Hello everyone. I am a 28 y/o married father. I seem to be going through a quarter life crisis. Part of this is my coming to terms with my sexuality. I was raised in a family where being gay was followed by jokes of being hung in the back yard. From a young age I have always felt a strong attraction to other guys, and when "enjoying myself" I always find my mind wonders to men for arousal. I did mess around a few times when i was younger, but would always back away for fear of being found out and punished. Until now I have always been with woman. A few years ago we lived in AZ and had a few gay friends. We would go to clubs with them and I really started to fall hard for one of them, everytime we hung out together alone I would hope he would make a move. I never did for fear of rejection and him telling my wife. I do want to say that I do love my wife. I have recently told her about the few interactions I did when I was younger, but she just says that bc I love her, I must just be Bi. She is a beautiful woman, but for me the sex has just become about the end result. I truly don’t know what to think at this point. Am I Bi, or am I gay yet still too scared to admit it to myself? Even worse admit it to her and break her heart and our family. How do I really know? All I can think is that i need to have that experience to find out, How can i do that without cheating? She would die if i was honest and told her i wanted to explore these feelings. I know it sounds like I am putting her feeling before mine, but I don’t want to hurt her if I don’t have to.
Rdbrook23, you're in the right place. Many of us share similar experience. I'm gay, married for more than 20 years now and have two almost adult kids, I'm still in the closet because I failed to come to terms with myself early on in my life and chose to fight my urges towards men and play being straight. I'm 49yo and still struggling. I don't think that you need to cheat on your wife in order to explore whether you're gay or bi. I've never cheated on my wife with another man (or woman!). I tried to love her, and cannot deny that I have some feelings towards her, at least for being partners in life for such a long time, but I tried hard to convince myself during my marriage that this is working, sexually I mean. My wife is attractive, she is beautiful and smart, and this is what attracted me to her in the first place. But this is not enough to secure a healthy marriage, at least for me. Being gay or bi is not going to be determined simply by stating your love and admiration of your wife's personality, it goes beyond that. And you're the only one who would be able to determine that. Many of us here, when having sex with our wives, have our own ways of getting and remaining excited (fantasizing about men, having pills, or even refrain from any sexual activities for a long period (creative excuses) so that when time comes, it won't make a difference whether its a woman or not!), without which, in most cases, we fail to perform. In some cases, when we are not ready and forced to do it, some of us are even disgusted at the process. Others would really enjoy it and have nothing to complain about. I know that you clearly state that you love your wife, but I can also argue that you'd love many other people that you won't necessarily have sex with! It is up to you to decide how do you really feel towards your wife. but in the process, please let us try to help as much as we can. I cannot guarantee that I can personally be that useful since I'm still living in my own issues, but I'll do my best to be as positive as I should be.
Hey rdbrook23, welcome to EC! Well a quarter-life crisis is always better than a mid-life crisis...you are in a position to confront some pretty heavy stuff at an earlier age, so you have more time to recuperate... If we take an inventory of the "signs" from what you have posted, there are a few tells: 1) Mind wandering to men when "enjoying" yourself 2) Falling hard for a gay guy, outside or in addition to the sexual aspect 3) Sex has become about getting it over with (sorry to put it in such crass terms, but am I wrong?) Cheating is NOT the way to find out, apart from the "just plain wrong" aspect, you could end up with an idiot who doesn't know what to do, or give you an otherwise bad experience, including the "gift" of an STD. I and many others like me have stayed in our marriages for decades because we put our spouse's happiness before ours, or because causing so much pain was intolerable to us. A lot of this is our own self-concept: we simply can't reconcile our self-image as "nice" guys and doing something so painful to others. Contrary to what you wrote, I think you know who you are...but you are trying to find a way to live with integrity without the painful aspect that comes with getting there. Believe me, I know of what you speak, and yes, there has been a lot of pain and heartbreak for most of us, but there has also been a liberation that cannot adequately be described in words. Far be it from any of us to counsel divorce, you may have very good reasons to stay married, not the least of which is your child, and there may be money issues as well, but there is a tragic element to either road you take, and grieving will be necessary no matter what you decide. Lean on us for support, that's what this site is for!
Thank You bearheart. How do you do it though? I'm only 28 and I think to myself if i just keep hiding these feeling and do what is "right" for my wife and family I will be so upset with myself later on in life and filled with regret. If I truly feel like this could be what is missing in my life and it could really make me happy, how can i deny myself that. All while continuing to lie to my wife. Am I disrespecting her by thinking about someone else while we are intimate or when I am alone. Is that not cheating in itself? What I am really hung up on is my lacking desire for woman. I love my wife for who she is and all, but all I can think about these days are other guys! How am i to figure out my true sexuality without the experience?
Don't be scared from facing yourself. If there will be challenges based on the truth then you'll need to deal with them in whatever way(s) available to you; continuing to hide it, or facing it and come out. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and the way we were raised to disrespect or demonize gays was never correct nor fair, so do not let your background and how people around you think about gays .. it's all about you now, what do YOU feel, what will make you happy? if there was an incorrect decision that we made earlier in our life that we should have the right to correct it .. it's never too late, but how? it'll always be difficult, because it now touches other dear lives. As greatwhale put it; we've putting this off because "..we put our spouse's happiness before ours, or because causing so much pain was intolerable to us" .. which is the main reason many of us cannot do it or are delaying it for the right moment. From my own experience, my original love and admiration to my wife faded with time, especially with all family challenges we face, this love diminished and dealing with my wife now is becoming more of a routine. Which is painful to me to know that I'm living a lie every day, sacrificing my happiness, and I know that I could be better off somewhere else. Everyone's situation would be different, your love to your wife might continue and increase to a level where, to you, sex won't be an issue (Utopian thinking?), but, to me, I'm not an angel and my wife is not a goddess!
Wow, thank you both so much. I have so much to figure out. I just dont see how i can have my cake and eat it too. I want so much to be sure and know that whatever decision i make will be the right one. That any pain felt will be for the right reasons. I think if i felt 100% on my sexuality i could make up my mind. Again thanks and any other advise will be much appriciated as well.
I honestly don't think you need to experiment to know that you are at least bisexual, but more likely gay. If you pay close attention to your feelings and instincts (which is how the majority of us on EC worked out our sexuality) you will see where things stand. Also read back what you have told us very carefully and it's self evident. Sex with your wife has become a means to an end with no real passion or desire and your attraction is increasingly leaning towards the same sex. Truth be told, it's always been that way. What is all of that telling you? It's understandable that you want 100% certainty when you consider the consequences, but I think the answers are contained within your postings.
Another question: How is everyone dealing with their wives? Mine is constantly using sex as a weapon saying that if I dont want to be romantic with her its bc I dont love her. I have admitted to all my feelings for men, even so far as to admit feeling like I would be verse and fantasies about bottoming, but i feel as long as i say im bi and still have feeling for woman she will expect a romantic relationship. :bang:
Well, when I had to perform my marital "duty", when young, it was relatively easy...Later, it became more difficult and I always wondered whether my equipment would live up to the challenge...it usually did to my surprise...stupid genitals! Still later, it became more difficult, we were always tired with the kids, so sex just became infrequent, slowly sliding into non-existent during the last five years of our marriage. As long as you are married and bi, she does have a right to expect sex...just part of the deal. Using sex as a topic of arguments or as a weapon is, however, ultimately self-defeating...just one big turn off...
I've stayed in the marriage to not hurt her or make her suffer, but honestly it brought me to depression, anxiety, and exhaustion from constantly pretending. As far as sex, in my early twenties I was both in denial and easily excited (sexually), but it wasn't long until the only way to perform was with fantasies about men. eventually that didn't work and we stopped having sex. but I look at our life together after 35 years of marriage, and I can see how my not wanting to hurt her has meant that she has spent her life not knowing that she is married to a gay man, instead of having had the freedom to find what she really needed. though, I have read on those "straight spouse blogs" that a lot of women end up getting into series of marriages to gay men. they wonder what it is about them that seeks out men like that, though the other spouses tell them it's just bad luck. I admire all the righteous people here who never cheat on their wives. but for me, as hard as I've tried, it just ain't worked that way. feel free to condemn me, god knows I've done a lot of that. but it's left no doubt in my mind about my sexuality. good luck!
Hello rdbrook23! I spent 37 years in a marriage that was suppose to fix me. When I first came out at 16 I was rejected by my mother. I went into the recesses of a dark, deep closet. Two years ago I finally came out again. A huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders. The only thing that I regret was hurting my ex. Our relationship is amicable, but only one of my children will speak to me. I refuse to take the burden of their issues with me on my shoulders. I was always there for all of them, through the good and the bad. The marriage ended in dissolution and now I can be truly happy. I lost so much time and so much of myself!! Am lonely at times and have self-esteem issues. I hope to find encouragement from other, especially on this site. I have received some excellent advice from others just tonight, on my first day.
Hi, Define cheating? Cheating on your wife vs cheating yourself vs not being honest and cheating the marriage and the happiness of both you whether together or apart? Is cheating simply about extramarital sex? This festers and does not get better with time on the shelf. Tom
interesting. and let me add something to that, something I read somewhere or other. and that is the question, "Is it cheating if you have no sexual relationship with your spouse? and if so, what are you cheating them out of?"
