Inexperience and indecision

First, your not "too old", you got your whole life ahead of you.

From the sounds of it, you seem open to the idea of coming out to him in a casual way, and if he reciprocates, you would like something more, but do not want to risk the friendship.

I would break this down into two parts. First coming out. If your comfortable with him knowing, regardless of whether he has similar thoughts or not, and you feel he will be ok with knowing (he has not given you any indication of being homophobic), then you can simply have a casual conversation over a cup of coffee or a meal. Explain how important he is to you as a friend, and your ant him to know something personal about yourself.

If you go ahead with that successfully, I would wait to see how he reacts. He might need some time to digest the news, so I would not rush just yet to see if there is something more from his perspective. Obviously, if he returns the news in similar fashion, then all bets are off and see where it goes. Otherwise, play it by ear and be prepared to wait.

I am suggesting you wait given if he does have a similar inclination, he may not yet be ready to address it himself. And the last thing you want is to force it out of him. At the same time, it sounds Liem your prepared to keep it as friends to the extent he is straight, and this enables you to do that as well.

 

definitely not too old!!! you may want to talk around the issue at first, bring up the topic of gay friends, get his reaction to it, see what he thinks about gay people, what he would say to a gay friend, things like that before you jump right out there. I get the impression that you don't have a lot of contacts in the country you're living in, and don't want to risk losing his friendship even if he is homophobic. did I get that right? I've lived in a lot of foreign countries, and actually I can understand that. so I would go the long way around the barn, if I were in that situation again.

 

In this situation, I'd personally go out and make some gay friends first.
As in people who are definitely gay (or LGBT), who you don't need to "find out" about.

 

OMG, that is fantastic advice!!! I too am worrying so much about who I can come out to. Who better than someone who I know is already gay. Thanks for sharing this, mangotree!!!

 

Well, when it comes to coming out, there is no usual age. Times are changing; gay but married men and women are starting to come out at all ages, well past what is "usual", mainly because it is now safer to do so. Consider yourself lucky to have found out so young, for many, it takes a lot longer!

 

Hey, I'm a 50 year old that just separated from his wife of 21 years. It has taken me 15 years of struggling with my overall identity, not just sexual, to feel strong enough to take the path I'm going. And I'm still a newbie when it comes to being with guys. I'm already at the beginnings of a relationship with an 18 year old. We feel very connected to each other right now. Time will tell if anything comes of it.

Point is, you are young, and 8 years difference is nothing in the scale of a human life. You aren't experienced, just take things slow. I would join the LGBT group at your college, not for dates, but for support, and trying to discover who you are.

 

Great advice everyone. I am struggling with a very similar situation. I am a 45 year old married father of two early 20 something year Olds. I love my wife dearly but have had feelings for guys since I was in my early teens. I think I am bi as I have these feelings and fantasies about guys but have never slept with a man. My wife accepts that I am bisexual. She is struggling with breast cancer right now so our sex life has been nonexistent for the past 4 years.

I would never cheat on her but the lack of sex and intimacy has only increased my desire to be with a man. I have strong intimacy feelings towards my BFF but I am not sexually attracted to him. I am thinking of coming out to him but not sure how I feel about him. I don't want to cheat but feel I need to talk to someone and I truly feel he will be OK. He has admitted to sleeping with a man before so I think he is either gay or bi. I am not just basing it on that one disclosure but other signs as well.

I love him dearly as my friend and want to open up about this. Thoughts?

 

yes, come out to him, and open up to him. If he is your BFF he will accept you, and help you in this time of trouble for you.

 

kindy, it definitely sounds like your friend would be someone safe to come out to. that is really important, so that the first coming out experiences are positive experiences. like you, I really need someone to talk to, and that is something that we only get by coming out to someone. I just did that for the first time, I mean to someone who is a friend and now a medical or cleric kind of thing. having a friend who you can talk to is more important that having sex at this stage. I say this based on my experience having LOTS of male sexual partners, but nobody that I could be emotionally intimate with, and share my inner thoughts, struggles, and dreams. And I really feel that emotional intimacy is much more powerful and harder to achieve than physical intimacy. I would not hesitate to open up to a friend like the one you describe, but you have to figure out if you're comfortable with that. but sometimes, it's just a matter of getting together to talk, and just being open to whatever happens.

 

I DID IT! I came out to my BFF last night and he was totally cool with it. I told him EVERYTHING. Including how I feel about him. He said he actually feels he is mainly straight. His experience in the past was just that and he and the guy just made out a couple of times. That said, he is super supportive of me and said it doesn't matter. We are still BFFs. He was very surprised by my disclosure but was happy I told him. So now at least I can lay to rest any feelings I have about him and just love him as a friend. I am so glad about this. I even shared with him my lack of intimacy concerns and had a good cry. He was so amazingly supportive. I love him even more, but only as a true friend.

 

My roommate was the first person I came out to in person. I did that the first day I met him in person. At the time, he was going to work for me, but we formed an immediate bond. We met on a social site for gays/bis, so he was easy to talk to about being bi. He's gay.

---------- Post added 3rd Dec 2014 at 09:50 AM ----------

That's so great for you. I'm happy it turned out so well for you. Isn't having someone to talk to intimately a great thing.

 

It sure is!

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!! That is one of the greatest things on EC, getting to read this sort of experience, and sharing in the joy of someone who took a chance, and opened his heart to someone, coming out to them, and then having such a positive reaction. Every time I read a story like this, I feel more inspired, and more courage. Your friendship with him can now be fully authentic. Enjoy it!

 

I absolutely will!

 

Hey Alexander, I'm in a pretty similar situation as well. I'm 30, have had no sexual experience, and have generally spent most of the past few months trying really hard to work things out. So hopefully it's less unusual than either of us would have thought.

I think any conclusion that doesn't involve me being attracted to men in a way that I'm not attracted to women is basically untenable. To say I wasn't gay would seem like I was in denial. But at the same time when I've told people I'm gay I sort of feel like I'm lying. I hope that's just because in my head gay people have always been a group to which I didn't belong, and because I have a tough time identifying myself with many of the tropes of gay culture. For now I find it easier to identify as homoromantic than homosexual, and easier that than gay, but I'm making progress.

I don't know if you're similar to me in the following respect, but I spent quite a while assuming that I must be afraid of talking to girls. Eventually I realised that it was just that there was nothing driving me to talk to them, whereas I knew that I had had conversations with men that had been, on some level, flirting. In those conversations, I had been slightly nervous in a way I never had been with girls, but it hadn't stopped me from doing it.

Similar to you, I often worry that someday I might work out that actually I'm not gay and then I'll look ridiculous. If that happens then I kind of think so be it. But I've been increasingly thinking of myself as gay for so many months now that it doesn't seem worth holding out for.

I've also got a friend that I have a big thing for, but in my case I know he's straight - he's about to propose to his girlfriend. He was the first person I came out to, but I haven't said anything about my feelings. We stopped working together a few months ago, which has helped me to try and move on, but it's difficult when he's also my best friend.

This also makes it difficult to come out to work friends. We were the office bromance, and people will definitely ask about us, and I don't know how convincing I'd sound if I said I wasn't interested.

But massive best of luck to you - I hope it all goes well. And yes, I really wish I'd worked all this out 10 years ago...