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Friends - Before and After Coming out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OnTheHighway, Nov 19, 2014.

  1. OnTheHighway

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    I was just reflecting on my relationship with friends and some differences I noticed with those friendships I had before I came out (i.e. when I was straight), and those friendships I developed after I came out.

    Prior to coming out, when I think about the core group of friends I had, either those I maintained through the years from school (not included those that I might have had more intimate relationships with when I was still in the closet), those that I had from work, or those that I develop through other social activities, I now look back and think how something was always missing from those friendships. As I was not being completely honest with myself, somehow, I might have never connected with them completely; and often felt that I had developed a friendship without having the necessary commonality. Having done so, I resigned myself to relationships that were not totally fulfilling or satisfying.

    When I look at the friends I have been developing having since come out, whether they are gay or straight friends, I now find myself able to develop relationships with people that I feel I have more in common with, or I seem to now have a greater ability to find common areas of interested to the extend none are necessarily apparent. As a result, the friends I am developing today seem to be significantly more personally satisfying than those that I developed previously.

    Curious if others have experienced a similar dynamic?
     
    #1 OnTheHighway, Nov 19, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2014
  2. jnr183

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    One thing I have noticed is that -with people who have met me as 'gay'- I find it much easier to be more fully honest with them about pretty much everything.
     
  3. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Definitely a similar experience. Before coming out earlier this year, I was so emotionally withdrawn from myself I barely had functional friendships, or really any kind of functional relationships with anyone, period. Sure there were people I would converse casually with in various settings -- work, church, school, neighborhood -- but no matter how often I'd interact with someone I was always feeling detached from myself, and constantly "on guard" so that I'd not inflect my voice and "sound gay", or wave my hands somehow that would come across as "gay", or phrase something that would lead someone to question my "straight cred."

    After coming out and recovering from the initial shock of fresh air outside the bunker, I find that while I'm still somewhat reserved in a new social setting, I am much more capable of engaging socially with new people and have reached out on occasion to see what friendships I'm capable of fostering without the baggage of the past.
     
  4. Choirboy

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    I've become more open and friendly in a couple ways. Firat, I am less reserved and shy because I don't feel the need to put on a show of being straight, as others have said. I'm still not always comfortable but it has more to do with just being an introvert at heart. (Some people might disagree there, but it's true!) But I'm also more apt to make contacts and friends because I've stopped letting my wife call all the shots. I really did use her as one of my closet walls, and my friends were really her friends, and the show I put on was as much to fit in with her life as it was to hide my own. And I was social only when it worked for her--which was basically never. Now I'm able to be myself with people who have nothing to do with her, and I'm far more at ease and relaxed.
     
  5. Wildside

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    CB, your description of how you were is a good description of how I am now. So I can only hope that your description of how you are now might describe how I will be one day. That part about not making contacts and friends, letting your wife call the shots, and your friends were really her friends is a good description of my life. I don't really have any of my own friends any more, which is very isolating. That show of being straight takes so much energy. I'm trying not to do that quite as much. The more I act like I really am, the closer I think I come to becoming who I really am. thanks for sharing your story. It gives me another sliver of hope, and chips away another flake of brick from the closet wall.
     
  6. StephenB

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    I know exactly how you feel. The friends I had prior to coming out, I liked them but was never that close. Those now, I feel I am able to be my full self. Some of which are gay, some are bi, some are straight. But I feel as though I have connected better with them :slight_smile: .
     
  7. LittleLionGirl

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    I'm in the midst of weighing all of those relationships.

    There are those that - prior to coming out - I knew would never accept my truths. And for the most part, those were pretty spot-on. Ironically enough, the ones I expected to most easily and warmly accept me have been the biggest disappointments. And yet there are others, newly minted friendships developed in the midst of my own personal turmoil that have most pleasantly surprised me, in both their ease and acceptance.

    Despite them riding the crazy tidal wave of my emotions throughout my self-discovery, dissolution of my hetero-marriage and coming out right there along with me, they have held true. I would expect most people to run for the hills when faced with the wild ride of dealing with me through all that, but they have - pretty much to a one - been my strongest supporters and sources of comfort & normality.

    I think, as other posters have suggested, it's the honesty that opens the barriers. I continue to be astounded by the responses I receive when I'm honest and open with people. Once I've shared my situation, for the most part they seem to relax visibly and become much more open themselves. Perhaps they perceive my honesty as a vulnerability (though it's not to me - I could care less who knows) and then feel at liberty to allow themselves to be more vulnerable? Or maybe it's simply the old adage about loving yourself before anyone else can truly love you.

    No matter what, it's nice to realize that there's yet another perk to becoming our authentic selves, isn't it?
     
  8. Wildside

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    I'm still in the closet, and I don't have any real friendships. Just superficial relationships, and I've moved lots of time in my life. I guess that is because it has never felt safe to let anyone in to the real me. If I ever do have the courage to really come out, I guess there won't be a lot of loss from the "before" friends because I have avoided there being any that would create any great loss. not intentionally, but that's what's happened. it has made me more isolated, which is bad and makes what I'm going through harder. I don't run in the right circles for being around people who would understand or help or be like me. but I know that I need to change that, I need to have friends with whom I can share all of this. and if I can make some friends like that while I am still on this side of the river, then maybe I'll still have them as my friends when I make it safely to the other side.
     
  9. Weston

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    I began making new friends five years ago, which is when I began to have sex within my own orientation. Most of my new friends started as sexual partners — the friendships came later. Eventually I developed a friendship with a sexual partner that evolved into a full-blown relationship. It was that friendship/relationship that propelled me toward coming out.

    In the course of my coming out I had the support and advice not only of my lover but of this whole cohort of wonderful gay men who were (and still are) my friends. Whereas in the past I had always found it difficult to make friends, once I ventured into the gay community, my friendships just seemed to fall effortlessly into place.