Contemplating bisexuality

Hi,

Have you considered "domination" by a male simply puts the responsbility on somebody else for your gay leanings? "I am not gay. He made me do it".

#3 stinks of cop-out.

Possibly you are simply over-thinking.

Tom

 

Still think you are over-thinking.

 

Men can be bisexual too , men don't turn gay . Men can either be straight , bisexual and gay .
Men just aren't gay or straight .

 

This isn't a conclusion you can rush to. Do YOU think you are bisexual, or straight? Bisexual by definition means you are attracted to both genders, while Pansexual means you are attracted to personality over body, though body is still something you like. I don't think you are Pansexual, but these urges could mean you are either bisexual or bicurious. However, define YOURSELF how YOU think YOU are. Despite what the person said above, you sound bisexual to me, with maybe simply a preference for stronger more masculine guys? Somebody domniant in the relationship?

 

I think he's bisexual too . but he thinks he gonna turn gay and I was saying men aren't just gay and straight .

 

Nerdbrain, don't feel pressured to put any label on yourself, especially one that you don't feel comfortable with. True, there are many of us, like me, who struggled with sexual identity issues and for a while may have been more comfortable with the bi label until we could accept that we are gay, and that was a tough process for me because I was in such deep denial in the face of the facts of my life. but no matter how many men there are like me, there are plenty of people who are bi, or fluid, or trans, or genderqueer, etc (sraight? I don't know, but maybe), and each one of us have to figure that out, there is no cookie cutter approach. It is your journey, and yes your struggle. I find some beauty in my own struggle, some joy in the midst of the pain. just be open and accepting of yourself.

 

For what its worth, brain, as a bisexual woman I identify strongly with #1 and #3 myself. I'd say #3 feels more like fantasy...the kind of guy I'd likely feel attracted to and end up with in real life is quite different from #3...but I get the appeal. I also have to add that these aren't my only sexual/emotional drives...but they are what overlap with yours.

None of us can tell you what you are, of course. And each of us is apt to see ourselves in your story (hence skiff's conviction that you're just like him but overthinking, while you sound a fair bit to me like me). But ultimately, you'll have to decide what resonates most.

I agree with ilimee and Wildside that this isn't a decision you should rush to or feel pressured to make. What I tell everyone who expresses angst over their "true" sexuality and isn't sure how to figure it out is to put long term relationships on hold for a bit, and just date people you find yourself attracted to, and after a while look at the patterns: if you're mostly enjoying sexual experience with guys, you're probably gay; if you're enjoying a mix of sexual experiences with men and women, you're probably bisexual. I'll be a little less sure how to interpret things if the majority of the sexual experiences you enjoy are with women...but given your history, I'd wager that won't happen.

 

that's how I figured it out. more in retrospect than prospectively. when I looked at the pattern of my life, and saw both that most of my experiences were with guys, and that I was absolutely on fire with those experiences (whereas my experiences with women usually required me to fantasize about guys), I finally connected the dots and realized, OK, I'm gay. It's hard to figure out "in theory" or overthinking it, but it's a lot easier to examine our experiences and draw conclusions. at least, that's what worked for me. good luck!

 

I'm always amazed by the constant need to find a label that somehow "fits" what you are. One word isn't enough to describe anyone. Straight can have so many kinks that the label is meaningless. I think people ought to just forget about labels. We are all so unique and varied in our experiences and desires. A one word label is a stereotype we are trying to fit, like a club we want to belong to.

You know what floats your boat, all that's left is acting on it, or pushing it down. Denying your nature leads to so much internal conflict, as you well know. Figure out what is most important to your needs and desires. Live as close to that as you can.

 

Why is it you don't want to make that choice?

 

There is really in a way only one issue here.

That is how you deal with your responsibilities to other.

You are entitled as a human being to have problems defining yourself,
And to take time to do it. IT IS HARD!

When you involve a woman particularly, you have some real things to
Weigh. They include:

-you may eventually decide you need consistent
Gay sex, and perhaps won't know it that soon.

-you may (like me) feel that if your female companion
Had sexual needs you can't provide, you may experience great guilt,
Even if you both are generally satisfied with the rest of the relationship.

-despite the pressure to know (which really should mostly come
From your understandable desire for transparency in your relationship),
You can't really rush the process of feeling settled in your identity.

-I am with you brother! This is NOT SIMPLE!

 

Nerdbrain,

I just found this site today and it seems that we have a lot in common. I've admitted my feelings to my wife and a couple other people. I just thought you might find comfort in knowing somebody else feels very similarly -- I know it's comforting to me.

Peace

 

I am writing again because I know we both feel weird and kind of alone.

I do think if there ate up sides it's these...

-it is exhilarating to get to know yourself.

-exciting sexual feelings and experiences

-if you allow the confusion, you may find in certain ways many improvements in relations with others since you have at least accepted confusion which I feel is totally legitimate.

Hang in there (I will also)!

 

Well, I'm in similar straights, navigating the rough shoals of my psyche...

Back in July I decided I had to throw my life, my whole life, in a wood chipper (metaphorically) and see what was important to me.

So, I'd been re-evaluating everything about my life, career, relationships, what drives me.

Things finally came to a head, read about that elsewhere, and I knew I couldn't keep lying to everyone that is supposed to matter to me. Tired of not living true to myself, or at least, my self image without the masks.

I chose to separate from my wife, this is giving me some space to think. I am sure that I want a divorce, and I believe my wife is finally realizing this. Sex and sexuality are a bit player in this process.

The social hookup sites are providing a lot of positive self-validation as far as my physicality is concerned. But, I've always been into the whole person, not just body parts. I want to love someone, not just have sex with them. Anyway, I've not yet gotten to the slutty stage of post-separation/divorce.

If you want to reconcile all this, first be honest with yourself, then be honest with your wife. Then figure out if you and your wife can still be a thing. If not, be decisive.

 

If you knew...knew for a fact...that you are indeed bisexual...how would that change your situation and/or your plans? Would you consider talking to your wife, explaining that, and see if it would be possible to get back together, but with a less monogamous understanding between you?

Mostly, I'm wondering what the impact of this contemplation is for you.

 

My original plan had been to talk a lot about my self-discovery with my therapist, before leaving my wife. But life got in the way, RTEW, so I ended up acting without thinking through if there were any other options. I might have been able to handle the big crisis at the time a different way. I might still be with my wife, but I wouldn't BE WITH her. I checked out of the marriage months ago.