(egads. Just seen how long this is! Prize for anyone who gets through it.) I have a friend (or maybe I don't) who has become a bit of a mystery to me and I wonder if anyone can decipher whatever this has become. Thanks. Here's the (non-romantic) story. A bunch of years ago I began some music lessons. The teacher was a local professional performer. She had a sunny personality, was an extremely good teacher and we had similar senses of humour - more or less and were close in age. After a short while, she suggested we should be friends. I sort of ignored that suggestion because I never really did friends very well and I was more interested in the music. Anyway, after a while we did become friendly, hanging out away from the lessons wth another adult student of hers. Doing craft things, biking, whatever. I went to every local concert she gave. I love this type of music and was pleased to be able to support her and enjoy the music. All good. Fast forward. I developped a (pain-free) problem with my hand that prevented me from playing like I'd been able to before so I stopped taking formal lessons but continued to be friends with her. She even invited me to play for her once in a while to see how I was coming along - never asking to be paid but I would pick up the tab next time we went for a meal. I then took up another activity (let's say yoga, but it wasn't) with another teacher in an effort to help my hand recover. The "yoga" teacher was also a professional musician but not the same insturment. Every once in a while I would play for her (yoga teacher) but her instructions were always about my hand and not the playing. I felt a bit weird talking to my friend about my new lessons but did it every once in a while because I hoped she would be interested/happy that I might be making progress in a recovery. I was never sure how she felt so didn't bring it up often. Still later on, my friend got seriously sick (she's fine now) and I like to think that I was a good friend during this time. At one point, she had to start giving herself injections and I miraculously put aside my fear of hospitals and needles to go with her to the hospital so they could teach her how to inject herself (all the while looking away and having the nurse ask me if I was ok - yup, let's just do this). She had to inject twice a day and I had her call me after she had done the one later that evening and then went to her house the next day to be with her while she did the next one. I'm not saying I'm great but it was me that did that and not one of her dozen or so siblings. It also seems that her common-law husband didn't go to any of her doctor's appointments the whole time she was sick. Which was for mooooooonths. He did buy her a slew of drugs off the internet. She told me that when she told the doctor he was quite abrupt about throwing all those out. I patiently explained to her that the doctor was right. Her prescriptions were scientifically devised specifically for her condition and the her husband's only qualifications for taking care of her were that he loved her. Not to choose her medication… She seemed to understand and begrudgingly agree. After some more time, my hand is starting to improve. I'm with a new "yoga" teacher recommended by the first one because she's moved away and the new one plays my instrument. I ask him if I can have yoga-flavoured music lessons. He's totally fine with this and turns out to be very cool and while he's not experienced in the same genre of music I'm doing, he is genuinely complimentary about my playing and interested in figuring out how to use the yoga in different ways to help me get better. About this time, I start to notice that my friend is starting to call, email or text me less and less. She's got a very busy work schedule but has always told me about her concerts before but now when I do hear from her, she mentions them in the past tense. I'm also starting to compare her to my new teacher and starting to wonder if much of her enthusiasm was faked. I'm not quite sure what's going on. Well, obviously, I'm not. I had, on occasion, when she's mentioned the impending departure of some student, suggested I'd like to start up lessons again with her - maybe in the newly vacant slot. Each and every time this came up, she completely ignored my comment and talked about something else. Whatever. I can't figure out if she's jealous of my new teacher; he's getting my money and she isn't? But how could that be, I asked about studying with her again…. But, truthfully, now, I don't even want to. I've asked a few others who know her about this weird change in attitude about me but nobody is quite sure. They just think maybe she's not that great with people, after all. I'd hope that if I did something to upset her, she'd call me on it but I honestly can't think what it might have been. We never really saw eachother enough to have any fights. And I'm sure I would have remembered them if we did. So, is this how it ends? I keep thinking I should say, "Hey! Has something happened here that I'm too stupid to see?" But then I think, "Why hasn't she made any effort to repair this?" Maybe neither of us care enough? It's almost just academic now. But I'd sort of like to know so it doesn't happen again with someone who I think is a good friend. [Here's your prize: A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.’ The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’ ]
Firstly, the joke is lame Secondly, why not just ask her? I mean, you wouldn't lose anything, right? Assuming sth that has happnend and caused her change is not very clever in my opinion. You don't know what her reasons are or what she's thinking about it. The easiest way is to ask her in a decent way. I think... Good luck anyways [What is yellow and can't climb up a tree? -Wrong, a postbus] Add: communication is every problem's solution. At least I do hope so.
Hi Really! I've had a similar issue with a friend who just one day seemed to drop off the face of the planet. The last time I saw or heard from her, was 3 years ago, when we spent a week in Mexico to celebrate her birthday and then nothing. Like you, I cannot remember a single thing that would have caused her to cut all ties entirely without warning or comment. I know, from watching her facebook page and also from the slew of voicemail messages I've received when she's apparently butt-dialed me, that she's still alive and well, but no matter what I've tried, I cannot get her to respond to me. We live thousands of miles away from each other or I'd just ambush her in her driveway! And unfortunately we don't have any other mutual friends, so I've got no way to tell if it's just me or if she's doing this to everyone. I don't mean to make this about me, but wanted to give you my perspective. If there was any way I could get her to respond to me, without doubt I would ask, "Hey! Has something happened here?" (I'd leave off the stupid part - as should you, since you're obviously NOT) but no matter what I've tried - leaving voicemails, sending texts, emails, even snail-mail - she does not respond. So my recommendation to you is that if you do have the opportunity to ask, you should do so. Otherwise it'll continue to bug you indefinitely - even if only in an academic sense.
Hi LLG, thanks for your reply. Your story actually helped. This obviously is a thing that happens and I'm not going crazy. Phew. I guess I will have to approach her if I'm ever going to find out what happened. There may be an opportunity in about a month's time if I can pinpoint the day and time of some of her end-of-term activities. I just wondered if anyone had any insight so I could have some idea what might possibly be going on but I guess there's really no way to read people's minds, is there? Rats.
Hi Really!!! well first, and quite frankly, I think your joke is cute. now, I read through your whole story, which was an interesting read. I guess it kept my interest because I identified with your story. In my case, like yours, he was just a friend, not something sexual in any way (at least that's the impression I got from your story, unless I missed something). He initiated the friendship, and I guess I was a bit nervous about how enthusiastic he was, feeling that once he got to know me, he would go to the opposite extreme. We're both INFP on the Meyers Briggs scale, and I always think anyone who is like me will quickly lose interest. Well, it's progressed kind of like your story. different details but the same substance. I have considered asking if something was wrong, if I had done something, etcetera and whatever. We still have that regular (though less frequent) contact that you seem to have in your situation as well. So, I considered asking, but then figured if there was nothing really to it, then I would just feel like an ass and would have created even more distance. and if there is something to my suspicions, then what's the point? that's not advice, mind you, just my response to my situation. life can be complicated, but it is also interesting.
OMG! Exactly! (And you're right. Not sexual.) Well, now it would be interesting to know what each of our "friend's" problems are. Strangely, my friend was asked by someone who didn't know our history why I wasn't included in some activity and while it wasn't the time and place to go into it, she didn't even bother to approach me separately afterwards to explain. For those who need a new joke: What's the difference between an onion and an accordian? Nobody cries when you chop up an accordian.
thanks, REALLY, for the jokes. they make me laugh, and I really need that today (and most days lately). I guess for me it's pretty obvious that the friendship has waned. And I guess the reason won't make much difference. I'm not much used to having real friendships, and I don't think I can really be friends with someone unless I'm out to them (regardless of whether they are gay or straight or whatever); and otherwise, it will just be superficial like all the friendships in my life have been. Unless I can be that honest with someone, then it's an acquaintance, or an association, or a companion, or a lot of other things. But since I'm not out to this friend, as much as I enjoyed the friendship, I'm OK with things as they are. Sort of. In my case, like yours, the friendship started out with that same sort of imbalance in the relationship (just like student and teacher, and then becoming friends). I don't know if that is a factor. I mean, like the person in the "teacher" position feels that they are in a position of power in the relationship, and can take me or leave me as the feel like it. ride:ride:ride:
Well, Wildside, now you really are making me think I'd like to know what, if anything, went wrong here. The idea of imbalance and also not being out also made me think. Mind you, I didn't know this about myself until things really went sparse between us. But, it's true, ours was a pretty superficial relationship because much of the time I had to bite my tongue about all the, what I felt were, idiotic ideas her and her husband had about nutrition and health among other things. She was the teacher but in every other way I was more educated. So, very strange, indeed. How can you tell if a singer is at your door? They can't find the key and they never know when to come in.
I really LOVE your jokes!!! don't ever stop. It's funny how similar our experiences are in this friendship narrative. My experience is radically greater than this friend's experience, just as your education is greater than your "teacher." So I guess I should ask myself why I can let something like this get under my skin. Maybe when we make ourselves vulnerable in friendship, we open ourselves to getting hurt. So, should we be more selective or careful with our friendships? What I really long for is that deep, open friendship when I can allow myself to be vulnerable.
Now onto relationship advice, hmm. I guess friends come and go and it can happen to any of us, and you wonder where did that friendship go. One reason I got so much into EC was that I reading things that matched my experiences and I wondered did I do something wrong or was I just imagining things, so when you read others have had the same experience as you do, you feel a lot better. Sometimes friends would say things but their perspective wasn't the same as you but coming here read where you have exactly the same relationship or advice type problem.
