Some you are familiar with my story. Gay fantasies regularly since 18, otherwise functionally straight, married for a year and half. Treated the gay stuff as an anxiety disorder for awhile, then went off my meds, started to feel the need to finally figure stuff out once and for all. I moved out of my apartment into a new place at the beginning of November. Lots of confusing feelings, missing my wife, no joy in "becoming gay" as of yet. Anyway, yesterday I was giving a talk and I wound up having dinner with one of the audience members. Beautiful girl, came specifically to hear me (how flattering!). Found myself quite attracted to her, in a very natural sort of way. Fantasized about her a few times over the past few days while masturbating. This was quite unexpected. I've really been focused on working on myself lately, going to therapy, exercising, some gay support groups, been building up to posting a gay dating profile on ******* -- definitely no efforts to date women. But after thinking it over and talking about it with a dear friend, I emailed her and and asked her out this weekend. She said yes. I'm excited and pleasantly nervous about the date with this girl. But I'm also baffled to be having these feelings. None of this makes any sense to me. I feel like I'm being pushed around by inner forces I don't fully understand. It's almost like any direction I try to go, an alternate path presents itself. Am I just responding to someone's interest since I'm a bit lonely? Am I bisexual? What about my wife? What about coming out? I guess the advice I would give myself is "go with the flow, man." But I am very conscious of the pain my wife is feeling, and the need to truly address my gay feelings. Anyone have any advice?
I hesitate to speculate, but it could very well be bisexuality, and why not? One thing you are for sure is lonely, and you are not living with your wife. Yes, go with the flow, this is a time to explore who you are, but not at the expense of a woman who may have things in mind other than being an experiment for you. So be careful, everyone deserves respect and any interactions you may have with her must be genuine and sincere.
Maybe you're not entirely gay. I was with my girlfriend for almost 3 years, and sometimes I find myself attracted to girls too sometimes. About 2 months ago I almost slept with 2 different girls but in the end, after moments of reflection, I just decided against it. Maybe you're like that. I consider myself about 85-90% gay. Gay enough that I'm gay, not bi, but not completely gay.
your reactions all sound pretty normal for someone who has gone through so much change! stay attentive to your reactions, and what you're reacting to. As has already been said, bi is a definite possibility. note how you react sexually to her. compare it to how you react sexually to men. also note the emotional reactions. maybe you can sense what is different and what is the same about how you react to men. reflect on what emotional needs and connections she fills for you, and how you try to connect with her. and then compare that to how you connect with men. the flattery of someone coming just to hear you must have been very powerful. That need for affirmation might be pretty strong right now, and looking at that might open up some other lines of discernment. no answers here, just some points for reflection as you try to figure out what questions you should be asking yourself, as you try to walk through the encircling fog. And then, just give it a rest and enjoy the experience!!! Good luck!
This is interesting. It does sound like you may well be bisexual. From what you've said before your sex life with your wife was good and fulfilling. For most on here who come out as gay, sex with women has been problematic and unfulfilling. I think Greatwhale said to you before that you will definitely know if you are gay if you really entertain the possibility. This is what has happened to me. It sounds like you are allowing the possibility and you still definitely don't know/still attracted to women. Go with it, and be honest with yourself.
Give it time, do not rush anything, and please do not ever build a long term relationship with either a woman or a man without being conscious about your feeling and truthful to yourself about your future desires. In my experience, our sexual orientation do not dramatically change in time. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I spoke about this with my brother yesterday and he also suggested that going on a date was fine but that sex should be off the table right now if it comes up, since I am still married and still have feelings for my wife. I'm fine with that, though there is definitely an adolescent part of me that seeks the sexual conquest. I'm working at a client's office today and it is crawling with young, attractive girls. I feel like a kid in a candy store. I've never really felt this way before, even before I got married. It's strange. I read the posts on EC and I have so much identification with them, and deep empathy for many of the people here and their struggles. I've struggled mightily myself with my own gay feelings -- they led to me years of depression and addiction. Now I'm experiencing some kind of mini-resurgence of a straight adolescence? I know that many gay men have a second adolescence after coming out, but this? Of course it's easy to follow where my immediate lust signals lead (women right now), and it certainly is much more agreeable to my ego than dealing with the gay stuff. But my wiser brain is troubled by this sudden turn of events, and suspicious of the timing.
Here's where I think you are, and where I have been. When I was in denial, and married, the thought of a dalliance with another woman was indeed a prospect that I would have entertained when my marriage had already fallen apart...until the day and moment that I came out to myself, right up to the very last second, I still thought that all I needed to do was to find and marry the "right" woman. Is your interest in her because this is a someone new and you know what to do with a woman and the prospect of someone new is in itself exciting? Or is it a way to reinforce staying where you are; despite all the other troubling signals from that deep underground well of same-sex desire you have shared with us? You started this thread with "Gay fantasies regularly since 18". Two things about this: 1) "Fantasy" was my favourite go-to word for describing my attractions, like it was some sexual kinkiness that I indulged in...plus I never bothered, or more accurately, avoided calling it anything other than that. Calling it a fantasy is also pernicious for another reason: it precludes the possibility that same-sex relationships can be anything other than just sex. 2) "Regularly" is a very significant term, because orientation is nothing if not persistent.
another question to ask yourself is if you would be willing to tell this woman about your same sex experiences and inclinations. If not, then you may be just heading down another path of lies, secrecy, and repressed sexuality. It's one thing getting married before you know yourself well enough; but getting married to someone after we figured it out, and not telling them, is something different. Here's a personal anecdote. When I had been married for about six years, an attractive woman made a hard, aggressive pass at me. She fucked my brains out for about nine weeks. I thought that it was an affirmation that I was really straight, and that it was really just a lack of sex that was my problem. I told my wife about it, filed divorce papers, and thought that I would just fuck myself into a straight and happy life. well, when she was done with me, I didn't go out looking for another woman. I had this huge explosion in the volume of gay sex. and I didn't go through with the divorce. At least I didn't marry this other woman and add another layer of complication to my life, which would eventually have taken me back to where I started. I have read on a variety of sites that 20% of gay men are capable of regular sex. My sex drive has always been high, but when i was young it was so high that I could fuck anything. That makes things hard to figure out. But with 20/20 hindsight, I can say that my hope and desire for being straight was so high that I would grab at any straw. But in MY case, wishing didn't make it so.
Again, thanks everyone for your input. Greatwhale, I don't know how you find time to do anything else given how much time you spend helping people on this site I'm not interested in a relationship with this girl or anyone else at the moment. My plan is to go on our date (if she confirms) and see where it goes. I'll tell her I'm separated of course and that may put the brakes on things naturally. At the same time my therapist is urging me to find a way to experiment with a guy on my own terms. It really is time I confronted my fears about gay sex. I'm still thinking through the logistics but there is a plan in the works. I realize this is working at cross purposes and yet somehow it makes sense.
So I just wrapped up my date with the aforementioned girl. We went to a museum, then a cafe, a walk in the park, and back to my new apartment -- very romantic and natural. At my place, we kissed and made out a bit but something was off. I was turned on, but she seemed ambivalent; she wanted to cuddle instead, which I was OK with at the time. We talked a lot. I kept trying to turn her on as we were cuddling but she wasn't responsive. I was relieved when she left. I rationalized it as the fact that it was a first date and maybe she was just getting comfortable. But after she left I realized what utter bullshit that is -- if a woman comes home with a man and gets intimate but doesn't have sex, something is wrong. This is New York City, we are in our mid-30s, not kids fumbling around. I had a similar experience some years ago before I was married and it really threw me. I've also had experiences where, in retrospect, I realized that women had been attracted to me but I had blundered and missed the opportunity. These failures with women make me feel that I'm not man enough, impotent, and I am ashamed to admit how angry this makes me. I don't want to be a safe and nurturing guy for women, a gay best friend. I must admit that being sexually powerful as a straight man is a key part of how I want to see myself: the idea of losing that (or at least giving up on pursuing that ideal) is very hard for me to accept. But there it is, history repeating itself. I've gone through denial, bargaining, and depression. Maybe this is the anger phase of grieving my lost identity. On the other front, I have made an appointment with another male escort here on Monday night, a fairly well-established guy who has kind of a spiritual approach which is very appealing to me. I feel like I am ready to take the plunge. I've exhausted all my other options and will approach this experience with as open mind and heart as possible. Thank you all for reading; I am so grateful to have EC as a forum when I can't sit with these feelings by myself.
nerdbrain, there are a lot of reasons that a woman wouldn't want to have sex, that have nothing to do with "not being man enough." Who knows, maybe she is dealing with her own feelings of uncertainty about her sexuality, and is trying to be straight but can't get excited by men. stranger things have happened. or pms, or periods, or not wanting to jump in bed until she knows a guy better. if you are attracted to women and want to find one to go to bed with, it will happen. if you are attracted to men and want to find one to go to bed with, that will happen too. you can pay for it, or you can find people who just want it as much as you do. social networking sites can help with that too. If you can get it up, then you're obviously not impotent. and being gay is definitely not about "not being man enough." besides not wanting to see you run yourself down, that makes me feel like I'm being run down -- my being gay is not about not being man enough, it's about my being gay. whatever you are, straight, gay, or bi, the "man enough" thing is a separate issue. don't be hard on yourself, just be open to a variety of experiences, friendships, and relationships.
I'm going through something similar. I have come to accept that I need to explore my sexuality further, and all the rest of it will fall into place after that. I've tried to park everything else and i'll deal with it if and when I have to. I'm trying to look at this as a very healthy and mature move whatever the end result. Good luck with the escort. Hope it goes well.
In a way, I don't think that what happened here is because you may be gay, or that you are giving an "off" vibe. Not saying it's impossible, many women can pick up on such things, but it may have to do with a greater trend. Many relationships are born merely out of a need to not be alone, it seems as if the passionate, sexual part of getting together has taken a back seat of late. Many people aspire to no more than cuddling. In that sense, almost anyone will do...there's a tremendous fear of intimacy and commitment out there (it's not just a guy thing) and maybe New York City is particularly prone to that trend, given the often transitory nature of connections that are made there.
