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The crash

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Nov 26, 2014.

  1. nerdbrain

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    Yesterday I was feeling pretty good after my first gay sexual experience with a particularly sensitive masseuse/escort. I had finally confronted a fear I had held onto for 17 years. I was open and allowed myself to explore.

    Today comes the aftershock. I miss my wife terribly. I miss the warm and loving look in her eyes, and I wish she were here snuggling with me on a cold and snowy day. I think of her by herself, spending the Thanksgiving holiday without me, and I am overcome with grief.

    I feel a pain deep in my chest, an emotional wound of some kind that has been there for a very long time. I know that much of my life has been a series of desperate attempts to somehow heal that wound. For the duration of our relationship, my wife was a kind of balm for my pain, and I know that I helped heal hers.

    Isn't that what love is? I don't want to let it go.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey NB,

    I feel for you, I really do.

    I would like to invite you to read my blog entitled "Katabasis", it is not for the faint of heart, but it might help you at least to understand where you are.

    As for your wound, this is something all men struggle with. Yes, there is healing in a relationship, no doubt about it, as long as that relationship is fully honest and both are willing to be vulnerable.
     
  3. Wildside

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    this is what loss is. Regardless of your sexuality, she has been an important person in your life. You've heard about the whole cycle of grief thing, and that is what you can expect to experience at the death of your relationship with her. Just know what the cycle is, and it will help you getting through it.
    having sex with the escort helped you know that this really is good, feels good, feels right. at least in the moment. I mean, the sex is good, but that is a far as it goes. Not a bad thing, but you feel that longing for something more. you've had a relationship with your wife for years, and it's natural to long for that experience again. but there are no instant "just add water relationships" or if there are, I don't think they would be very good. you can't rent a relationship for 60 minutes. but knowing who we are and then developing a social life by participating in activities and organizations where there are other people like us, we have a chance of finding someone for friendship, and perhaps eventually that relationship that you long for. fucking your brains out like a bunny might be something you need to experience first, I don't know. I've read that a lot of guys, there first year of acknowleging that they are gay, go wild and fuck everything and everybody, often without regard to safety and health. then it settles out. you may do that, or you may gravitate more towards finding a relationship earlier. someone whose warm and loving look in his eyes allows you to snuggle on those cold and snowing days.
     
  4. nerdbrain

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    Wow. I just looked at your blog post. This quote by Robert Bly is so spot-on it's scary:

    Thank you. As I've mentioned before, I don't know how you do it but I am glad you do :slight_smile:
     
  5. Perplexed1979

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    I agree with NB.
    I think i've said before that I don't trust my feelings at all at the moment. I do have a sense that what i'm feeling is much deeper and older than my current difficulties. It feels as if this crisis has unearthed something much greater than my struggle with my sexual orientation. An isolating wound it surely is.
    GW, your post's and blog has been really helpful in helping me keep perspective through all of this.
    Thank you.