hello friends need opinions please

Hi Jeffrey. Welcome to EC! It's good to have you hear. I'm John. And I can totally understand your situation and sympathize. I can only share my own experiences. Perhaps you might identify with one of them. It can be really hard to figure out our sexual identity. I guess it might not matter so much were it not for the fact that it affects other people. I'm 58, and I didn't figure out that I was gay until four years ago. I was gay all along, I just didn't connect the dots. Finally, I realized that the reason I kept having sex with men, no matter how hard I tried to "be good," and the reason I always had to fantasize about men to be able to perform with my wife was that I am gay. Not straight, not bi, but gay. There were a lot of reasons that I wanted to be straight, it has it's advantages. I tried hard, and would go for extended periods without having sex with men, but I would always "fall" back into my own ways. So all of this is just to say that despite pretty clear evidence staring me in the face, it took a long time for me to figure it out. When I was in high school there was no such thing as lgbt parties, and no acceptance of being gay, but nevertheless I was. Freshman year I was always sporting an erection in the boys' locker room. It was just too much being around all those swinging dicks and not having a reaction, over which I had no control early on. It took me much longer to get to the point of kissing, but once I did, wow. You're still young, so there will be a bizzillion opportunities. The question is how long you can hide it from your wife. It got harder for me the longer I pretended. And it takes effort to pretend. It gets exhausting. and for me, it led to depression and constant anxiety. I am grateful for the children who came from my marriage, and absolutely have no regrets on that score. but if I had figured this out 40 years ago, I never would have got married. That just would not have been fair to her, to have used her in that way. The one thing that I think I can say with some degree of certainty is that the sexual orientation that we have at age 29 is not going to change. ever. so the question of what to do next has to always keep that one factor in mind. but you are in a good place in this forum, and you will hear from a lot of different people, their experiences and perspectives. we all share some common experiences, we all support you, and I can say that I am very happy that you have the courage to come hear and tell your story.

 

When I was in high school and thought I was Bi, in retrospect now having come out to myself, I used that label on myself to avoid having to admit I was gay. Did I find girls attractive back then? I did a bit, but now I believe that had more to do with my confused state than any real attractions.

Based on what you have stated, there are notions that I believe in based on the figure of speeches - "the grass is always greener on the otherside" or "you always want what you can not have". Maybe your experiencing a bit of this? Or maybe, there is something more significant your working through.

You do not mention iwhether you are attracted to women. All you mention is your feelings for wanting to explore sex with a guy given you have not done anything more than kiss and make out. Do you find woman attractive and sexually arousing as well? Or are you just attracted to or have sexual desires with guys?

Maybe you would benefit by asking yourself these questions in the first instance and see where that leads you?

 

I find some women attractive but not for sex, when my thoughts exceeds physical admiration or beauty to sex I get shut down quickly, but with men it is never the same. I've probably introduced myself to you on another forum, but I'm married, have kids and I'm 49, still in the closet. But I do not deny that I started my marriage trying to convert myself to be straight, and at certain points I started to make myself believe that I'm bisexual, since my sexual interaction with my wife was successful in most cases, but then, I failed to confront the truth of that I wouldn't think of her for sex unless I was in dire need for it .. it's like saving my desires for her. But feeling for someone is one thing and actually enjoy engaging in a sexual relationship with him/her is a totally another thing. Again, I've never kissed or touched another man, but it is hard for me to keep my reaction hidden when I admire one .. I've never found myself doing that with another women, even my wife.

 

You have not said anything about how you feel about your wife, or whether you are aroused by the thought of having sex with her, as you appear to have when thinking about having sex with men. That is a pretty good indication of where your sexuality is emotionally. Most men can become aroused with physical stimulation, and have sex with women, they just don't want to if they are gay. Since you are trying to decide what your orientation is, you need to consider whether you are aroused, at least by your wife if not women in general, to answer the question of whether you are gay or bi; you clearly seem to be one or the other, not completely straight. Now is the time to be fully introspective and honest about your feelings about her, not about how you WANT to feel about her, but how you DO. Think about it, then tell us; you are anonymous here; no one will try to shame you whichever way it is.

 

wow, lostandsearching, I'm right in touch with what you said about appreciating female beauty but not for sex. I like to look at a pretty face or an attractive woman, but that definitely doesn't make me bi; because I always looked at it like being the dog that chases the car. If he ever were to catch it, he wouldn't know what to do with it. And what you said about having to keep the stimulation up. When we're in our 20's, stimulation of the organ is often all it takes, though for me I have always had to accompany it with gay fantasies. and like you said, break the spell and the body drops back into neutral. My wife always said that I would f*** a broomstick, and she was kind of on target with that in a sense. But as I got older, it eventually got to the point where I just couldn't fake it with her, or have any real interest in even trying with any woman. I guess that was a good indicator for me that I wasn't straight, I wasn't bi, but I was most definitely gay. I guess you have to hit me in the head with a sledgehammer for me to open my eyes! So, I don't know if I've helped you any, but I have to tell you that you have helped me identify where I've been and where I'm at now. thanks!

 

Hi lostnsearching and welcome! Like you I am married with kids as well but married much longer and have more kids. Like you, I do appreciate a woman's beauty but I am no longer sexually attracted to them. I certainly used to be but that all changed 5 years ago when I had sex with a man for the first time (and not so much the sex, which was incredible but more the way he kissed me, I literally melted in his arms). It was definitely a "lightbulb moment" for me. Not saying everyone who's questioning should do that but it certainly did the trick for me. I haven't questioned my sexuality since.

Good luck to you and keep us posted!

@Wildside: I've read your posts over and over again. They really speak to me man.

 

thanks for the affirmation, TT2. Yours have the same impact on me. as for the kissing, yeah, I would say that definitely sealed the deal for me. I think that if kissing a man sends you over the moon, you may be gay. I think that straight guys aren't much into kissing other men.

 

Hi Jeffrey,
If you are Bi, and have attraction for guys sometimes but at the same time, the connection with your wife means more to you than exploring that, then everything's fine, because not all feelings we have, need to be experienced or acted upon. It can be a matter of, 'what means more to you?' I mean, even straight guys will look at other women than their wife, feel attraction, but not feel the need to ever act upon it. Feelings are just feelings.

If you are actually gay, then it's more complicated, I guess. In any case know that sexuality isn't black and white, there are more shades even than just terms such as 'straight', 'bisexual' and 'gay'.

 

Very well put Damien, it would be a matter of respect, not only to the other(s), but to our own dignity and self. It is a commitment that we made at a certain point of time, given a certain set of factors that we were witnessing, and we have, as human beings, to first respect what we put others (and ourselves) into based on our decision. There will be no direct bail-out of this long-term commitment without sacrifices, after all, we made a sacrifice (with or without knowing it) when we got married in the first place.

 

I just wanted to say I feel your pain. Everything you have said is almost identical to what I have going on in my life. I am 28, married, and too have a 2yo son. I just posted my situation and hope to gain some more understanding here as well. If you’re feeling anything like me, a clear answer to these felling couldn’t come sooner I’m sure. Good Luck to you.