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Lying about porn.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Carm, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. Carm

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    Hi all. I posted here a bit ago about feeling obligated to give sex to my opposite sex partner. I had an interesting discovery this week. I found extensive porn use on my husband's computer during his recent business trip....and the history for the trip before that was mostly erased. I'm not a jealous person and I found this by accident. Among the porn links were links for [site mentions removed], which Im not sure if they were popups or clickthrus. And there was a long search for teen porn. The thing is, a couple of years ago we were going through serious upheaval and I didn't get know if I was going to stay in our marriage, and I seriously suspected he was cheating during business trips. I also suspected porn use - I mean, there was porn on the computer and the phone history had been wiped clean. At that time he looked me straight in the eye with a puppy dog look and smiled sweetly and told me he had never used porn during our marriage and would not do that to me, and I didn't need to worry. He was so believable!! This is significant because when i came out, because of the unexplained porn on the computer my ultra conservative mother thought the porn had been from me and a porn addiction was "causing " my homosexuality. So that's a pretty big thing to be scapegoated for. At the time I didn't quite believe him except for a minute, and I've suspected he was using porn because of the strange way he justifies young girls making A living by making porn - even young teens. No concept of exploitation. And he justifies (older) teen prostituting as a business transaction where both people have fun. That's always bothered me. He's lied about porn now for at least 10 years. I am of the opinion that sexual outlets should be agreed upon by both partners. But we have never even been able to discuss this because he always denies it. We have negotiated and renegotiated our marriage. We have discussed separation; his condition for marriage was having a frequent enough sex life. I know many don't like that thought but I was going along with it because I do care about him and we have a beautiful relationship on a daily basis. I also believed I was his only sexual outlet. I have repressed every one of my own urges to remain true to what we've negotiated. I don't even touch - literally - a woman I'm attracted to because I know I have an agenda. And now I find out he's getting other outlets, and that sort of makes me wonder what the heck I'm still here for. I'm not sure how I feel about porn in and of itself (aside from the objectification and exploitation). But I am really upset about him lying and making me feel like I was paranoid, as well as wondering if he was lying about everything else too. Does my reaction seem reasonable?
     
    #1 Carm, Nov 28, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2014
  2. closetbttm

    closetbttm Guest

    Hi! I think when it comes to sexual outlets, the first step has to be honesty and openness. Whether or not the two of you agree on the same outlets is a decision that can't be made until you both discuss it openly.

    If he lied about it, then I'd be more concerned about the dishonesty than the porn itself. Had he come out with it or been honest about it, then you never know what your level of acceptance might have really been. If he's lying about it, it suggests that he's already feeling some sort of guilt over it.

    I was/am in a similar situation as you. I realized/discovered (or whatever the term is) that I was gay well after getting married. The only person who knows about it is my wife. It took a LONG time to build up the courage to discuss it, but I'm glad I did.

    Personally, If I were in your shoes, I would hope that he came clean before you have to confront him about it. However, just from reading your post, it suggests that you are already questioning why you are still there. I suppose that you probably need to do some soul-searching, and if moving on is a real possibility, then what do you have to lose by confronting him?
     
  3. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    it sounds like you have already figured it all out. you just need to rest with it for a while for it to all sink it, to congeal. and then you will know what you need to do.
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    Ummm... your husband has a closet and you discovered it through looking through a history cache?

    I need to wrap my head around this... i gotta go back, finish reading, see if you outed him...
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    Hmm, hate to be contrarian here, but I am do not think watching porn is that big of a deal, whether it be discussed or not. The real issue here is the sacrifices you have made and the conditions you established for yourself for which you made them. Are you really upset that he watches porn or are you maybe upset that you have made a fundamental sacrifice and are now reconsidering if that was the right decision for you? To me, it seems you might be using the excuse of catching him watching porn as a justification to regret your decision, when maybe instead, considering the decision was yours to make, you should consider taking ownership of the decision.

    Again, sorry if this is direct and contrarian, but worthy of considering.
     
  6. Carm

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    Holy jumping to conclusions, Batman!

    No, I am not trying to pass the decision to be done with our marriage on to him for his porn habit. I was ready to call it completely on my own. I wouldn't usually say that porn is grounds for divorce. I'm not opposed to all porn. What I'm upset about is that I've been doing by very best to stay within our marriage in the way we negotiated even though I get no outlet, while he's been sneaking his outlet and lying about it for 10 years while requiring that I not only service him, but have no outlets myself, and also take the fallout for his porn habit.

    I didn't look through a history cache until his computer browser (which I had permission to use) auto-filled his porn sites. Knowing how many time I've been lied to about this, you'd better believe I checked the history following that.

    I think I'm also shocked because this serves as a catalyst for me leaving so much sooner than I expected to. I was already past my comfort level but knowing his other odd viewpoints on sex and exploitation, this has pushed me past the ability to participate in his sex life.
     
  7. looking for me

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    i think the porn is a side issue. the real issue is honesty, lack of on his part and seemingly abundance on your part since you've been up front about your sexuality. it is also about control and manipulation on his part, you sacrifice your needs, desires and "outlets" and still, as you say, "service" him. service is a funny word, in a sexual sense it conjures images of dominance/submission. i don't know if there are any kids in your family or just the two of you, if so they come have to be secured first and if not leaving is something you need to seriously consider and work towards.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Sorry if I hit a nerve, but as it appears, you have made a massive sacrifice. In retrospect, did he make as big a sacrifice? Given your sacrifice, the issue of him watching porn can understandably be morally magnified from your perspective. But for him, he may not see it as a big indiscretion and, while he was not honest, his intent could very we'll have been to treat it more as a white lie, rather than being truly deceptive. I can see a scenario where he does not think it's a big deal, he hides it from you to save you any discomfort, akin to him telling you an outfit your wearing looks good even if he does not like it. Sorry if you feel I might be marginalizing your thoughts with this perspective, that's not my intent, but I am not sure he meant any real harm.
     
  9. PurpleDude

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    this is the part that throws up a red flag for me. it sounds to me as if he may have actually had this kind of "business dealing" himself one or more times. I may be grasping at straws here, but I would keep a close eye on his finances and see if any activity looks suspicious.

    sorry if that seems like I'm adding to your worries, it's just what I honestly thought of after reading that.
     
  10. Chip

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    ^^^QFT^^^

    Honesty, authenticity, and integrity are really core to any relationship. Without it, the relationship really means nothing. Adding to that the extremely convincing lies your husband is telling... and this is someone who really has no interest in being in authenticity with himself.

    So you have to decide what is important to you. Personally, I could not be in a relationship with someone who was inauthentic. If you feel the same way, it might be worth sitting him down and saying, in effect, that he has one chance to address this situation openly and honestly, and that you'll only ask him one time. If he continues to deny... then it might be time to move on.

    Even if he does come clean, you'll have the nagging concerns about whether he's lying about other things. Given what he's said, and the vehemence of the denials, it is probably safe to say he is lying about other things. So you may also need to think about whether you can trust him going forward, and... directly address that.
     
  11. Wildside

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    I have to agree with Purple Dude here. This really makes it look like he is doing something with underage girls. maybe that's not the case, but he's sending off those signals