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Dropping expectations about life might help?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Damien, Nov 20, 2014.

  1. Damien

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    If I focus on what I don't have in my life - for example, a sexual partner - I can get pretty miserable. But if I drop the idea that this wish must be fulfilled, let go of any expectations regarding life and just try to survive the next half of my life with as much happiness, and as little misery, as possible, well then life might be more tolerable. I suspect that at my age, the chances of meeting someone diminish with each year. I've had sexual partners sure, but I've never been in love with the person I'm being sexual with...I wonder what that is like?...but maybe just be grateful to live in a basically free country where I don't have to dodge bombs or bullets, have a roof over my head, and access to clean water and food to eat? Not everyone gets to fulfill their dreams. We see this in life often. But if we were to drop the expectation that all wishes must be fulfilled...maybe then if they don't, or don't ever get fulfilled, we won't suffer nearly as much. I'm beginning to see that life, which looked like a feast as a younger man, is now beginning to look more like a test of endurance. An exercise in 'pain minimization'. I'm wondering if any other mid-lifers are noticing the scales fall off the eyes at some stage regarding this thing called, 'life'.
     
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    don't give up on your dreams! I'm in that mid-life, or maybe moving a bit beyond it. And I can get really discouraged, particularly about not having come out yet. Not having any relationship is better than being trapped in a bad relationship. Wow, I can't believe what I just wrote. I guess I really envy you. The happiest I've been in the past twenty of thirty years was when I had to spend a couple months at a professional course in a city far enough away from home that I was on my own, living in a furnished apartment. I was so happy, and able to really enjoy life (and sex!!!). I would prefer that to my current situation any day. and I can really feel like I am condemned to live this current situation for the rest of my life. But I still have hope. Maybe what falls away at mid-life are our own manufactured dreams of what happiness would be. But that's good news, because it opens us up to allow real happiness to enter our lives. just my thoughts for what they're worth.
     
  3. Damien

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    I can see that is true. I've had happiness that flowed from within before (that was not so dependent on external conditions), just from working on myself and my own state of mind. That was back when I meditated every day. I was quite devoted back then. Currently I'm going through a 'dark night of the soul' and find it hard to meditate like that; it seems like a huge effort. But I appreciate your valid advice. What is happiness, anyway? A good question.
     
    #3 Damien, Nov 20, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2014
  4. Wildside

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    Ah, a student of John of the Cross, my patron saint. Yeah, I'm in a bit of a dark night of my own. So we're not alone! Already a ray of hope, no?
     
  5. skiff

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    Hi,

    Happiness is odd. Some find physical pleasure in pain.

    I wonder if some find emotional comfort in emotional pain, in drama, in conflict...

    Meditation is great from the standpoint of being able to evaluate and examine thoughts as "things" delivered up which can be tossed out. You get to say "WTF Where did that come from? Don't need that".

    Meditation allows you to learn to be mindful of the thoughts you choose to hold or toss.

    Sure the lesser thoughts return but they can be tossed again.

    You have to be mindful of the mind. Be sure to empty the trash.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    You pose an interesting question. Prior to coming out, I thought I had everything, a great spouse, great kids, decent living standards, hobbies to keep me busy on the weekends. From the outside, it would have appeared that I had everything including the white picket fence - and this was everything I had expected and set my goals on in life. What I did not have, was happiness. And it took me a very long time to realize that.

    Thereafter, I lived on my own for a bit, had a boyfriend for a bit, then lived on my own once again. I actually found a lot of comfort being on my own. And even alone, I was happy simply because I was able to my true to myself. I had concluded, as you are debating with yourself, that I would be perfectly happy being single; even if that was for the rest of my life.

    By pure chance, without looking, I happened to find my current partner; that was a year ago.

    You and I are of a similar age. For sure we have taken different paths in life. My recommendation, be happy with everything you do have, but keep an open mind, you never know what comes your way.
     
  7. Choirboy

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    I think that we often get the most misery out of situations where we're trying to control the uncontrollable, instead of improving what we can and accepting what we can't. Or when we try to plan life instead of living it. Or when we lose the balance between what can be and what we want to be.

    There's a big difference between giving up on your dreams and adjusting them. One of the things that drove a wedge between my wife and me, which eventually led to my realization that I'd be happier chancing a gay life in middle age than staying with her, was the fact that no matter what good thing came about in our life together, she never got any joy out of it because her dreams of lavish vacations and a perfect happy family and more were never being fulfilled. She largely sabotaged her own happiness by focusing on what she wanted but didn't have, instead of on the really positive things that she did have. In the end, it cost her a husband who was more than willing to spend the rest of his life in the closet to make her happy, and it's gradually eroding her relationship with our children, who are realizing that they'll never be the dream kids she wants. Very sad.

    If your dreams aren't coming true, you also have the option of dreaming new ones, dreams that may have a little more basis in the reality of where you are now, and who you are now. I came from a large and supposedly happy extended family and I thought as a child that having about 8 kids would be the greatest thing in the world, because I saw only the positive aspects of it from my young viewpoint. As I've gotten older, I've realized that I was missing a few major points of reality in that dream, and while there's a part of me that still thinks it would have been great to have a bunch of kids, and regrets not having them, I've adjusted that idea because reality has shown me that there are a lot of negative factors that could have come with that dream as well, and it might not have been as wonderful as I originally thought.

    Every day is a new opportunity to evaluate what you want out of life, potentially readjust your expectations, and create a new and more attainable set of dreams for yourself. As long as you continue to strive to improve what you can, you're going in the right direction. Dreams aren't necessarily a destination as much as they are a direction. A lot of what happens in reality is what you make of it.

    Funny story about a guy who was bargaining with God because he was in financial trouble and wanted to win the lottery to take care of it. He prayed, and God finally said "Yes my son, you will will the lottery". Week after week, nothing happened and the man finally prayed again, "Lord, you said I'd win the lottery, and nothing has happened. Why? Why? Are you angry with me? What's wrong?" And God replied, "My son, I said you will win the lottery, and you shall. But meet he halfway here. Buy a ticket!"

    Don't give up. But don't be afraid to adjust your dreams, or dream new ones. And for goodness sake, make sure you buy a ticket.
     
  8. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    Wow! That's a real epiphany for me! I'll rest with that thought for a ling time. Thanks.