Confused. Frustrated. Depressed.

Fantasies are thoughts we have because we would never actually do them. You have to know if you need to be with a man. Open yourself up to men and discover them and yourself. This takes courage. But it can be done because I'm doing it. Take heart and explore your feelings. Let them guide you. You're asking all the right questions.it is more difficult in southern tradition but if you're discreet it can be done. Courage.

 

Hi,

If you never tasted chocolate your mouth does not water at the sight of it.

You have bi or gay predilections but have never tasted the forbidden fruit. That will change with experience.

I am gay, and I can see men naked in the lockeroom and not get aroused and it doesn't mean I am not gay.

I can feel for your sense of losing control, being emasculated and needing a hall pass.

Give it time.

 

I can totally relate to everything you just stated from the female perspective. I am from a middle class Catholic home in the Midwest. I have gone to Catholic school my entire life. When I was young it was all about the boys...until high school. At the age of 14 I feel in love with my best friend--who is female. I then spent the past twenty years struggling with those feelings. At first I just convinced myself that it was just her, I was in love with her and that my need to love a woman/to be with a woman did not go past her beautiful smile. But the past year I have been in therapy and have come to terms not only with my relationship with her (she is no longer in the picture I believe because she cannot deal with her feelings for me) but also my sexuality. I am definitely bi. I appreciate the beauty of both genders. I have never been with a woman (my relationship with my fantasize about it. I would love the chance to be. I am open with my husband that I am definitely attracted to women. He loves the idea that I am attracted to women and tells me all the time that he is more than open to the idea of bringing a woman into the bedroom with us. Of course I want that, however my issue is I want the emotional connection, not just the sex. With the emotional connection and the sex that definitely makes it cheating, to me it does, even though he would be there. I love the connection with a woman. It is like no other. But I have accepted that I want to stay married to my husband. I have two children. Small ones. This urge, this need to be with a woman...this ache never goes away for me. Being with a woman it my ultimate fantasy. I am bi. My husband, therapist, one close friend and the amazing people here are the only ones who know. I don't need to tell anyone else.

Now the part about sharing with your wife...You sound similar to me, your thoughts and fantasies...so you may be bi. But you have to make the choice for yourself whether or not pursuing this part of yourself is something you want to do and be ready for the consequences. I have decided that although I have never been with a woman, and am dying to be with a woman, I want to be married. I will live with the fantasy every day. When my husband and I have issues or are not getting along I definitely go towards my side that loves women...I fantasize more, focus more on my need for them so I understand why you embrace that side when you feel lonely. Do you feel that in order to be fully yourself you need to explore your feelings for men? Is it just about a sexual fantasy for you? With me it is the emotional and sexual connection with a woman that I crave. I have that with my husband and would love that with a woman but I have chosen to keep that part of me present, but not active. It is up to you whether you need to talk to your wife about your feelings. If it is something you feel you need, that you want to pursue this part of you and you need it to feel whole then I would think you have to have a conversation with her. If it is just feelings....and you don't plan on actively pursuing them, then I guess I would look at what the consequences would be sharing this information with her.

Good luck. I understand where you are coming from. Everyone here on the board is great, keep talking things out until you find what you need.

 

Be aware...

CONSEQUENCES lie on both sides of this.

Deny who you are, stay married - you risk emotional problems, deep depression, personal suffering, and suffering for those around you and they never know why.

Come out and it is a different, shorter term set of issues that look bigger than they truly are. (Theatre of the mind. Hitchcock knew he did not need to depict gore for the imagination produces better than depiction).

Your mind knows your fears, your weaknesses and will use them against you. Scary thought... the closet uses your fears to protect itself.

Tom

 

This is just my take on you based on what you have said, but I think you are definitely Bi to some extent. The intensity you are expressing is undoubtedly being affected by the frustration of your current living circumstances. The feeling of being out of control and wanting a man ally/friend/sex partner is probably an expression of wanting some help to get out of your current situation, which has forced you into a frustrating role of submission to the reality of not being in control of your life. Thinking about doing it is an escape from what you are having difficulty in controlling in the rest of your life. Your lack of experience with the actualities of being with another man allows you to fantasize how wonderful it might be to have someone want to take care of you and help you, and you are associating that with the pleasure and relief of sexual tension you can obtain by stimulating yourself without considering it "cheating" on your wife. The fact that you are considering and self-stimulated just thinking about sex with a man is why I am saying that you are at least bisexual, and not 100% straight in your orientation, if not your current behavior. I think your intuition about yourself being Bi is correct, and that you probably would be able to have sex with a man, maybe even enjoy it and feel it was fulfilling for you, but for your current situation of being married. This is also probably part of the reason you are not currently having sex with your wife, as your erotic stimulation is centered on having sex with a man, not a woman, including your wife.

Living in the South can be mentally oppressive for anyone with male-male sexual interests. The culture of over-dependence on conservative religions to "set the rules" for behavior can be stifling for any kind of homosexual feelings. There is often a constant bombardment of expressed slurs and bigotry almost as a reflex reaction by some of the population, which makes you reluctant to even express support for "others" who are openly gay or bi, combined with laws and politicians who seem better adapted to the previous century of thinking than the current one. This can make you feel like you have to constantly be putting on a show of compliance with the norm, even to the point of not considering how you yourself feel, and how innate and normal it can seem to you to want to do things which are "taboo" to the mainstream. This can combine to make you feel guilt for having these thoughts and to expect shame and expect censure if you were to even discuss the topic with your wife. Bottling up your emotions in this manner causes stress and eventually depression, whether it elevates to the point of suicidal thoughts or not. Coming here to talk about it with people who understand your inner turmoil from personal experience is a Good Thing, so please stay with us until you have worked through this unpleasant set of circumstances, which you sooner or later eventually will.

"Do I "qualify" as Bi?"

I think you have already qualified yourself as bi from what you have said, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

" Am I just "curious"?"

If you had said "I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have sex with a man" then you would be curious. That is not what you said. You said you wanted to have sex and bottom for another man and found that thought as arousing as having sex with your wife. Bottoming for someone is about as gay as you can get, in terms of behavior; nothing unusual about that for a gay man, or for a bi man with a submissive personality about sex.

" Should I tell her?"

This is a question you are going to have to answer for yourself, or explain the situation in more depth, because you have said very little about your wife and how she is reacting to your situation, to the extent she knows about your feelings; presumably you have NOT discussed any of these feelings with her, so all she is seeing is that you don't seem to want to have sex with her, but is she trying to initiate sex, or trying to avoid it, or seemingly happy that nothing is happening? These are all important things to answer your question, as well as her own tolerance for "differences". She presumably thought you were a heterosexual male when you married her, although you have said nothing about her, so maybe we shouldn't presume that. Most women are not happy to hear about their mates being bisexual if they have thought they were heterosexual, particularly if they think that you knew about it before marriage and deceived them. Some over-react to different degrees and want to end the marriage, others accommodate. The smart ones act like adults and try to find some peaceful resolution to the situation. You have to decide how she would react if you say "I want to be fucked by a man" in whatever words you choose to say it.

" When do I tell her?"

If you have jumped immediately to "when" instead of "should", then the preceding question has been answered "yes", and when is up to you based on your living situation and the urgency you feel about being truthful to her. "Before you father another child accidentally" is certainly correct. Get your thoughts organized, drop any feelings of guilt for being what you were born to be, or any shame for the feelings which are coming naturally to you, then tell her you have something which is bothering you which you want to discuss with her alone so you can both decide the best way to handle it together, because you love her unconditionally and want to solve this problem together.

" How do I tell her?"

In a situation of privacy, without the kids or her parent around. There is no easy way to do this. If you want to write everything down into a letter and let her read it first, so you are sure to cover all the points you need to make and pick your words precisely, then talk about it, that is one way. Or if you are better expressing your feelings in person, that is another way. The important thing is to be as open and honest as you can and not avoid to get to the bottom line; stuff untold is stuff lied about in a situation like this. If you are going to talk about any of it, spill the whole can of beans, so she does not have to worry about hearing more worse news later. Most important, do it BEFORE you actually follow up with a man, raising the whole "cheating" charge, even if YOU would only consider it "exploring your sexuality before bothering her about it, in case it is only a flight of fancy". SHE would consider it cheating, as would her lawyer, if it comes to that and a hostile divorce action rather than a sensible mutual no-fault separation that protects your limited assets and kids.

" Do I repress it and wait until we get our situation ironed out?"

How's that working for you? Sounds like, "not so well".


" Is there a way I can release my urges without feeling guilty?"

Some people feel guilty if they fool around, while others show no remorse in terms how THEY feel about fooling around; this is one you have to answer for yourself. If "releasing your urges" is just looking at porn and masturbating, *I* don't think you should feel guilt about that, but what is important is how YOU feel about it. If you start visiting and having sex with other men you meet at a gay bar (assuming you can even find one in S Alabama), then you should probably feel guilty about that, because in a divorce settlement, you would be the loser for your behavior, in a typical southern court.

" So many questions." You are asking them in the right place, and in complete anonymity, so you have come to the right place to get a variety of different perspectives on the answers. You can pick one that makes the most sense to you, or figure out one from the pieces which seems best in your situation.

If you think that any of this could be caused by PTSD, or if you are even uncertain about that, contact your closest VA hospital and talk to a psychiatric counselor; they may be able to help you find a therapist who can help with the depression or other symptoms of your stress related problems. Their job is to help you, as a former service member, so do not be reluctant to give them the opportunity to help. And, thank you for your service to our country.

 

Just a few comments about what you have said. A lot of gay men are not looking for "relationships", only for sex with other men. As I mentioned earlier, the dictionary definition of gay is "men who have sex with men", not "men who have committed relationships with one man whom they love and cherish". You can be "gay" without falling in love with another man, or "straight" even though you do love another man by this definition. So, the fact that you cannot foresee leaving your wife and living with a man is not really the prime consideration in your sexuality. You want to have sex with men, not a specific man, and be their bottom; that is very "gay" by the standard definition. There is nothing wrong with that, it is just who you are right now. You also do not seem to be intensely interested in having sex with your wife, nor she with you. No, it is not "normal" for all women to not want sex with their husbands, as a result of having a child, although it is not unheard of for some women to lose their interest in sex for a variety of reasons and for periods of time; hard to tell why without TALKING to her about it, which you are probably reluctant to do so out of concern that some of this other stuff which you feel guilty about feeling will come out in the conversation, if you ever begin to seriously talk about ANY of these emotions you have bottled up inside.

It is also possible that your feelings of wanting to be "controlled" by a man sexually, is really the desire to be "desired sexually" by another man. This might be because you don't feel "desired" by your wife at the present time, and this is a reaction by which you feel you could affirm that you ARE a desirable person, even if she isn't interested. Or a way of getting back at her for not wanting sex with you. Or just a manifestation of your true sexual identity coming through in the absence of your role-playing as a totally straight man having sex with his wife regularly. Or not. Hard to tell all the tricks your mind can play on itself when you are under emotional stress. You really need to TALK to her about your sexual relationship with HER, not this other stuff, first, and see if your marriage relationship is really going off the tracks, or if she is responding to your lack of apparent interest in her or just some other stress she is under living with her mother again instead of in your own home. Young couples don't stop having sex for no reason at all; that is not "normal"; your question to answer is "why" and you need her input to help figure it out. Maybe even some third party help from a trained sexual problem therapist for you, or marriage counselor for both of you who is good with dealing with sexual-based problems. Your prior history of depression and suicidal thoughts before enlisting suggests the need for specific counseling for you; depression and suicidal thoughts are not "normal" for a young man in good health, but there is nothing "abnormal" or "perverted" about a young man being intensely sexual in his physical desire, nor is it criminal in any sense of the word. IF that were true, most of us would have been jailed in our teens.

One of the issues you need to deal with is whether you are primarily Bi or primarily Gay. Almost any man can have sex with a woman and father a child, gay or straight, as you have done with your wife. It would nice if that were proof of orientation, but it just ain't so. Why is this important? Because if you are gay, more than bi, that indicates that you may need to consider ending your marriage to be the more likely and best path for both of you at your young age. Both of you have many years ahead of you, and neither of you should be spending them being depressed and stressed all the time. People make mistakes and get married when they should not, trying to be "normal" and letting that mask what they are fighting inside because of societal pressures from outside. Maybe that was the case in your situation, maybe not, but you need to figure this out and get it right for both yourself and for your wife. That isn't going to happen unless you bring the problems out into the open and start dealing with them, no matter which path is going to be followed afterwards. It will feel awkward, and will be unpleasant, but it is what you need to do for both of your sakes. Trust her and start talking to her, and find out what she is thinking, then go from there.

 

I can identify with this a lot. As for whether you're in the right place, the answer is a definitive yes -- where else can you talk freely about this stuff?

If you don't talk about it you go insane.

I'm no expert or shining example of anything, but after much suffering and anxiety I came to the conclusion that the only option is to actually explore with men and try some new things.

If it's all in your head, all you can do is think. Action resolves problems, not rumination.

I would also add that many, many gay men (so I've read) start off by saying "it's just sexual" and then eventually meet someone they care about. So leave yourself open to that idea if you can.