one is stuck in the closet?
    And now, the racing thoughts that you can ignore. I wanted to make sure the question led off the thread. I am 58 and the stress of pretending to be someone I'm not all my life, pretending to be who I thought and think that everyone wants and expects me to me, it just takes so much energy, like projecting a force field using the very life energy of my soul, and I think that the shields are hitting their limits. They have before, but even then I refused to get honest. I can't sleep well, I have constant anxiety, I avoid any more contact than necessary because it is always work. I want to cry. I want to be held. I want to have a friend I can talk to. I want to be free and able to live an open and authentic life. But I'm afraid. I have avoided seeing any kind of mental health professionals because it has never helped before, just a bunch of pills that I eventually had to get off, and some useless talk therapy that they always gave up on because they couldn't get the right response out of saying "we're only as sick as our secrets." I even tried AA for ten years, and I think that the 12 steps are great, but I'm not an alcoholic. I pretended to be, even convinced myself, because I couldn't tell the truth. I thought the following the steps but secretly applying them to being gay would free me from being gay. I did my fourth step with an openly gay guy (come to think of it, maybe he's the first guy I came out to). He gave me good advice, but also hit on me (I wanted to go for it, but thought that would violate the sanctity of the fourth step). So, I've actually looked on line for therapists who specialize in working with people coming out. I found one in Dallas, but he doesn't take health insurance so that wasn't really an option. And I am not ready to tell people, like my wife, that I'm going to a therapist specifically for that reason. If I was ready to tell her that, I probably wouldn't need to be looking for a mental health professional. Oh God, I want to cry, I don't know what to do. I am NOT suicidal, but I do feel like the pain will not end until I die. And constantly living with this stress probably will take a toll on my health after a while, so maybe that's how nature keeps everything in balance. sorry to be such a downer, but that is why I put the question at the beginning. If anybody actually reads this far, you are either dealing with the same thing or EXTRAORDINARILY compassionate. In either case, if you are there, I thank you and I apologize. If I ever come out, I'm sure I will face so much ostracization and stigma from family and church (which is a big part of my life, but is really an ecclesial straight jacket). Oh, I'm kind of pathetic, I know. But anyway, if you have any suggestions or any experiences, strength and hope to share, please do!!! :help::help::help::help::help::help::help:
     
  2. Weston

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    You're not pathetic, you're where I was, a year ago. You just need to come out. It seems an insurmountable barrier, but it's so much easier on the other side. So many things you took for granted will change. You WILL survive. And be happy. Just be aware that coming out is only the first step — everything else will follow in its time. Don't worry about that right now — just come out!
     
  3. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks, Weston, maybe some day I'll find a friend like you and will have someone to talk to F2F. I may be like you were a year ago, but I was also like this the year before that, and the year before that and the year before that and...
    but I know you're right. it's just like jumping out of an airplane -- ain't no turning back once the fun begins. (and I broke my leg with a spiral fracture doing that, 38 years ago. I guess I would have been better off jumping out of the closet when I was 20 instead of jumping out of an airplane, but that would have been the end of my dreams of being in the military) :eek:
     
  4. BeingEarnest

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    Hi Wildside,
    I came out in March. I told my wife, and in the process she asked me to see a therapist. I asked for referrals, specifically one who has experience working with lgbt issues. I was fortunate that I found a good one. It has helped tremendously. I am learning to accept myself as I am. Talking with understanding friends has so helped, especially gay friends.

    One of the hardest parts has been getting past all of the fears and hatred that I internalized. It has not been easy, but there are days when I feel better than I can remember, and I get a glimpse of what wholeness looks like.
     
  5. Tightrope

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    I read your entire post. You sound very committed to seeking help and soliciting our help.

    First, you are far from pathetic. You are pretty darn strong in that you are so in touch with what you feel, and it comes across in how you describe it. It sounds painful, indeed. Many here have gone through what you've gone through, either as single people, married people, divorced people, or widowed people. You are not alone and what you are experiencing is more common than not. When people come here (EC) expressing pain, they get respect and compassion. Even though we are not professionals, we try to help however we can.

    About finding and selecting mental health help, finding the right practitioner is indeed important. Have you ever had to try a few doctors to find the one you worked well with? I have. The same has been true of mental health practitioners - i.e. therapists.
    I had some criteria when selecting a therapist. I wanted someone whose posture was relaxed when it came to sexual identity issues but neither militant nor conservative and dogmatic. Either would have been a shock to my system. And, yes, in one form or another, I broke "the news" to therapists that I knew I'd be working with and with whom the ball got rolling. I, too, come from not necessarily a conservative background, but a more traditional and religious background, so I couldn't be working with either extreme. I'm not a mental health expert and not all may agree with me, but I feel that practitioners who are at the extreme ends of the spectrum on how to deal with sexuality issues aren't always the best because it's not "one size fits all." So, what I'm trying to say is that you need to find a therapist who understands and respects what you have gone through. Someone who may not have had much exposure to traditional spirituality, and is even covertly derisive of it because they are against it, and you'd have to sleuth that one out, might not be your best bet. Someone who has been recommended to you by a conservative religious organization would not be your best bet, either, because their belief system may color how and where they steer you. What was my challenge, and what could be your challenge, is finding someone who is a moderate, given your background and who can help guide you in the direction most appropriate, balanced, and tailored to you.

    Set up some criteria for a therapist. Make a list - an age that you can work with, gender, therapeutic approach (read up on these - there are several), overall beliefs, areas of specialty, whether they take your insurance or require paying out of pocket, if they are located near you and have hours that work with your schedule, etc. I made a list like this and I lucked out. There would have been some practitioners in the same clinic who would have been a disastrous match for me. Also, look at their photo, if one is available. Study it and listen to your gut. I believe in that, too.

    You've taken some big steps. The next step is to take a deep breath. Then, set up criteria and begin the search for a therapist who fits your criteria and can work with LGBT issues and do so without a "one size fits all" approach. That's what I think. Others will chime in and add additional suggestions, criteria, and points of view.

    Let us know how this goes.
     
  6. bingostring

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    Things you can think about (sorry that may not all be applicable to your town or circumstances):

    Try a focused therapy specific to your current needs, with maybe a gay therapist recommended by a LGBT resource centre. If not insurance friendly - could you at least pay for a few sessions.. its the rest of your life we're talking about here !!

    Meds.. if you think they would help just short term to help the anxiety - coz it so sucks. And maybe something for depression too?

    Explore LGBT resource centres in your area
    Find and join a mens support group, or a gay mens support group
    Find and join a LGBT interest group

    Try to get to know 2 or 3 gay men local to you (acquaintances or friends /not hook ups) in your age range. A mini-support group of your own. People you can talk to and hang out have coffee with. At least one can be your confidante.

    Find a week-long gay retreat/ residential activity weeks. These can be amazingly powerful and liberating experiences - we have them in the UK so I am sure you have them there too.

    Keep posting on EC !!!
     
  7. Weston

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    It is indeed like jumping out of an airplane (and I suppose you could again end up with a metaphorical "broken leg" if things go badly in the near term). But it really does get better. Almost immediately. Your life will be forever changed, but more importantly, YOU will change. You will be free to express your real self in ways unimaginable to you now. And despite the unhappiness that will inevitably ensue, at the bottom of it, you will be glad you came out.

    I was incredibly lucky in my coming out (last June, at 63). My best friend and lover, whom I met one year previously, had come out to his wife five years before. Although our circumstances were somewhat different — he was in an unhappy marriage of 20+ years; mine of 30 years was incredibly happy — he was there to coach me along every step of the way. It still took me that entire year to jump out of the plane, during which, my friend/lover despaired of my ever coming out. I eventually set myself a date — I would either be out by then or give up altogether. For months I ran through various scenarios in my head and even thought to write out a script; but in the end, I just blurted it out one morning amid floods of tears. There really is no best time or perfect way to do it, other than to just say, "I am gay." The rest comes naturally.

    I'd like to stress that when I came out, I came out for MYSELF, not for my lover. (Ironically, though apparently not uncommonly, we ended the relationship shortly thereafter.) But I could not have done it without him, and he was undoubtedly my major inspiration. By that I mean that it was my love for him, and my realization that such a degree of love between two people, let alone two men, was possible, that inspired me to come out.

    Six months down the road, my relationship with my wife and adult kids is great. Not without tears, however. We're making plans for an eventual separation, probably this spring. But we'll remain best friends, I'll see her often and be there for her when she needs me (as she will for me), and I won't let our relationship be altered by any subsequent attachments I may form.

    I did see a therapist for two sessions after I came out, and he basically fired me, saying I seemed to be doing all the right things, and it would just take time, and that I should come back only if I felt the need as we move into our new lives. So far that hasn't been necessary.

    So I wish you the best of luck. Friend or therapist, you definitely should have someone by your side as you work your way through this. Your wife will need support too, not only from you but also from outside. In the meantime, if there's anything I can do to help/advise, I think you can PM me.
     
  8. quietman702

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    I hear you loud and clear Wildside as I'm the same age as you and know the pain you're experiencing. There is hope on finding a counselor but I know you have insurance limitations. Please don't take this wrong way, but do any of your insurance approved hospitals have outpatient mental health services.. just a thought as it worked for me. If they don't they may be able to point you in the right direction. My heart hurts for you and again there is hope! We here at EC stand with you!

    Please find attached something I wrote called "My Secret Pain" that I hope may give you some encouragement. View attachment Coming out.docx
     
  9. skiff

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    Hi,

    First, anybody who gives you grief walk away. This includes family.

    Second, organized religion kills more than old age. Spirituality based in love is a great thing, but human, dogmatic, organized religion based in inclusion/exclusion... you are better off without.

    Mental health... expect to fire a few quacks. You will know initially to some degree so interview some candidates for the job. They are your employees not vice versa.

    Tom
     
  10. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    In finding therapy literally start with; "I am interviewing candidates for a counciling position". Then follow up with questions you want their position on.

    ---------- Post added 17th Nov 2014 at 05:26 AM ----------

    1. Are you a licensed psychologist in this state? Is your license active and in good standing?

    2. Where did you get your degree? What type of training or clinical experiences have you had in treating the kinds of problems I am having (mood problems, anxiety, sleep difficulties, etc.)?

    3. How many years have you been seeing clients?

    4. What is/are your areas of expertise?

    5. I am here because (I am feeling stressed, I feel sad, I lost a person close to me, I feel disoriented), and I’m having trouble (at work, at home, in social situations, sleeping). What has been your experience treating this kind of problem?

    6. What type of treatments do you use? How effective are they in dealing with situations similar to mine? How do you know if treatment is working, and what do you do when it doesn’t work?

    7. How much do you charge? Do you accept my insurance? Do you have availability in the (mornings, afternoons, evenings, weekends)? When’s the earliest date that I can see you for our first appointment?

    8. Does your work in therapy tend to be more focused on the past or the present? Do you tend to see people for long-term therapy or for shorter-term therapy?
     
  11. kindy14

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    Yep, I've been free falling out of the plane since 2 weeks ago, but I think I see the parachute I threw ahead of me.

    Telling my wife that I was leaving her was the hardest, shittiest thing I've ever done...
    I hate breaking her heart, but mines been broken longer, and I see the path of healing it. Any more, I have no attraction to my wife, and very little attachment.
     
  12. Becoming

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    I am 57 and have just experienced the very same thing. All I can say is it is very important to have someone to talk to, but it doesn't have to be a mental health professional, though in my case it is. Keep looking. Don't give up. A sympathetic ear is vital to your new growth. You are not alone. You can talk to me if you want, I have learned tons, that may be of help to you. God bless.
     
  13. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    Quietman -- actually, I have pretty good insurance, but the one counselor that I contacted said that he didn't take anybody's insurance because he didn't want to deal with the paperwork. I guess business is good enough that he could do that. so if I went to him, that would mean doing all the insurance paperwork hassle myself. but I suspect that most counselors would probably take it.
     
  14. kumawool

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    If you can find an affordable one, most therapists and counselors these days are excellent in this area.

    Alternatively, seek out gay support groups. Being in an environment of gay peers may be frightening, but it will make you more comfortable with being seen as 'gay' with 'safe' people. Many colleges have such environments; you will want to ensure they're for all ages. Many are.

    Last suggestion, and what helped me a lot, is to try having a pen pal. I added someone from a similar forum as this to my Facebook, which was a risk. But that trust paid off, and we have supported each other throughout gay issues, the coming out process, even discovering we have the same taste in guys (not each other haha)! It was immensely helpful.

    Though, having a boyfriend brought this along further. Don't be afraid of getting into a relationship before you're 'ready'. If ever that chance comes along, try it! You may find the experience to be life changing, as I did.

    I hope you're able to find good resources!

    ---------- Post added 17th Nov 2014 at 08:23 PM ----------

    Also! I notice that this site offers some one on one support as well. I'm not sure if actual mental health support, but definitely a great resource, and from people you already feel safe with :slight_smile:.

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/87348-individual-support.html
     
  15. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks! you just gave me a ton of good leads! actually, I would feel really comfortable with a gay support group. since i've moved to texas, I haven't even known any openly gay people, and that has made me feel more isolated. i have always felt so much more comfortable around gay men, and I'm talking about just friends and colleagues who didn't know that I'm out, nothing sexual, just more comfortable, can't explain it because I wasn't out to them, but maybe I just let my guard down around them. there must be something like that in the fort worth tx area, but it's just a matter of finding them. if I do get a good counselor with experience with LGBT issues, I'm sure they would give me some leads as well. I've got some travel over the next five weeks that will put a hold on some important things in my life, but I am SO excited about getting to a counselor and talking openly and honestly -- something I couldn't do when I was medevacked from Africa for depression fifteen years ago. That shrink kept telling me that we're as sick as our secrets, and fact was that at that time I preferred being sick to having secrets. Now, even though I don't know if I can do what I need to do, I do long to be healthy and free of my secrets. Maybe understanding that and wanting it is the first step to a recovery from the sickness of a lifetime of secrets. For so many years I thought that recovery meant to stop being gay, and especially to stop having sex with men. Today I see recovery as not having secrets.
     
  16. kumawool

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    Secrets are really difficult. Although; if you ever feel that exposing your sexuality in a given situation is dangerous, think of it as safety, rather than a secret.

    In other circumstances,

    The stress of hiding your sexuality is a constant pressure, that presses on you at all times. Keeping it a secret would be stressful, and hard on your health; it was hard on mine.

    As you become more accepting of yourself, and even make a few supportive friends, it'll be a bit like a pressure valve, letting some of that go. Some of that stress will disappear, and you'll feel that weight lifted.

    (&&&)
     
  17. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks, kumawool, that makes sense. I guess it's a balance. when I kept is so secret that I wouldn't even tell my shrink or talk to someone who wanted to help, that was toxic. by the same token, if I were to tell people where it would result in me being hurt, that would be foolish. so, safety and no secrets are very compatible. I will tell everyone and anyone who I believe will help me; and nobody who I believe will hurt me. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference for sure, but I will err slightly on the side of taking chances, like having my photo on my profile and my avatar. I will be as honest as I am able to, and no more. thanks for the insight!
     
  18. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    Hmmm.... let me ask... are you gay?

    Just checkinng :slight_smile:
     
  19. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    yes, I am gay. did something I say suggest otherwise? :icon_redf
     
  20. AndyG

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    Thank you for this discussion. I am in the process of seeking the same type of HELLLLP!

    There are a lot of resources in my area, I just need to build up the strength to actually GO. I'm imagining it'll be like walking on to the moon. Except without all the rocks, dust, and lack of gravity... I hope.

    I've driven past the building before, where some of these meetings take place thinking "how sad to have to go there... poor gays."

    Karma is not my friend right now.

    I've sat in front of 3 or 4 therapists in my life and the words would not dare leave my mouth. I often used the excuse that they were bad at their job and therefore it wouldn't help telling them about this tiny nagging issue of mine. When I think about all the wasted time working in circles around the problem. How many times I should have screamed, "look at all the clues; I must be gay!" But they can only help as far as we let them.

    I wish you all the happiness in the world Wildside. Thanks for having the courage to get this far... I know you're 1 of many here that have had kind words for me and I honestly some day hope to be on the other side of this with you.

    Well not WITH you... just with you... as in my brother. :icon_bigg