I have been reading so many threads since coming out, and have participated with the EC community with an open mind and great passion. Participating in EC has been so beneficial to my healing and learning process, and I want to share some fundamental conclusions I have come to realize since I came out and separated from my family: 1. I am absolutely confident I made the right decision to come out, living my life as a lie was no longer working; 2. When I decided to get married, I did so knowing that I was not straight. At the time, I was trying to convince myself that I was Bi, but I got married under a false pretense nonetheless. Did I love my wife, yes; but that does not eliminate the responsibility I have for making the decisions I made. 3. At the time I made the decision to get married, and looking back in retrospect, I do not blame the society pressures and negative views that were derived against the LGBT community. Instead, I blame myself for not having the confidence or self esteem to stand up up to those negative sentiments. 4. While not using it as a scape goat, I grew up with an abusive, manipulative and selfish mother whom raised me in a way that dimished any confidence or self esteem I could have had. Only after leaving my family home and going on to succeed and overcome so many of life's challanges was I able to build my own self worth and confidence. 5. It was the recognition of my own self worth and confidence that allowed me to come to terms with whom I am and recognize I need to live the rest of my life true to myself. 6. As for my family, I take full responsibility for the pain I have caused. I will never be able to provide my ex wife with any way to give back to her what she believes she lost. I will always care about her and have her in my heart. I will always be there for her whether it be financially, emotionally (which she probably does not want), or any other way she sees fit. I am solely responsible and have no need to try and blame anyone else for the damage I have caused. 7. No doubt my life will be better for having come out. I will lead a life true to myself. I have found peace and contentment while on this journey, and it has been a journey worthwhile. As for my ex wife, she will be better off as well. Whether she knows it or not, I was never able to provide her with the emotional support she truly deserved while we were married. Had our marriage gone on as it had been, we would have both been living a lie. Now, she has the opportunity, with plenty of time in her life, to find someone that can fulfill her completely. 8. As any other divorce, kids are resilient and mine have proven their resilience. My love for them will always remain, as will their love for both their father and their mother. I do not regret any decisions I have made, however, I do take full responsibilities for those decisions. When all is said and done, I know the decisions I made were the right decisions for me.
WOW. What a great post. This speaks to not only my experience so far, but I'd be willing to be the vast majority of us who are well into this as well. My only difference is #4 - in my case I'd say that my parents both had some issues that diminished my self-confidence, and I have some suspicion that my dad was either severely closeted or chronically depressed, and I learned a lot of my shutdown strategies from him. But I think we'e all had some kind of family/parental experiences that warped some of our ability to cope. It takes a lot of courage, confidence and maturity to take responsibility without beating ourselves up, and acknowledge where you and move forward without blaming the world for putting us there. Coming out, even later in life, is a fight we can win and an experience that can open up our lives to satisfaction and happiness and self-worth, if we're willing to make an aggressive investment in positive action instead of blaming others and painting ourselves as a victim. Thanks so much for this!
Its great that you're taking responsibility for your choices, but personally I find the cultural push to be straight and the cultural assumption that straight is "normal" and that all other variances are not to be highly responsible for keeping many people in the closet and/or in denial. I'm pretty sure you made this post for you... ie youre not making a statement about the culture and what it does or doesnt influence, but it seems to me that the responsibility should be shared. Still, its highly commendable that youre taking the better-not-bitter high road. I never married and had kids (I did marry briefly to an almost equally fucked up guy... thats another story for another day), but its likely that I'm simply too fucked up to be in a relationship, so just because I never did any of that its not because I knew I was gay on some level and did the supposed right thing by not marrying.
Personally, I'd say that while there were certainly outside/cultural forces that made the closet APPEAR to be the safer and more comfortable place to be, I have felt far better for having learned to ignore them and not let them hold me back. My boyfriend and I aren't likely to wander around redneck towns holding hands or kissing. We're not suicidal, and I'd never suggest that there isn't homophobia or danger to be had in coming out. But we've both experienced far more acceptance (or disinterest!) in the fact that we're gay, than we have negativity. I spent many years assuming that I could expect wholesale rejection and disgust from friends, family and community if I came out, and I've come to realize that to some large extent, I was using those outside forces as my own excuse for not doing the heavy lifting of changing my life and coming out. Because it IS work, and don't think for a minute that it's not. Cultural and societal factors be damned--I have now made the choice to be in charge, take the risk, and be who I am. If it marginalizes me, which so far it hasn't, at least I'll have the self-respect that I've denied myself for decades.
No question there is a massive impediment to coming out brought about by perceived social norms. In no way am I looking to diminish such forces on a person's personal journey. I do believe, however, each person needs to decide for themselves how to best overcome such obstacles; and each journey getting there will be different. Based on my experience, as well as hearing the success stories of so many others, I strongly believe one can overcome them.
"redneck towns"???? I can not even get my partner to hold my hand in the middle of Soho, one of the many gay villages in London!:eusa_doh:
Hah - My guy and I were pretty affectionate right from the start, and on one of our first lunch dates (30 miles from my home!!!), the guy who lives 2 doors down from me managed to catch us, ahem, saying goodbye in the parking lot. :icon_redf He outed me to much of the neighborhood shortly after that. I wasn't sure whether I should send him a thank you card, or buy a pair of steel toed boots and wait for a good kicking opportunity. We've held hands wandering through downtown Milwaukee and are very casual about kissing in public. More guts than brains, perhaps? I don't know. We seem to draw a lot of strength from each other, and I'm frankly shocked that I've become so comfortable with gay PDAs. Some switch flipped somewhere in our brains and we just don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore.
When I had a sort-of BF in May of last year, we held hands when we felt safe, and let go of each other when we didn't. Here's the thing: I felt oddly closer to him because of it, as if we were partners in crime...it was an unspoken understanding that linked us among the "marginals". In an odd sense, I felt gayer because of it...weird.
I am glad to have gotten to a point where I was able to come to terms and be able to share it with everyone. It's been a journey of over two years from my catalyst moment. I truly mean it when I say may journey has been eased by the EC community. I am not sure how I would have progressed otherwise.
