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sex requirement in MOM

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Carm, Nov 16, 2014.

  1. Carm

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    I haven't done much reading in this forum, so forgive me if I should know this already: Have any of you been in a "hetero" relationship where your partner basically demanded that the sex life be kept at a certain minimum, regardless of knowing your sexual attraction didn't extend to him/her? What did you make of that? Of your partner? Of that dynamic? Of yourself for giving in/not giving in? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.
    Thanks.
     
  2. Andronas

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    That sounds like attempted rape to me. o.o
     
  3. Really

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    Is this really happening to you? That would be very worrying to me. What if you said "no"?
    Sorry, I don't have any personal experience with this but hope you'll be able to quickly and safely get that sorted. Even in a straight relationship, that would be unacceptable!
     
  4. bi2me

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    That doesn't sound like someone who is looking out for your best interests.

    My husband and I don't have a "minimum," although through our marriage, we have fluctuated wildly from a couple of times a month to a couple of times a day depending on a lot of circumstances.

    I'm bi, so attraction isn't as much of an issue most of the time, but I wouldn't want there to be a prescribed amount we are required to do. That said, if we both realize it's been a while, we sometimes set an "appointment" to get the ball rolling again. At least for me, desire sometimes has to get jump started... but again, I'm not a lesbian, so I don't have a dislike of straight sex.
     
  5. sldanlm

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    I've never personally been involved in that kind of relationship but I know someone who is. Having sex with her husband whenever he wants it is considered part of her duties as a wife. If she doesn't comply he can divorce her, which isn't the worst thing. If it was known that the reason she won't comply was due to her not being hetrosexual, his or her own family might have her killed.

    For me personally, I would never even consider having sex with someone if I wasn't okay with it just to maintain a relationship, no matter what I felt emotionally about that person.
     
  6. Penpal

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    Not quite the same but my ex would come home after drinking and come on to me. There was one night where it was the time of the month and I said no but he wouldn't stop. Im not going to go into details but he did something he had never done previously and i was really upset. I regret not being more forceful in rejecting him. He didn't remember it the next day. After that I didn't enjoy sex with him at all. He only ever made a fuss of me when he wanted to sleep with me.
    You shouldn't put up with it. Married or not it's your choice. X
     
  7. biAnnika

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    I don't know where you are, but in the US nobody has the right to *demand* sex from anybody for any reason. Ever.

    A partner certainly has the right to *request* sex whenever they want, but there is no obligation to...well...oblige.

    If this is actually happening to you, and you don't feel safe, my advice would be:
    (1) don't do anything you're not comfortable with unless something even worse will happen *right away* if you don't;
    (2) as soon as you can, get help from a Crisis Center. You don't have to talk about your sexuality...it isn't relevant. Just say that he expects sex whenever he demands it, and tell them what happens when you refuse.

    Nobody (straight, gay, or whatever) has to endure that kind of submission.
     
  8. LittleLionGirl

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    At best, that's coercion, but it sounds more like rape or sexual slavery to me.

    Call it what you will, it's wrong. If that is happening to you, there are more problems with your marriage than your sexual attractions. I would strongly recommend you seek help from professionals - local law enforcement, LGBTQ center, women's shelters... these are only a few of the many available options.

    Sexual manipulation is wrong, no matter what the excuse.
     
  9. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    to quote Nancy Reagan, 'just say no." and if it doesn't work and he forces you to anyway, that is rape. if you're married, it's called marital rape. if he just insists and mopes around, oh well. I can't speak for my past, but for today I can honestly say that I will not be guilted into hetero sex and definitely won't be forced into it. ultimately, if "no" isn't enough to do the trick, "I'm gay" would probably work. good luck with this. it is a serious issue and for me it would be critical for identity and sense of wholeness.
     
  10. Carm

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    I'm actually a little bit surprised at your responses. Are you saying that those of you who came out while married to an opposite sex partner didn't feel pressured to give sex to your partner? What if it was an understanding that giving sex was a condition of the marriage, meaning that divorce was inevitable if you didn't have sex often enough? This can't be uncommon.
     
  11. HTBO

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    No, it never happened to me. We hadn't had sex for 9 months before I came out to him and this never happened and after, it wasn't even a possibility. We are separated now, but even if we weren't and were going to stay together, there is no way I'd give in unless I wanted to. For me, if he wanted a divorce because there wasn't enough sex, that would be ok because I wouldn't want to stay married to anyone based on certain 'conditions'. If you're ok with it, then that's your choice, but if not, then you do not have to oblige, it's your body and your life.
     
  12. Wildside

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    It hasn't been a problem for me either. For years and years my wife never felt obliged to have sex with me any more than she felt like it, which was once or twice a month. I had a lot of resentment about that, I blamed my being gay on that for years (ignoring the fact that if I were straight, my reaction would have been to be chasing after other women, not men). But I certainly wasn't going to force her to have sex. That would have been just so wrong to my way of thinking and would be a crime in many states (most? all?). So for me, when I finally came out to myself and just stopped having sex with her, she never complained. Maybe she was tired of hearing my fantasies about men during sex, I don't know. LOL! But if she were to come looking for it one day, which is unlikely, but were it to happen, I just wouldn't do it. It was always an effort before, but after a couple years now the actually reality of having sex with any woman is just repulsive to me, and I wouldn't do it.
     
  13. Lindsey23

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    Interesting question. I do feel obligated to have sex with my husband. But I'm ok with it. I don't hate sex. I used to but I'm kind of neutral about it now. Although there are times when I just can't do it.

    After I came out to him we had a similar conversation. I can't remember exactly what was said but he made it clear that he needs sex in his marriage. I don't think that's unreasonable, for a man to want/need sex from his wife. I know we are headed for divorce, because we aren't really compatible in that way. Still, we have a strong emotional connection, in spite of all the hurt/problems in our marriage. If it weren't for that emotional connection I wouldn't have sex with him.