Some random thoughts... 2014 has not been a particularly good year. I have been struggling with depression all year long; depression is an old companion, but it has, I think, been worse this year. Either that, or I'm just more worn down. Past that, I have had practical problems, such a continued lousy cash flow. And I am excruciatingly lonely at times. And now we have the Holiday Season, and fires of depression have flared up even worse, and the loneliness is past excruciating. And the cash flow certainly hasn't improved, and I'm more conscious of that in this season of rampant consumerism. Last night, I played with a tablet computer at Target. Which is simply not in my budget--at least not for ten years, when it'll be available for $7.99 at Goodwill... Before Target, I went to a local church where I go for Christmas Eve, Easter, and whatever other times the spirit moves me. Last night was a soup supper--can't say no to a free dinner cooked by someone else! :lol:--followed by an Advent service. I have a tendency towards self-deprecating humor at times; this is not news to those who know me in real life, or have remember enough of my posts here. It is something that drives at least one person whom I know crazy. Last night, I made at least a couple of jokes...and unusually, the jokes--while typical--sounded...just a little cutting to me. Has it always been that way? Or am I just so low at this point in history that my jokes have moved past jokes and into brutal self destruction? I can't really say I like myself, but do I really hate myself? Towards the end of the evening, I had a nice chat with one of the retired ministers about my holiday situation--totally alone. Good news: I'm not alone, and as he commented this is a really time of year for many people. Bad news: he had no ideas of what to do to make it any better... Except, of course, the predictable one: go to church. Gee...I could have seen that suggestion coming from a million miles away. :lol: And at the end of the evening, I chatted with the new minister. Our conversation briefly hit relationships. And I made some comment like: "I've never had a relationship, but if I ever did..." And carefully, by default, steered the usual road of using word choice to totally avoid even the slightest hint that I might not be straight. Oh, great. I had the perfect moment for A Moment of Authenticity. A Moment of Honesty. I could have said, "If I ever have a boyfriend..." Or "If I meet Mr. Right." Or... But, oh, no, instead I just cower so far in the back of the closet that I think that crunchy stuff underfoot might be Narnian snow... Thinking back over that evening--including other events not mentioned here--I feel like my life is so dysfunctional. I'm so dysfunctional. And I honestly wonder what hope there is...
Hey BMC, You and I both joined EC that same cold February already almost two years ago! I can only say that during this time I have always enjoyed your posts (and your mighty fine writing!) not to mention your advice on my old Revere Ware (pot and pan), among other things. For many, depression will rear its ugly head more frequently this time of year, hell, it gets dark here just as I finish at work! Combine that with cold, and the necessary isolation that goes with it, and you have a recipe for some serious sadness. Nevertheless.... Your kindness towards me and others here on EC should also be directed toward yourself! I know what it's like to live on air and cheap hot dogs (a style of life to which I have returned somewhat since the divorce) and yes, being alone at times really sucks. But you have us, we know that you exist; it matters to us...and it matters to me. The only thing I can tell you is that nothing lasts for long, everything is more metastable than "stable", this includes situations that appear inescapable. I wish you all the best in this challenging season, if only that you may look forward to the first crocuses peering out of the spring-time snow, it won't be long really, three short months is all it takes for winter to spend itself. All the best to you!
first of all son, take a breath, now another one..... you had a chance, you will get another. and when your ready, you will jump on that train out of the closet. you don't seem ready right now, but you will be. Im ready to blow the door of this closet off the hinges but i have to wait till the divorce so my ex doesn't try to take my kid. thats gonna be fun when/if she ever finds out:bang::badgrin::***: hang in there son, the rain cant last forever.(*hug*)
I have suffered from S.A.D. for many years, and always take a downturn this time of year. Sometimes it is a dip, other years it is a plunge. I long for the warth of summer, and especially for the daylight that reaches into more reasonable hours. Sometimes I've thought of spending the winters in the southern hemisphere. But it the greatest darkness, sometimes there is that glimmer of the light that is to come. Listening to your story of your visit to the soup supper at the church, BMC, the one thing that strikes me is that in your re-play of that conversation with the retired minister, you focus on the missed opportunity where you could have been honest with someone in what might have been a relatively low-risk situation (it didn't sound like you're so regular at that church that a bad reaction would have damaged a relationship, though I don't doubt that it would have hurt). Since I also recognize these missed opportunities in the rear view mirror on a regular basis (and only recently was able to take advantage of one of those opportunities to come out to someone), I'm wondering, knowing how that played out, do you think you might be a little quicker to jump on an opportunity like that the next time it presents itself? Do you think that we need to go into an even with a conscious decision that if the question is asked, we'll just nonchalantly say things the way they are? I ask these questions, not to pry, but because I'm trying to get my own head on straight, and it sounds like under all of your self-deprecation there is really some wisdom worth hearing (selfish, I know; but I don't think I have any great wisdom to share).
Thanks everyone! ---------- Post added 4th Dec 2014 at 10:43 AM ---------- Thanks! It's hard to believe it's been nearly 2 years--time does fly! ---------- Post added 4th Dec 2014 at 11:03 AM ---------- Actually, it would have been an almost guaranteed low risk coming out, which is why I'm beating myself up... The minister in question is not the retired one, but one currently serving the church. She is new, and when doing some Facebook stalking, er, research to learn about her and her husband, it appeared that they are LGBT friendly. Interesting question. I don't honestly know. A lot depends on the coming out opportunity. There are people in my life that I simply can't come out to for one practical reason or another. One recent opportunity occurred with such a person--who, I think, might well suspect I'm gay on some level. But in that case, I evaded the issue, and have no real regrets--past, that is, the practical necessity of evading the issue. With that minister last night, well, I hope that next time I'll do better, and be able to send the clear message that I'm as straight as a corkscrew. But there may not be a next time. I guess my policy is a need to know/relevance policy, which does not seem to apply to her. Unless something happens like last night when the conversation had drifted to relationships, at which point it would seem reasonable to say something that makes it clear that any relationship would involve another man.
To your credit, you don't know who may have overheard your coming out to the minister in the fellowship/dining hall.
Hey BMC.. I think I t's a crappy time of year unless you are - under 14 - In love And if carrying depression too .. it's just a bit shittier Hence I just grit my teeth and hold my breath longing for that day in about April when the buds start showing on the trees and the winter is behind me
BMC, what's stopping you from going back to the minister and coming out to her? If she appears to be LGBT friendly it may do you a lot of good. I am having a tough holiday season myself due to my wife's illness, but you have to keep pressing forward. This too shall pass.
BMC77, Don't beat yourself up. You came so close to having that scary conversation. That is progress. It's also positive that you felt safe enough in that place and with that person to come close to revealing that about yourself! Peace
BMC77 you're not alone as I too have big issues with depression. A wise friend helped once to understand that in times like these, seek out some way to help others.. like helping serve the meal you attended. It helps to get your mind on something outside of yourself. Just an idea.
Hey you, hang in there! That free dinner sounded good. And the experience sounded at least palatable. Your part of the country tends to be tolerant, so I wouldn't expect much push back. You can take this at your pace ... or not at all. As for the mandate to "go to church," I've gotten that, too. I don't go through with it. It brings up some bad memories and vibes and that's not what you go to church for. As for the depression, I know how it can be. It cycles and, sometimes, the bottom parts of the trough can be horrendous. You can't even get out of bed. Know that each day will be different and that there are better ones to look forward to (glass half full) or that ones that won't be as bad in the cards (glass half empty). I've battled depression for a very long time and I can empathize with you, and so can many others here.
I'm sorry that you are battling the black dog of depression. These cold, dark days (plus holiday season) make it difficult to stay positive. I urged myself outside for a walk today and browsed a few garden seed catalogs online to help with my gloomy thoughts. The exercise and images of spring were helpful. Hang in there -- you're not alone. Thanks for sharing with us.
I wouldn't necessarily feel threatened by the "go to church" part. he's just trying to offer what he has, in the hope that it might help. if you are totally turned off by all church, no sweat, just don't go. If you are somewhat open to it, just make sure it is very open and welcoming to gays, or find one that is. There are some out there, but you have to look for them. definitely don't go to one that condemns, rejects, and doles out more guilt. The important thing is to find a community or group of some sort that you find welcoming, and where you feel you could be honest. whether that is a church or something else is secondary. when you find love and acceptance, wherever that is, you'll know that you are home
