I am a middle-aged man, getting older by the day, who is wasting away my life drinking and gambling with money I barely have, and I dont' have any idea who I really am. I dont know whether I am truly transgender or just have strange sexual fantasies. I need help to understand myself. When I see a beautiful woman, I don't want her as much as I want to be her. I am single now but when I was married the best sex was always when I imagined that i was the woman. \whenever I get a chance I buy stockings and bras and dress up when I have the privacy and want a good man to love me. I don't want it in this body, I want to be a woman. This may be pretty messed up but this is my reality. Have no idea where to go or what to do.
Hey there. You've come to the right place. Lots of people of all stripes are here on EC. I myself don't have much experience with your particular situation but I know there are folks here that do. Reaching out for help is the first step, so welcome.
Thank you for the support. No idea where to go or what to do. Almost died a few times from overdoses, car crashes and hypothermia. Doing okay the last couple of years but need to get some answers to the root of my issues because it has almost killed me in the past. Not as simple as that to be honest, but my messed up head space is certainly linked to not knowing who or what i am.
Hi, no you're not mad at all, there are lots of other folks who feel as you do. Glad you found ec as you will find this to be true, that you are definitely not alone in this! And you know, I'm middle-aged too, and only accepted being bisexual this year, and sometimes I rue how long it's taken me, and how many experiences and opportunities I let slip by, in the past...but it's totally useless to think like that, because the past is gone and whatever happened, whether good or bad, is gone as well. All we have got is today, and so ask yourself, how can I make the life I have right now better for myself? And in your case, well so much actually lies in wait for you, to explore this aspect of yourself with the support of a community such as this one (or if you can find it, other lgbt folks irl as well), what an adventure it is, that has been my own experience. To my mind, identity is a journey of sorts, the ultimate adventure actually. Glad to have you here, look forward to hearing more.
I'm so glad you're here AmIMad59! While I'm not where you are right now I want you to know that you are not mad, crazy, weird or any negative thing. You've come to the right place as there are others here that will share their journey with you. One thing I would encourage you to do is to seek a LBGT friendly counselor.. not because you are mentally ill but you've got so many things going on. Know you are loved and accepted here.
Appreciate the feedback. I have some thoughts that maybe you guys or someone else could shed some light on or give me your thoughts. Maybe because of my religious upbringing (which no longer troubles me; I am now agnostic or atheist) I have been subconsciously over thinking things. I do like women very much so something as drastic as considering male to female is awfully drastic, especially as I am no spring chicken any more. Is it possible that my fantasies about wanting to be a woman are primarily a result of being, at least to some degree, bi-sexual? I know that I certainly am not a run-of-the-mill heterosexual. For starters I love wearing womens lingerie and I have shaved the hair of my entire body, except on my head, because it just feels much better and I it feels like I am actually me for a change. But I don't know where to even ask about those kinds of things. Is that something that a bi-sexual person would even do? Sorry if it seems like a dumb question but I have no clue about any of this at this point.
there is nothing wrong with having a preference for dressing up in lingerie and being smooth shaved. that doesn't mean that you need to or should want to have an operation, if that isn't what really interests you. you can cross dress and have a lot of fun with that, and a lot of men will love to treat you like a woman. you can get and give while all dressed up, and it can be a beautiful experience. But what about the drinking and gambling going on? I think that is what you should be worried about. I had some problem drinking, and it was really driven by my inability to accept my sexual identity as a gay man. The twelve step programs might give you some help in that area. Getting that part of your life under control might make it easier to accept your sexuality issues. And accepting your sexuality issues may take some of the edge off of what's pushing you into the self-destructive gambling and drinking. In other words, speaking only from my personal experience, the two work in tandem and can work mutually to either make you stronger or tear you down, depending on how you want to handle it. No matter what, you are definitely in the right place, and we're really glad you're hear. this is a good, safe place to be where you will find support and encouragement.
I think you may be dealing with issues of gender identity, not just sexual orientation (two different things). I'd advise doing some internet research on these topics. If you can find a qualified therapist who specializes in these areas, even better. Your description makes me think of the HBO movie "Normal" and the new Amazon series "Transparent." Both are about older men with gender identity issues.
Hi, I do not know much about transgender but i am very aware of the illusion and deception society offers us and how we are required to conform to the societal nonsense, and suppress/deny yourself. If society sees a person naked, dancing to unheard music, happy, loving harming nobody and yet living successfully everyday they are labeled sick, criminal and needing help until imprisoned or compliant. Is that naked dancer simply gay, simply transgender, simply being themselves in a myriad of ways... The issue is not the dancer but the society that wants to squash the dance of individuality. Even the word anarchy has negative connotations. If people do no harm to others is anarchy (individuality) a bad thing? Look how empowered society feels... a number of authorities strangle a man to death ON TAPE and people are too afraid to say an injustice has happened. Society thrives in fear. Power thrives on fear. Bunky, nothing wrong or crazy about you, you are just begining to see the insanity of society. Your blidfold has slipped. If you feel the need to dance... Tom
Hey amimad59, First welcome. ok, so I am Bi sexual and a cross dresser. the two are not necessarily linked. lots of cross dressers are completly hetrosexual. also, shaving is sooo great isn't it? feels so good. and lastly there is no such thing as a dumb question, hit me up and we can chat if you want.(*hug*)
Greyson Perry is a british artist and pretty famous cross dresser/public pundit. He has some great youtube videos where he talks about his life-long cross dressing and associated trauma. You might get a kick out of them. (Though he cross dresses as the ugliest lady ever, its kinda funny..) He has been married for years to a woman ( a psychologist no less!).. I just want to 2nd that cross dressing is its own thing, and sometimes cross dressers are gay and sometimes straight. I have known a few straight men who loved makeup and dresses, also some gay men who love it, and also some full transexuals. However you swing it, yay for being you!
