I'm not sure if I really need advice from you guys, because my decission is taken already. I guess I just want to know your opinion... Well, I've decided I'm going to cut all contact with my mother. After spending more than 15 years making each other miserable, having tried again and again (both her and me) to save or to improve the relationship, I've finally had enough from her. I won't deny I feel very bitter about things that she said, specially regarding my appearance and how much money I earn. The only "compliment" I heard from her is how "beautiful" I am : Physically, which is in turn a compliment to herself... And an insult to me, because she has no idea about me being transgender. She tried to "friendly remind me" what a woman, in her opinion, should think and look like. We never had much in common, really. She was never there for me. When I tried to reach out because I was feeling down, she didn't seemed even to notice or care, or said things that pissed me off like "oh, you are having troubles with your boyfriend?". She tends to be very sarcastical and hurtful with everyone in general, specially when she is not getting them to do what she wants. Even her own partner came to me often complaining about her bad character... I felt first sorry for him, then I felt embarrased because that jerk he was speaking about was my mother, and then I felt anger because I don't deserve the burden of having to call "my mother" a complete jerk. I'd rather have no mother... The relationship with my father is the very opposite. After the divorce, he never said anything about my mother, nor good or bad, which I think it shows the kind of man he is. As you've probably guessed, my mother has been saying bad things about my father even before the divorce. Those times I confronted her, and more than once we were damned close to get physical. She even got physical with me once, a thing I will never forget as long as I live. She did this in front of my little sister, so I had no option to fight back. If this had happened when we were on our own, I'd have probably ended up in jail, because all my anger against her has been stored inside of me for years and years, and I'm sure that one day I won't be willing to hold it any longer. I sometimes imagine things that are very cruel, they even horrify me... I imagine her being old and unable to take care for herself, begging me for help, and me just walking away... I'm ashamed of myself, I would never do such a thing to anyone, even if some ex lovers deserve this, but I just woulnd't have the guts to leave an old person without help... Except for my mother. To make a (very) long story short, I finally decided I've had enough. She is manipulating my sister to hate me, so now I'm losing her too... My sister is acting just like her mother with me, exactly with the very same hurtful words. Usually we have a "fight" that leaves me feeling like shit, then there is silence for three weeks. Most of the time I send emails asking for forgiveness, trying to write down the right words, and all that... She ignores those emails... And then she comes back again as if nothing had happened. So yeah... My mother has made my sister to lose all respect for me. I think that is the last drop... I'm not answering any emails anymore, even if I'm dying of hunger out there in the cold streets, to me they are dead... I just can't take it anymore. Right now I'm having a very hard time financially and emotionally, and the last thing I need is a deranged person shouting that I'm a monster, a psychopath and whatever......... To me, I'm acting on self-defense. I just can't take it anymore. I think they have no respect for me, so it's time to give them a bit of their own medicine. They are going now literally insane, the two of them, so I can't turn on my mobile phone. I'm not reading any sms or emails from them. They have no idea where I live, and I hope that the authorities don't give any info away. I really have had enough. All I want is to live my life in peace, to live the life I want for myself and people like them have definitely no place on my life. Still, this hurts... Hurts so much... She was my only sister, and I loved her to death... I hope that someday, when the big bitch dies, the devil will throw her to the stinky garbage can where she came from... Not even good enough for hell... I'm sorry, but I'm agry, sad, and everything you can imagine... This sucks so much, because I can't get rid of feeling guilty... They manage to make me feel like shit, doesn't matter what I do or what I try... They make me feel like shit........ I just want them away from my life, I just want and need them to f... forget that I exist. Sorry, I suspect this is the anger inside of me, consuming me again.... Thanks for reading anyways...
It's been 10 years since I made a similar decision. As hard as the decision is, in the end, your happiness is the most important aspect you should be focused on. You probably will never win her over and you may struggle trying. Last year, I tried to start fresh and went to visit my mother for two days. The first day was wonderful, I was amazed. Had she changed? Then, her true self came through, and the following 24 hours were a disaster. Never again. Tomorrow I head to my fathers to spend thanksgiving weekend with him, he is a wonderful person. Your not alone.......
I've been there so many times I've lost count. I'm not someone who happily denies all contact, and I'm in 99% of the cases the very opposite of the person she is forcing me to be. I'm ready to forgive (and forget in most of the cases) anytime, believe me. That is precisely one of the things that I hate the most : She is turning me into someone I'm not. I guess I'm more old fashioned than I think. I'm one of those kids who want to respect and love their parents, and be proud of how good they are... I don't like that most of the families have "sides"... And what she is doing manipulating my sister is just criminal... I'm still wondering what to do with all this anger... It has remained constant during all this years, and I can't even mention my mother on a casual conversation without getting mad... I'm not paying a gazillion dollar a month for a "therapist" to reach nothing but being broke and even more depressed about the subject. I'd like to deal with this by myself, but it seems that the anger has deep roots, you know... 15 years is a long time, I don't know how to get rid of the anger, even if I want to... :icon_sad:
I feel you (*hug*)(*hug*) Sometimes people are kind of mirrors... giving an image which is not good for us... there are people, around which we feel valued... and people where this is not the case... sometimes they need a reminder, sometimes it does not work... I would advise to forgive, forget and move on... old memories just keep us in old patterns, we can start fresh if we want... looking for people who bring about some good sides in us... possibly, if you one day have a really open talk with your sister, she might understand... I would just state facts and my emotions, no personal reproaches, like outlined here: How to Practice Nonviolent Communication (with Illustrations) It takes practice, though... possibly she one day sees through her mother... usually people know already if something is off... A person bought a big ship... it sank when entering the harbor the person laughed a friend asked why the person said : just think of the possibilities you're free to look for people you like to associate with (*hug*)(*hug*) ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2014 at 01:05 PM ---------- It probably is her anger... which leads her to certain actions... which leads to anger in you... if you know, you can avoid that pattern... I'd say just be you, don't get triggered, insist on your boundaries and don't get personal... I found the nonviolent communication thing very helpful... If you have a therapist, you might ask them about the following: relax and get in a cozy place... imagine you and your mother talking... imagine yourself forgiving each other... this might help with your anger and relieve you... (*hug*)
I may be facing the same thing in the coming year or so. My two sisters have been reasonably accepting of my decision to come out, but my brother has said he can accept my decision but will probably always feel "awkward" about it. This year's holidays will be the last ones with the nuclear family I've built over the past 20 years, and next year will be the first one with my boyfriend/future husband being included. In theory, he and my brother should get along famously. True, my brother is sports obsessed and Richard is not, but politically, they're blood brothers (as am I, although not quite as avid a fan). If the fact that he's gay makes my brother hold him at arm's length, then I see no point in keeping up the pretense of a relationship, especially since the only time we talk is on holidays and when I call him. The phone only goes one way. Plus, I've intercepted a few texts from his wife to mine and know that she's been rather damning of me, and also may have steered my wife to a divorce lawyer and loaned her the money for the retainer. If that's the case, then a line has definitely been drawn in the sand, because my coming out may have initiated our split, but it's been years in the making (we talked divorce 12 years ago already). My boyfriend has accepted me unconditionally and will be by my side forever, day by day, as we go through life. I'm not subjecting myself to foolishness from people I might see twice a year if I'm lucky. "Lucky" being somewhat questionable.
Sometimes, you just need to close one door and open the next one. Sounds harsh, but the trauma is not worth the effort you seem to be putting yourself through. It's almost as if children with horrible parents have battered wives syndrom. We keep going back for more hoping for the best, but it's the worst that always shows up. And it does not matter whether you 16, 25, or 40. Mothers often have this grip on their kids, and some of them abuse that trust to no end. They just can not help themselves. Well, if they can not help themselves, you need to help yourself.
You don't owe your parents anything, if you have toxic relatives sometimes the best thing to do is cut those ties. I moved very far away from mine, and I've been a much happier person ever since. It's amazing how much better I felt afterwards, not having to deal with them on a regular basis. I still visit, but they put on their best behaviour when I do. I think they know that I might not come back if they don't.
This is such a difficult topic. I completely understand people wanting to do this, and I have wanted to sever ties with family many times, but as I got older my relationship with some of them have changed. My mom and I were close when I was little but she wasnt really parenting me much from maybe 6 on. I truly believe that she did the best she could. Many times my mom was just hanging on by a thread emotionally. Its easy to elevate our expectations of our parents and family members, but I try to remember they are very often struggling themselves. I guess what I am trying to say is that the people around me didnt change, but I changed.
Basically the approach I lived with for the past 19 years with my family. Until a few years ago we would visit generally once a year, usually timed with a holiday or anniversary or something like that. It's been nearly 2 years since my mom died. Since the funeral, I've spoken to my dad maybe 4 times and only 1 of those was an inbound call; even that was arranged by my sister after I sent him a letter explaining the damage caused by my going along with their demands that I "go straight" back in college. With my sister, things are superficially tolerable. We occasionally text or pm, I get the occasional comment on something shared on social media, and a few times I've had to stomp on something she shared via social media. I think she is making an effort to be more accepting of me, but there is a tendency to say or share something without apparently asking herself "how would my brother feel reading this?" .... and yes, I know everyone has a right to say/share anything they want on social media, but there's also personal responsibility of taking ownership of the thoughts and emotions behind what you do on those websites. So that's my take on the severing of ties with family; when the relationship is toxic, you owe it to yourself first to get into a healthy environment. If the relatives you leave behind really value you as a family member they'll do some introspection to see why you left and evaluate their role. Bottom line as I've said many times, family and blood relatives are not the same thing; sometimes they coincide, but when they don't you have to be willing to set things in their proper place. I do believe our parents are due a level of respect because they brought us into the world and in the vast majority of cases no matter how badly things may be in our relationships they really did try to do their best. That does not mean, though, they have any right to treat you with disrespect or use other relatives against you. Hope you find peace in the days ahead.
it only makes sense to back away from any relationships that are hurting us our causing us harm. who knows what the future holds, but the decision to stop throwing ourselves onto other peoples' knives is so important, so that we can grow and not be forever caught in a conflict
I dream with the day I can finally make my sister understand why I keep away from them. I've tried before, and the communication between us face to face is excellent. She has a much higher emotional intelligence than I (and my mother) have. The downside is also there : She is trying (because of her own nature) to play the role of the "diplomatic mediator". We can talk very openly, without making any effort and we understand each other very well, you know. There has been conversations where I explained to her calmly about my own feelings in an open way, and she understood and kept quiet... I realized she saw my points, because she wasn't able to defend my mother anymore with any rational argument. We reached this silence more than once. She knows that "something is off" already, but she is a cis female and so is her mother, so the whole rituals of shopping together and so on keep them pretty close. My mother is really happy that she finally has "a normal daughter", a daughter that she can dress up like a living doll... ... But from time to time my mother makes "mistakes" and is aggresive and hurtful with her (well, if I'm there she doesn't dare to go beyond a few words, because she knows I won't tolerate her misstreating my sister). ... I guess it's a question of time, but it sucks... I'm the older one, I should be there for her, and not being able to be there makes me feel like a jerk... Which is also part of the problem... No, I don't have a therapist and I never needed one. The people I keep around me, my mates, are usually my therapists. Still I love the image, and will keep it with me. I have a feeling it's going to help, maybe not today or the next week, but sure someday, when I get used to see things differently... Thank you so much for your answer. You hit the nail... And you were also very kind... As usual
It helped me a lot... Thank you (*hug*) No more bound to this ship... sometimes we are bound to things we feel as obligations...
I can see you're from Berlin... have you ever heard about Bert Hellinger's family constelations (I think in German it's called familienaufstellung or die systemische therapie)? I've joined a few sessions and it helped me a lot to understand my family, even helped me to deal with my sexuality. What you describe about your mother is likely something that's been running in your family system, I wonder if her mother behaved the same way. You may try to "heal" it, or at least to become "less toxic" if you want. Remember no matter what you do, you're half your mother and half your father. (*hug*)
I've heard about it from people here in EC, but I've never had a therapist and I intend to keep it that way. I don't feel a need to spend my time and my money on therapy . My actual job takes a lot of the first, and gives not much of the second, and also is nice to have the time and the good mood to keep a social life, you know :icon_wink I know that for some people is good and I respect it. It's just not my cup of tea, you know. I'd rather make some exercise or hang out outside with people. My mother's side of the family are totally different than my father's, so I'm not sure how an imaginary system would look like. Hard to think how you would match opposites, you know... I've observed that she had a poor relationship with my grandma, which I absolutely adore (and she adores me back). My grandmother is a very interesting character, because she has been through so much in her life : A war, the death of a parent because of political circumstances, etc... I admire her, because there is a lot to be admired : Strenght, integrity, honesty, strong will, being a hard working individual... And being herself all the time, you know, she never changed or tried to please anyone... To me she has been my mother figure : Strong, funny, lovable, and always ready to give you her heart, expecting nothing in return but your happiness... She knows how to love and how to make you feel loved and understood... I avoid my mother like the plague, but I can't imagine a life without my grandma... It's not that I lack a mother figure in my life, because I do have one in her which is just perfect... I just feel sad because having two people to love is better than have just one, you know... And my mother has amazing qualities too : She is one of the most intelligent women I know, and to be closer to her would allow me a chance to learn from her... I have no idea what I can give her back, and that drives me nuts sometimes, because I can't be a woman for her or for anyone else, and what she wants is a normal, cis and full hetero daughter. To try to be that person for her and for the rest of this world has hurt me beyond words. There is also a lot of frustration, because I have tried a lot of things to improve the relationship, even to swallow my own pride, but I had to finally give up, at least for a while, for the sake of my own peace of mind, which is one of the most important things in life (the other being physical health). ... Thank you
My Dear Sir, The swallowing of pride need not be about your mother or family, it must be about who you see yourself to be. No man is an island unto himself, and while having close mates is essential, what you are going through is far beyond what any untrained person can handle. You'll get plenty of opinions about what you should do with what you have, but there will be no greater opinion than this... Get thee quickly to a therapist! If you find the right therapist, you won't lose time, you'll gain time. And they will work with you on what you can pay. I've been with my therapist for almost a year now. I love her. Without her genuine, honest, open, empathetic, sympathetic, challenging, and arms wide open heart, I would not have made nearly the progress that I would have made without her. I know this because I tried to "fix" me on my own for a decade. I got a little ways, but not far compared to the last year. You've suffered abuse growing up. Abuse is about isolating the abused. Problems created in isolation cannot be solved in isolation. You are not weak to ask for help. In fact, there is no greater strength than to say, "I know I can't do this alone. Please help me." Finding a therapist whom you connect with it so very important. So, My Dear Sir , I know how you like to brood. Thinking, while a major part of getting healthy, is useless without action. And the action that will help you is the action you haven't taken. You know that I've cut off contact with my entire family. You know that I cut off contact with my father a decade ago only to not make much progress over those 10 years. Eventually, I came right back to where I ran from.....to my father. Until I faced my parents, there was no being free from them. And there is no way in hell I could face my parents without the support of a trained therapist who was 100% in my corner. Being complicated is sexy But that is not that path you will lay before you if you run. The truth is our parents are in our minds whether we like it or not. If we do not face down the actual real life parents in our world, we can never know how our own minds continue to abuse us. Just think about it, My Dear Sir. (*hug*) And of course I'm here to talk with you as always. ---------- Post added 26th Nov 2014 at 07:09 PM ---------- One more thing. In the U.S. we have "psychiatrists" and "psychologists". Basically psychiatrists prescribe meds with little talk. Do not see someone like this. You want a talk therapy therapist.
In my case that would mean troubles... :icon_wink . Sure, that was part of the problem back then : I was earning peanuts as a teenager, and couldn't afford an appartment, or even a room, because the abuse was not only emotional, but also financial: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but if I've got no money, I'm really f... This lesson I have learned though a lot of :bang: and :tears: , I agree... It's about to get stuff done, problems solved, not about some silly pride... I think I mentioned the "inner hammer" in a post today. It's closely related to that. Who is in charge of hitting ourselves that hammer, and the intensity... Those are very good questions that need answers. I don't get the people who complains about boredom... :icon_wink Right now, to be honest, it's all about getting a gender therapist, but you probably knew that. It is also what is giving me some hope, and keeping me away from negative thinking. It'll be my first time of talking face to face with someone about being who I am, and I feel very happy and excited about it. To do anything else would feel like going backwards, and I think that I've had had enough from the past, you know. I want and need to walk towards my future, to the good things in my life, and one of them is feeling free to be myself. Thank you so much everyone for the comments. I feel like I finally did the right thing. Thank you!
It's pretty hard when you realize that you are more moral and mature than your parent. I've similarly tried my damned hardest to make it up with my mother - even putting aside the fact that to this day she denies having hurt me as much as she did, when I was a kid - but she has made it clear that unless I recant, and say that she did not do those things, that I will 'never see her again'. Wow. If I were in her situation, I would have apologized with tears in my eyes, back when my child was 20, reeling from the hurt of realizing all the pain that had been inflicted. I never got any apology from her, only denial, to this very day. She is now in her last years, and still in denial. I am not holding my breath waiting for a death-bed confession. She just doesn't have the moral fibre or courage for it, I suspect. You must cut ties with anyone who is toxic for you, even if this is your own biological mother. One thing I have done, is to think of older women who have been kind to me over the years, and see them as my defacto mothers instead. The one who gave me physical birth, has sadly also hurt me so much that at 46, I'm still having to heal and do all of this damn 'work' on healing all the time. I get weary of it. Yeah cut the ties that bind, if they are toxic to your wellbeing.
Damn! I am lucky. My mother simply plays the ostrich game. You get the deer in the headlights epression and topic changes. That is better.
