is not being "found out" or "outed". To be honest at this stage, I don't think I really care. No, my worst fear is that I am going to run out of time and never have been in a relationship, never experienced love and/or intimacy, never participated in the basics of human existence. To end up like the woman in apartment 10. Let me explain, first. Settle in kiddies, coffee or popcorn ready, this might be a long post, so I apologize in advance. First though I would like to say kudos to the regular posters on this board who offer advice and encouragement. Do not doubt that daily you help people who are struggling with things. I am 38 years old. I have never, ever been in a romantic relationship with a guy or a girl. I have always known I was gay, but spent the better part of my life hiding it due to being told it was "wrong". I have never even been so much as touched intimately by another person. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I don't have any answers. I don't think I am a horrible person, but even so horrible people still "get it on". I am not suffering from social anxiety and am capable of interacting with people in a friendly manner. I don't have sitcom like friendships, but a lot of that is due to the fact that being 38 and single without kids, I am at a different life stage then most people my age (where I live). What is wrong with me that I cannot engage in basic human behavior? Anyways, back to the gay. I am petrified that I will never participate in a relationship. Basically, I am afraid that I will never fall in love and have that reciprocated. Even if it is brief. Like hours or days brief. :lol: When I was a kid, I lived next to two women who were mother and daughter. Mom was about 70 or so and I would say daughter was 50 or so. Daughter scared the crap out of me. She was not a happy soul. I projected stereotypes onto both of them of spinsterhood loneliness, lifetime longing, and never fulfilled dreams. (Yes, I have an active imagination). As I got even older, I started to think, SHIT that is going to be me. Now, it is almost an obsession. I am scared to death that I am going to croak before anything happens in that department, and I am not just talking about sex here. I am talking about one person choosing me to share time with. I am not sure what I am trying to get at here. Maybe I am looking for similar stories or maybe stories of hope :lol: Anyways thanks for reading.
Hi 0617, welcome to the EC. You will find you aren't alone here. I think it's just luck when you meet people. I have had relationships with men but none with women. I know I won't be with a woman unless I do something about being stuck in this closet. What are your social activities like? Do you have the opportunity to meet new people. Are you part of any meetup groups? I intend to do that when I'm ready. Sadly I think Internet dating maybe the only way forward for me too. Not looking forward to that experience. Meet up groups sound a better option if I end up meeting like minded people. Have you looked to see if there are any in your area? Where are you living? It will happen for you. 38 isn't too late. I'm 40 and have had to start my life over with the breakup of my marriage. At least you haven't got baggage. I have plenty of that I know if I was looking for a relationship someone without baggage is very appealing. Try to concentrate on the positives. Would love to hear more of your story.
Hello 0617 and welcome. I'm pleased you took the time to write about your situation on this board and I hope you gained some relief by just sharing it with us. It must feel like a terrible burden to be carrying all of these negative thoughts and feelings around with you. Just giving yourself and outlet is a positive step in the right direction. Fear is a terrible thing that can stifle and paralyse us as we try to live our lives, but you actually went further and told us how you are petrified by the idea that you will never participte in a relationship and will end up like the woman in apartment 10 or the spinsters next door. When it all seems so bleak, where is the hope? Well, as I already pointed out, there is some hope in the sharing of your feelings and admitting to us that you are not happy with the status quo. You are now beginning to confront things, rather than locking it all up inside and you are expressing your longing for love and a relationship. I can't tell you how important it is to just arrive at this point. It might not seem like much progress, but I assure you, it is. When you know you are gay, but family/society has always told you how wrong it is you end up in this toxic cycle of self denial and it is very hard to break. You have to dig deep within yourself and set your mind against the prevailing opinion. The good thing is that you have spent your time in that place (you used the past tense) and now you don't care so much. Again, this is another positive sign that you are getting ready to move on to a new chapter. It may be a bumpy ride, but we are here to help and offer support, so stay with us. What are the main hurdles, as you see them? There really is nothing wrong with you. If you have been reading this forum for a while you will be aware that your situation is far from unique and many of our members have shared the same fears and anxieties, some with the added complication of marriage and children follwed by divorce and starting over later in life. You have avoided some of the pain and messiness by remaining single. You have started your jouney so now might be a good time to pause and consider the next step. Thinking again about the hurdles... do you feel the weight of the closet will hold you back from meeting people and finding love? Tell us more about your thoughts, if you can.
Hi 0617, Welcome to EC and well done to you for getting this far. Im sure you will get lots of good support on here. I would like to say to you not to panic that you will never fall in love. You are only 38. You have lots of living still to do. I have recently came to the conclusion that I have to put myself out there (not like that!) in order to meet lots of new people. The more people whos path I cross the more chance I have of meeting new 'friends'. Do you have an active social life? I find it hard to make new friends. Im quite resrerved and I know this comes across as aloof sometimes. I am gradually realising I have to make a concious effort to check how I am coming across. Again, I can be picky who I want to be friends with so I probably push people away without giving them a chance, and even without realising it. Maybe something to think about. Keep us posted on your progress.
As you said: "but spent the better part of my life hiding it due to being told it was "wrong"" This seems to be at the core root of your concerns. My question is, have you accepted yourself, and have you removed the concern about being gay? The second issue, watching your neighbours when u were Youg clearly left quite an impression on you. I have one thing to say that I hope sinks in for you: At 39, you have your entire life still ahead of you and you have plenty of time! Like golf, where there are 18 holes - yes, you have already played the first 9 holes. But now your on the back 9 and that gives you plenty of time to catch up and win the round! Being on the back nine myself, having come out, accepted myself completely, once lacked confidence like you, I can say from experince that you have the opportunity to find what your looking for. It is absolutely not too late, you have plenty of time. Instead of worrying about what you think you have missed, instead look ahead at all the possibilities and put yourself in a position to find what your looking for. Join LGBT groups, get involved in community activities, volunteer your time. Put yourself out there so that you can meet other people. Good luck!
You just admitted your fear. That takes serious guts, so already I think you are a lot braver than you think. It is hard to meet people as you get older and are in different places in life than the people who were always so close to you. You say it'll never happen, and it probably won't on its own, you have to make it happen. I saw some pretty good advise above on doing that. Don't give up!
I worry about the same thing you do , I really would like to be with another woman and feel what it's like to be in a relationship .
Thank you everyone who took the time to respond. I appreciate you taking the time to offer words of advice and wisdom. Let me clarify some things or add some things that I have thought of since I first posted. I am 100% fine with me being gay, granted it took a while, but I'm on this ship now and we're sailing. That being said, I guess you would say that I am not "out". I've never been an open book type of person, but I do believe I should tell my close family, but I haven't yet. In due time I suppose. Hmmm.....am I a social person? Well, I don't know. I don't go out much. I have a few friends. And a couple that I think I could call in an emergency. However, I again don't have what the mainstream media portrays as a kicking social life. But I also live out in the middle of nowhere. Your choices are pretty much bar, work, and church. Work is the only one I choose. The other two both equally hold no value for me. So I am pretty much relying on magic stardust to "hook me up." I told you I'm a dreamer right?! I think I need to backpedal a little on the whole love statement. I might have overshot what I was intending to say. I don't even know if I believe in the whole "love" thing. I'm not denying that it might exist (because hey maybe one day, in galaxy far, far away...) but sometimes, I just get a little worried that I am too late to the party. That I won't get a chance to even participate and have any experiences, good or bad. I hold out some hope though....it isn't all blackness and doom just yet. I think my analogy with the neighbors next door is a common fear and not one just relating to sexuality. We seem to spend so much of our lives chasing what someone else or what society has told us to chase that most of the time we don't even realize what we even want. There are many social capstones that are dependent on you reaching this or that by a certain age. I don't want to be X amount of years and say "well shit I've done everything that I was told to do but I still feel unhappy, empty, (insert feeling here). Thanks again everyone for reading!
wow, there is so much in your latest post 0617 that I can really identify with. living in the closet has been tough. I used to live in a very small town were the options were only work and church, no bars. now I'm in a big metro area, but I still haven't found my way to connect with other people like me. I'll just keep looking.
Thanks, 0617! There are so many things in your post that echo some of my own fears. At 48, and not very out, I worry that I, too, am a little late to the party and will not be able to find the intimacy with another man that I very much desire. In fact, I make myself a little crazy when I think about the future too much. I work hard to stay in this day and make choices today that will move me toward the life I really want. I can pine for some future outcome, but if I execute no actions to move me toward it, then it is really just a wish-upon-a-star. But here you are posting about it! You are taking action! Your friends here are stoking your imagination with possibilities that can produce real hope. So I hope that you (and I) continue to act, even in small ways, every day! You are brave and courageous! Thanks for the inspiration!
I'm 50, separated from my wife 4 weeks ago after a 21 year marriage. I've already found the emotional closeness with another guy, who is just the sweetest thing in the world to me right now. We are taking things as slow as we can (for him being a roommate at the moment.) He feels like he's been a friend of mine for my whole life, and he fills me with such joy even when he's just sitting there watching tv with me.I don't know if it will last, or if it's even as deep as it feels, but there's the spark of a relationship in both of us. You have to get out into the world and start living it. Be who you are. Don't worry about your age, someone out there will find you desirable.
First, Welcome. Second, breath, now again..... im a little different than your situation, i was married but no closeness nor intimacy for years, over a decade. ive never been in a relationship with a guy, although i want one. and im 47. your only 38 so relax, go to places where you might meet people and let things happen. advise i need to take myself.
