Hi everyone, I'm happy this site exists and would be very thankful for your input. I'm a married woman in my thirties with two children, in my third marriage with a man. I have known since my tweens that I was attracted to women and identified always as bisexual. Now I am wondering if I am actually gay. I hope this is not TMI but my earliest sexual fantasies were always women. I would say, I am bisexual and a woman's body turns me on but men's bodies are not attractive and I have to be attracted to a man's personality to like his body. Over the years all of my long term relationships were with men. I always had this idea that men would would be protectors and prince charmings. I have enjoyed sex with men, but only with gentle, effeminate men who engaged in plenty of foreplay. I have not been attracted to their bodies in sex but more of the 'actions'. I have fallen in love with women but it has never gone well for me. When I love a woman it is deeper than any love I have had with a man. My love for a woman is as if she is a precious treasure I could not believe I could have. I have always taken a protective stance of them. Mostly my experiences with women has been with women who are in a relationship and I am the 'third' in a threesome, or in love with my 'best friend' who does not requite my love in the same way. This marriage I am in started from a threesome. I was in love with her, and she said the only way I could be with her was in a threesome with her boyfriend. They both liked me a lot and asked me to be in a poly relationship. Over time she made it clear in many demeaning ways that I was just a sex toy and not a partner. She also became jealous and dumped me, and then her boyfriend dumped her for me. I was crushed and then found out I was pregnant and then married him. After that sex stopped. It's been three years and we only have sex every three or four months. As with every straight relationship, my desire for sex with the man disappeared with three months or so of the relationship. I felt like a bomb dropped on me last when I thought, what if I am not bisexual? What if I am gay and only had relationships with men because it was expected of me? Also I was in the military with DADT and could never have an open relationship with a woman and was told three different times that I should back off of my friendship/lovelorn friendships with women because everyone thought I was acting 'gay'... so relationships with men were the only open relationships I could have at the time. I've only been out of the military two years. Sorry that was so long. I am very worried and very scared that I might be gay. I don't know how to figure it out. How do you figure it out? And how that would break my husband's heart. And if we didn't have kids, I would drop him in a hot second for a women if there were no consequences. How do you decide to put your kids through another divorce because of your sexuality? I would rather be with a woman and would never be with a man again, not because I am in some kind of 'I hate men' phase but because I just would never choose to be with a man over a woman ever again. Does anyone have any helpful input? I am in a secret crisis. Thank you so much in advance. ETA: we have agreed that we are pretty much best friends/roomates in a marriage. And he randomly commented that it was as if a straight person and a gay person had gotten married. I asked him if he meant me or him and he said neither it was just a comparison.
Roseandwaves. You have come to the right place. This website and forum are God sent and full of a community of people from all walks of life who offer advice and support. I understand a lot of where ur coming from. I am a married mother or two. First and only marriage to my first and only boyfriend. When I was in high school (I went to Catholic School my entire life) I fell in love with my female best friend and have had an on and off again "relationship" with her for twenty years-purely emotional. I married my husband bc I I felt I was supposed to, and then had kids. However this ache for a relationship with a woman has never gone away. My bf from high school and I were never open about anything Between is but I believe we both knew it existed. I never pursued anything with her bc we are taught, in my faith, that's not how things are supposed to be...out of guilt I never went any further with my feelings for her. I did not have a poly relationship, however for the past several years her and I were very close and through losts of processing I have figured out that for basically all of my marriage I had built up my emotional connection with her and I had the day to day with my husband. It was an odd triangle but it worked, so I thought. Until my husband basically figured things out and gave me an ultimatum. You're right in that an emotional connection with a woman is like no other. So intense. So real and passionate on all ends of the spectrum. I absolutely love it. I feel the same in that if I was not married to a man right now or if I chose to get divorced, I would most def be with a woman. It seems to me that ur not happy. You're struggling with distinguishing between the difference of obligation and pure unadulterated romantic love. It sounds like the basic status of your relationship bt yourself and ur husband has been acknowledged---roommates. Both of you deserve for ur heart to be happy. Being best friends you probably want that for one another. I know you worry about the kids, I do too...and a lot of the decisions I make are for them. But I believe one of the best decisions you can make to help your children is for urself to be happy. Show them the example of their strong momma pursuing a life and a partner that completely fulfills her. Children are resilent. They want to see their parents happy. Be happy. I think you said a lot in ur post...you would rather be with a woman, you find a woman's body more attractive...sex with a man involves another level of being attracted to their personality and that ur not really interested in their body otherwise. You also have been married three times and while I don't know the circumstances behind each, but I can't help but wonder if it is bc you just were not happy and bc you were not married to a woman...maybe that is where ur true happiness lies. I can understand being afraid of being gay...I feel the same often...and this coming to accept ur true authentic self is a process, esp when one has lived a life this far fulfilling others ideas, societal norms, or our learned perception of what we were supposed to do. Coming in this forum and talking things through will help. Will provide you with support on ur journey. Only you can decide what truly makes you happy and makes you feel fufilled. Keep talking and ur truth with become clear and you will know what to do....
Hi P25 thank you for responding to me. I'm sorry for the situation you're in to have to choose between your relationships. I feel that definitely there is no romantic love more than a deep companionship between myself and my spouse. It's a still very strong bond. When we were first together I had my own job and was raising my oldest son on my own, but I developed a disability a year into this relationship and lost my job, so currently am SAHM doing college full time, and we are planning to move next year close to my family. It's very hard not to discuss this issue with my spouse but I am also partly afraid he would be devastated and kick me on my ass. Which would be pretty hard on me to get everything together to raise the kids on my own on a moment's notice to move cross country, get a job, quit college, all that. All for questioning your sexuality? Seems a steep price for everybody to pay. The only person I can confide in is my mom, she is open minded nowadays, she wasn't when I told her I was bi a decade ago but last year my sister married a woman and my mom's gotten progressive since then. She said, hide it. Don't say anything. And if you feel the same way in a year, leave him once you are near family and they can help me get on my feet and support my kids. It all feels like an awful betrayal. But I can't help notice as you say, the pattern in my marriages. I can't stand things about them such as their facial hair, their *anatomy* parts, anything about their bodies that is male, even the way they smell, I just don't like it at all. I don't like their maleness in a way that I want to touch them or anything other than a hug. Do you talk to anybody? A funny thing about my spouse is that his mom was a lesbian. And he acts like he was ok with it but he blames her for leaving his dad. So I worry a lot about that. Are you planning on staying and how does it feel, like a pit at the bottom of your stomach for all that you are missing out on?
Wow. There is definitely a lot going on in your situation...from your sister's marriage (yay to her! Congrats ) to your MIL being a lesbian. That is really difficult. You may have considered or already may be going to one, but have you considered therapy? I know that there are a lot of reasons that one may not go to therapy those being financial, location, stigma associated with going to therapy....I have felt the pull of all those factors. I did not go to therapy to deal with my feelings until a year ago. My bf from hs "broke up" with me last year and totally cut me off. She told me that life is simpler without me in it. She completely broke my heart. She has done this to me several times over twenty years, but last year was by far the worst of the "break-ups". I was having a very difficult time with it and my husband noticed. He told me that I am acting like someone who has just broken up with a love interest, and then the insults came. He said many many hurtful things to me and told me that he always suspected that my relationship with her was more than just friends. He told me he had a weird feeling about her and I that he could just never shake. One difference I think between you and I is that my marriage to my husband was less than rock solid. We were (and sometimes still are) having major marital issues. We were not getting along and I did not realize that me being with my bf and spending so much time with her was putting even more of a strain on our relationship. My husband has major anger issues and also deals with depression. When things were bad I would run to her, she was my protector and saver. She would comfort me and tell me that things would be ok. We would spend hours talking, texting, going out late night/early morning to an all night place because that was the only time we could get away, and be along without the kids. It was crazy the things I was doing to be with her so I don't blame my husband for his feelings of insecurity. After all, if you look at things I have loved her first and longer than him...But anyway, I have chosen to stay in my marriage. We have been in marriage counseling as well for about a year. It has helped alot. Things are alot better. I think a big part is because she is gone too...My husband has gotten his depression under control and is working on his anger. I love my husband alot, he is the father of my two children. He knows that I am attracted to women and does not mind at all. He tries to foster my feelings a bit, but in the wrong ways---just sexually. I am of course interested in a sexual relationship with a woman, however I want the emotional connection as well. I have made that clear to him and we both have agreed that this would be cheating (he is not interested in a poly relationship and at this point neither am I). Yes, I do still have this ache to experience a relationship with a female. I have also realized through therapy that I truly have feelings, strong feelings towards females and that I would be open to a relationship. I know it probably sounds through my post I have been comfortable with this for a while, but to be honest this is a recent level of acceptance with myself. I work with the ache and the want on a daily basis. I have never been with a woman in a real relationship or physically. Would I love to, yes, but I also have a strong commitment to my marriage and husband. I am still working things out to make sure I am not staying out of obligation but that I am staying out of love and that I want to be here. It is a daily struggle. I know how things can be complicated....Your mom sounds like a smart lady....I think she gave good advice and sounds like she is wonderful support for you....
Hi P25. It seems like a sacrifice either way, a sacrifice to stay in the marriage and one to get out of it. That is good advice to seek a therapist. My mom has been telling me to go to one for a while. I found a therapist with a search that specializes in LGBTQ issues and I'm going to finally make an appointment. See what happens. Well, we've had our ups and downs. It seems like a lot to keep secret from him. I think perhaps I may try to broach the subject using his own remark about our marriage being like a straight person married to a gay person to test out how he feels about that. The strangest thing about this is him being my friend and wanting to talk to him about it, and him be like, that's great! But he's not just my friend, he's my husband, and who knows how this would go.
Ugh that is so complicated---the dynamic of him being ur best friend and also your husband. I think therapy would be key for you. I found a therpaist that specializes in LGBT issues and is herself a lesbian. I knew I had to deal with my feelings for my best friend and possibly also come to terms with my sexuality so I wanted to go someone I felt would not judge me. She has been absolutely fabulous. I have opened up to her in so many ways and have accepted a lot about myself. In going to a therpaist you will learn coping skills and be able to explore what ur feeling and come to ur decision on exactly what you want to do. They will also be able to provide resources for you to turn to in ur journey. I wish you luck bc I know it is hard. I am always her to talk if you need someone...
I have some news. I just couldn't keep something this big from him and though I was terrified, I talked to him last night about it and we discussed it for several hours. He told me that he has suspected that I was in fact not bisexual but lesbian for a long time. He actually helped me go through everything in my past, both romantic and sexual, and it was almost surreal. I don't feel like I am able to put all of into this post at this time, but I am either a lesbian or so far on the scale towards women that I may as well consider myself lesbian. We agreed that we both have been through so much together and have a very strong bond, and we love our family so that we will make no knee jerk reaction. We agreed to both seek individual counseling, me to a LGBT counselor, and in the future once we have gone through enough therapy to know what we want individually then we will pursue marital therapy. We both promised each to not have an affair and to trust each other not to do so. He says he loves me as I am and does not blame me for being who I am and encourages me to explore my identity. I feel so confused at the same time so less confused if that makes sense. Thank you P25 for sharing your experience with me. Is there anyone that has had a mixed orientation marriage here, or should I open a new thread for advice on that subject?
That's amazing! I am very happy for you. You're heart should feel a little bit freer knowing ur not hiding this from him anymore. Good luck in your process I would open a new thread to talk about mixed orientation marriages. Very brave of you to talk to him...congrats!
Thank you so much for your help. Best wishes for you in your marriage and your journey too! You helped me a lot.
