Hi, I'm new here - I'll try to keep this succinct (I posted this in 'advice' and someone suggested I post it here). I'm 45 and a lesbian. I've been out since I was 18. My brother is 5 years older than me. He was living with our dad, until his recent death. He now lives in Dad's house. I went to visit my brother over the weekend, and discovered while working on the computer that he's been spending a fair amount of time viewing gay porn. Now, I know that doesn't automatically mean he's gay. But I didn't see any other kind of porn, and there were a couple of non-porn gay things in the history. I was dumbfounded. Many, many things started to make sense. His anger, depression, alcohol/substance abuse, etc. The fact that he's only had 1 girlfriend his adult life (I thought it was just because he was socially awkward, and had trouble talking to women). He's an avid hunter and fisherman, and hangs out with hunters and fishermen. He lives in a small, southern town. I think he's probably terrified of anyone finding out, and having to deal with it himself. The local Hospice offered free grief counseling when our dad died, and he was adamant that he was NOT going to go to counseling. He's pretty fragile emotionally, and defensive about everything. I think he would be so much happier if he would come to terms with it (after the initial very rocky period). I want him to know I love him and would be there for him - but we haven't had the best relationship historically. It's better than it used to be, but I don't know if he'd talk to me about it. I want so much to help him, but I don't know what he's ready for, if anything. I don't want him to freak out if the thinks someone knows. I'm kind of at a loss. Thanks for any help. jagel
Hi Jagel, Sometimes when it's difficult to talk to someone, when there is a "history" between you, it may be better to put it in writing. So, what to write? I am of the opinion that expressing any suspicions you may have about his sexuality should remain unsaid. Before even thinking of going there, you will need to continue building a groundwork of trust and compassion as you seem to be doing already. Ideally, he will come forward and possibly come out to you IF he has come to terms with this himself, first. No doubt he has notions of masculinity that are completely incompatible with the idea of being gay, and given the environment he is in, the challenge seems insurmountable. You feel, and we know, that being closeted is a dark place, we know how positive it is to come out and live with integrity and the possibility of real love, but this is a struggle he needs to work out on his own. The bad news is...he may never. The only hope is that you can work on strengthening your relationship, through kindness and generosity. Send him a hand-written letter and offer your presence, suggest putting the past aside, confide in him a little about other issues you may have, seek his help for whatever. I'm the older brother to three sisters, one of whom is very ill, it is an instinct for brothers to protect their sisters, so ask for help on some matter, and see what he does. Your compassion is beautiful, let it shine on him and let him come to terms on his own, so that when he is ready, he knows that he can trust you.
Thanks for responding. Asking for his help with something is a fantastic idea. Especially because the dynamic of our relationship is reversed - my Dad put me in charge of everything in his will, and since he is unemployed, taking care of his financial needs. I try to downplay that fact as much as possible, as I know it must be difficult for him and his self-esteem is at a low ebb. I want to urge him to get a job, not only because it will become practically necessary at some point, but also I know it will greatly improve his self-image if he is contributing to his own support. I guess I'll think about writing him a letter, and I think your're right that mentioning his sexuality wouldn't be the best idea. And also try to build our relationship. Coming out, and being out for me has been pretty easy these past 25+ years. I can't imagine how hard it has been for him, and how frightening it all is. My heart just breaks for him. One bright spot, however, is that he's not involved in any kind of relationship with a woman, and has no children. So there's not that obstacle. Thanks again for your response.
You are being very compassionate sister to your brother. That is so admirable to see. My sister and I are very estranged, have been since she hit puberty. You should include him in decisions you make regarding his life. He may be in a fragile spot emotionally, but one thing he needs is a sense of self-ownership. Help him pick himself up. Don't do everything for him, make him responsible for his life. Be honest with him. You are worried about him and where he is in his life. You want to help but he has to want to stand up. Guide him, don't push or lead him. I can tell you from my short experience of interacting online socially with guys, there are all types out there. I'd bet he can find fishing and hunting buddies who are gay. I just found a guy who is addicted to playing Risk, and is hitchhiking across the country. We are all marvelously unique.
Any chance you know of some gay men friends of yours you can introduce him to? Someone he could see and talk to who is out and happy with his life? Being closeted makes it VERY difficult to meet other gay people and interact openly with them. If he was friends first with someone, then he would have an understanding "first person" to come out to.
I would second Greatwhale's excellent advice here. Seems like a "Brokeback Mountain" kind of situation. This guy is deep in his shell, so the first thing you need to do is draw him out. I really like the idea of asking for his help on a project, ideally something that would involve repeated visits and interactions. Maybe something related to home improvement. If you know he's coming by there are more opportunities to engage with him, just get him talking. Show him your life as an openly gay woman. Possibly even have some friends over from time to time (openly gay men might be perceived as threatening initially so use caution). Good luck!
Hi jagel. I'm laughing to myself because when I read your original post yesterday I sincerely wished I had some profound idea or constructive perspective to offer. I was so happy to later read Greatwhale's response, the man was brilliant, as always. But when I got to nerdbrain's reply I just had to laugh. When I read your OP, my first thought was for you to buy him a copy of Brokeback Mountain. Welcome to EC - lucky for all of us, we've got all types - the ones that will help you resolve your issues, as well as the ones that will try to help you laugh at them. But in all seriousness, I wish you the best of luck with your brother. It's not an easy task to take on, helping a loved one to overcome themselves. I sincerely respect your care of and for him. He's lucky to have you.
My heart goes out to your brother. That's no way to live and I hope he can come to better terms with himself with time. I also think greatwhale's advice is really great. As much as you might like to charge in there and tackle it head on and try to fix things, ultimately it's not your battle. It has to be him. I know if someone had tried to openly 'break through' to me before I was ready, they would have been met with consistent denial at best, and possibly some real anger, and who knows where that might have lead. To me the best thing you can do is make sure he knows you're there for him as best you can, so that if he ever does get to the point where he wants to reach out to someone, he'll for sure know that you can safely be that person.
